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Friend flirting and I may have messed up.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by happy, Dec 19, 2010.

  1. happy

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    Thank you EC. This is my first post. I've been lurking for awhile. A nice site.

    Here's my situation, and looking forward to some input on this.

    My dear friend who is in a rlx has been (I think) flirting with me for about three years now. I know...too long for this to be going on. We're both woman (30's and 40's). I'm recently divorced. The flirting started before my divorce. She's very gay-friendly. We have many gay friends. Here's what's been going on:

    Prior to my mess-up:

    . touches my legs, butt, face, looks deep in my eyes, tells me how deeply she loves me. How much I mean to her. That I'm in her heart. I reciprocate.
    . We easily hug for long periods of time, kiss on the cheek.
    . She (just over a year ago) grabbed my face and kissed me on the lips - quick wet lip kiss. Nervous.
    . We kept lip kissing from then on when we'd part ways.
    . Lots of hand holding, walking and hugging
    . She'd take me to (I what I would think) are romantic parks and places to spend time.

    She is in a rlx so I put my feelings in check. Got myself in a place of reality (as hard as this was), and about four months ago when she kissed me on the lips, I told her I loved her deeply, as a friend, like family, I saw her as my sister (a total lie!). But, I don't kiss my friends on the lips.

    Since then...

    .she talks non-stop about her male rlx (which prior she'd say was a "non-issue").
    .barely hugged me for about four months - just yesterday was able to hug me again and kiss me on the cheek (which I think is fine for friends).
    .After she kissed me on the cheek, I kissed her cheek back and we looked at each other and "accidently" (maybe naturally is the word) kissed on the lips quickly (a peck). She seemed uncomfortable, but maybe I'm reading her wrong.
    .She's stopped talking about gay rights as much.
    .She's stopped pointing out woman she thinks are beautiful.
    . (edited to add) although, she still occasionally sends me emails saying things like "Thinking of you", "Thinking of you tonight!" xoxoxo...etc. Perhaps woman just do this - I don't. Wondering what you all think.

    I want to get back to an open, true friendship with my friend. I'd be in a rlx with her in a heartbeat if she was available - but she's not. She's been involved with her partner for a long time. I don't mess with these things. What I want is for our friendship to be what it is capable of. It seems (I guess I know this and maybe need to hear it from others), that I need to come clean about my feelings for her - which I have not done. I have had a rlx with a woman before, but rarely fall for woman. But when I do, I fall hard. So, I put up the barriers with her fast. Because I'm there for the friendship and see that she is not in the position for a rlx with me due to her being a rlx with someone else. Plus, she's never told me whether she likes woman or not - so this is not clear.

    I tried to talk to her last night about my feelings for her and only got as far as "I feel yucky about this and need to tell you something and it's very difficult for me." It took me so long to talk, we had to stop b/c I had to catch the transit. My friend, I am sure, will be fine. She was assuring (even though I got so little out). That she can't think of anything that would jeopardize our friendship. I hope this is true. I feel it is in my heart, but you know. Fears.

    My fears are that I don't want her to feel on guard with me. I want her to know I respect the current rlx she is in. And that I realize how silly it is to have fallen for a straight woman (or potentially straight woman? how do I phrase this or even say it?) who is in a rlx. That I am here for the friendship and how important her friendship is to me.

    Any and all input appreciated! Lay it out there, please! My heart is in a knot.
     
    #1 happy, Dec 19, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2010
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC.

    Im sure lots of other member will have better advice than mine but ill do what I can.
    I think you should tell her something a bit like you told us at the bottom of your post.
    I dont think you need to ask if she is bi or straight because as it stands its irrelevant because of her partner. I think you should explain to her that you really treasure her friendship and you dont want to loose it but that sometimes you fall for girls and you have a soft spot for her but that you respect her current relationship and that you dont want your feelings to get in the way of your friendship and you dont want her to feel awkward but that you wanted to be honest with her because she is so important to you.
     
  3. Lexington

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    I think silver's got the right idea. The only thing I'd be cautious about is that you want to make it clear that (perhaps without stating it explicitly) that you're NOT telling her to break up with her boyfriend so you two can get together. Instead, you want to say something along the lines of the following:

    "I really enjoy having you as a friend. That said, I felt the hugs and kisses were getting a bit heated, and that's a road I don't want to go down with somebody who's already in a committed relationship. I really do value our friendship, and I didn't want to put some sort of barrier between us, but I did want to make sure we were on the same page. Does that make sense?"

    Lex
     
  4. happy

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    Ahhhh...both good points. Thank you for the replies. I'm trying to figure out a way to say things so that it doesn't sound like I'm assuming things were heated from her end (although maybe this is moot? she did initiate the kissing - but it was disguised as kissing a friend (kinda), if there is such a thing). Am I making sense or over thinking? I guess, trying to find a line between some sincere honesty here and respect for all potential scenerios that could have been happening in her mind. I suppose I can say things were getting heated on my end. Puts it on me.
     
    #4 happy, Dec 19, 2010
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2010
  5. Lexington

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    It's easy to over-think. :slight_smile: But yeah, just explain YOUR thought process and YOUR moves. That should keep things off of her, and leave her enough wiggle room to find a new comfortable spot.

    Lex
     
  6. happy

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    lol..."leave her enough wiggle room to find a new comfortable spot." Yep. I get the idea. Sheesh, yet necessary. Thanks Lex.