Uhm, advice please? So I met this guy in early October; we hit it off almost instantly, and within a couple of days of meeting we were dating. Our relationship progressed fast, and we were both okay with it- at the time. We messed around, but never actually went all the way. I didn’t trust him enough, and he resented it quite a bit. A couple weeks after starting to see each other, I found out he was still messing around with an ex. We argued a bit, and after things looked like they were getting out of hand, I broke things off. I realized then, from the way he talked and the way he carried himself that night, he wasn’t the most stable mentally. We had talked a bit, and he had told me about the hard ife he’s had to go through. Well, about two weeks later, around Thanksgiving, I got a random message from him on Facebook apologizing and begging for a second chance. He apologized for everything- cheating and the fight- and pledged that he had changed for me. I was a bit surprised, but since he took responsibility- something he absolutely refused to do during our time together- I thought it might have been possible. Still, I was a bit apprehensive about taking him back and it was only after talking to my friends and my sister that I finally, after about four days, agreed to give him another chance. The first couple of days were absolutely incredible; he treated me about ten times better than before. We didn’t argue, and life was amazing. I was honestly surprised, but happily surprised. Well, the Thursday before last things suddenly changed. He wanted me to spend the night with him, and despite my concerns about having to work early in the morning, I relented and agreed. Everything started off well, until it was time to actually go to sleep; I had trouble sleeping on his bed, and wanted to lie in a way that wouldn’t exactly allow for cuddling. He took it as offense, and started sulking; we got into a bit of a verbal tiff, and he told me several times to leave. After about the sixth time of him telling me to leave, I got up to do so and he suddenly sprung up and ran to the door, blocking it. He literally refused to let me leave, blocking the door with his body. For the record, I’m pretty much a runt, and he has maybe almost twice my muscle mass. I couldn’t get past him. Things continued to escalate, arguing back and forth to the point where I was in tears. I tried to shove past him, and things took a turn for the worse. He reacted violently, screaming into my face and literally shoving my across the room, back onto the bed. He vented for quite a bit, and threatened several times to hit me, though he never actually did. Things finally defused after I refused to talk to him, and after begging him to let me go, he broke down into sobbing tears and laid in bed, crying. I took the opportunity, and practically dashed out of the house; he followed me the whole way sobbing and begging me not to leave, but I refused after that point to stay. All in all, he had held me in the room for almost an hour after I made to leave. He literally blew my phone up that night, calling me over 200 times and leaving voicemail after voicemail begging me not to leave him. He also tried to explain his actions that night, confirming what I had thought for some time: he told me he was bipolar, along with being depressed. We talked the following day, and I explained some of my background, and we both agreed we had rushed into the relationship too fast. We talked for literally almost six hours, and texted many more. After some soul searching, I agreed to take him back on two conditions: i) that he never raises his hands to me in a negative manner again, and ii) that he never mess around on me. He quickly promised both. The next week (last week) was quite good, and we both enjoyed each other once more without fighting or having problems. Until this morning. We were lying in bed, cuddling, and though I’m not sure what exactly started it, but he went from one minute being happy as can be to absolutely pissed the next. Again he told me to leave several times, and after a number of times, I made to do so. It was an entire repeat of the previous episode, except this time he literally used his weight to hold me in bed. He held me for over an hour, during which I refused to talk to him, before I finally began to fight to get out of his control. And, of course, this absolutely set him off. He grabbed me around the waist and tried to crush the air out of me. Fighting to maintain a dominant position over me, he slammed his weight (he outweighs me by almost seventy lbs) onto me. He kneed me in the gut over and over, and kicked me a couple of times between the legs. He hit me all over my arms and legs, enough to scatter bruises all over my body. And, almost terrifying, he held his hand over my mouth and nose, for almost a good thirty seconds before removing them. I was absolutely horrified the whole time, and I tried fighting back, which I guess is the wrong move- all my resistance managed to do was make him madder, and make him hit harder. Weird thing was, despite what he was doing, he was crying the whole time begging me not to leave. This time the whole episode lasted almost three hours. He finally let me go after I started crying and told him I hated him, which made him break down. He retreated to a corner, and broke into sobbing, croaking tears- he was literally unable to talk. He only managed to get out on pleading ‘don’t go’ before I was dressed and out the door. Now don’t get me wrong, I know I’m lucky to have gotten out at all today, while only taking bruises and sore ribs with me. But almost immediately, he begun once again to blow my phone up and text like crazy, each one begging forgiveness and promising it’d never happened again. Now, here’s the thing: for ten years while I was growing up, from about the ages of 4-14, I watched my dad literally beat down my mom. I watched him knock her in the face, and I watched him threaten to kill her. So I know an abuser when I see one. This morning, I saw an abuser in my bf’s eyes. So, imagine my own disappointment in myself when I started to return his texts after hours of not giving in today. I don’t really know what I’m asking for here; I know I’d be stupid to go back to him. I guess what I’m asking is after all this, why do I still love him? After what I’ve seen, and after fearing for my life today, why do I want to take him back? Will someone please tell me not to be an idiot, and not to take him back? Sad thing is I don’t know how long I can resist him…..I’m scared that I’ll actually do it, and there’ll be another time when I’m not as lucky as I was today. I just don’t know anymore : (.
You still -think- you love him because you've fallen into the abuse snare he's set for you. You either get out now or you choose to enter a life of hell that could result in your death. You've witnessed this firsthand with your mom, so you know this is not what you want. You need to cut off all contact with him immediately. Go to the police and tell them what he did to you. Try to file a restraining order. This is nothing to mess around with.
Your relationship ended for a reason. Don't try to repeat history in the hope that it'll somehow turn out better this time.
Pretty sure you can also bring him up on charges because he physically attacked you, if you so chose. But yeah, definitely don't go back to him. This is a ploy abusers use time and time again, even if they don't know it.
First of all: (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*) Like you already know, though: you can't go back to him after what happened. He had his first chance, and a second chance, and, if I'm counting well, a THIRD (!) chance, and blew them. He promised improvement and didn't deliver (in fact, things got worse). If you take him back another time, odds are things will go good (possibly even better) in the beginning, right until he has another of these episodes. He'll know that if he begs enough, he can get you back, which lowers his inhibitions. And he'll probably be more afraid of losing you for real time, which will make his reaction even more extreme! Things will get worse, and you will get hurt more, so you owe it to yourself to cut him off. As for why you still love him, there's a couple of things: - Even if he abuses you, he's not necessarily a bad person. He has no big plan that says: "I'll lure him in and then abuse him!" Probably he really is sincere when he resolves to not do this in the future. You and I (and possibly, on some level, he too) know that he'll fail in the end, but it's hard to refuse a sincere apology (though you aren't helping him or yourself if you actually forgive him here) - He's ill. If you're a kind and helping person, you probably hope that you can fix him. that if you're the perfect boyfriend, his bipolarity will stabilise and you can be together. This too is a misconception. Bipolarity can not be fixed by any boyfriend, only by a professional, with counseling and medication. And it's probably best for him to focus on getting healthy first and foremost. - And probably, there's just the fear of the unknown. It's easier to stick with the bad you know, than strike out and let the past behind and move onward. But for your sake, it really is best to do that! And probably then there's tons of reasons why taking him back seems tempting. It's a sucky situation, because I really do think that deep down he wants things to work out. But whenever you feel the temptation, remind yourself of this: He will hurt you when he's with you. And if you're with him, you're distracting him from dealing with his bipolarity and depression, and ultimately hurting him! So cut him off. Refuse to deal with him. Responses from you (ANY response) will give him false hope, and keep you involved. It takes some strength, but you can get through this!
