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Friend?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by alexi12, Dec 22, 2010.

  1. alexi12

    alexi12 Guest

    Hello,

    So I'll try and keep the main story brief.

    I had a really good friend to begin with, and then he came out to me, and we were together for some time last summer and fall. We are both drum majors of our marching band, so we saw/see eachother a lot. I knew things were downhill when someone else came out to him and he started ignoring me more and more, and being ruder and ruder. So the awful part of the relationship dragged on for over a month. When I told him I was upset, he dumped me via text message and then suggested we just stay friends. (that isn't working)
    And in case anyone is surprised, he is now going out with that other guy.
    One week later, he wanted to get back together and then changed his mind in five minutes, not that I had any intentions of getting back together.
    About another week later, I decide to talk to him and he went out of his way to emphasize that he is flirting with other guys. Of course I knew who he was flirting with.
    The next week, he got really upset and claimed I was being a total asshole and this was after I saw him for about two minutes. Anyway we had this fight in which he claimed I have been being an ass to everyone lately. (everyone happens to be someone who I don't get along with and a more decent person) Anyway I told him that the more decent person has been annoying lately, but he told the more decent person that I called her a bitch.
    Now yesterday, this is 10 days later then that last fight. He suggested we put it all behind us and move on as friends. I took that opportunity to explain why I was so upset, not in a rude way. And he admitted that he was being bad, but didn't apologize. That conversation took turns for the worse because I wanted him to tell the more decent person that i didn't call her a bitch and he said it wouldn't make a difference.. and before you know it, we are having a huge fight.

    So now, I don't know what to do. I am really upset about the awful things he has done, but since I see him so much, as we are both drum majors, things would be difficult if we hated eachother so much. And we were really good friends before any of this happened. I am also really really upset about the fight we had last night and maybe slightly depressed.
    So my question is: How do I deal with this person? (and I give credit for all who read the whole thing :slight_smile:)
     
  2. happy

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    Are you two still the drum majors in your band? This is unusual for both DMs to be gay, let alone having dated. Wow.How many DM's does your band have? Are you two the only ones?
     
  3. alexi12

    alexi12 Guest

    We are both dms, there are three though. We will both be dms next year :/
     
  4. happy

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    k. That puts a ton of pressure on both of you. Makes me wonder if he can't handle the pressure of both being a DM and being involved with you - so he bails. Chickens out. I've seen this before. When I was a HS band directr, I had to finally talk to my DMs about dating, b/c they'd date, and then always break up. Usually during FB season - peak stress. One DM would be non-communicative to the other. I dunno, could never figure this out. Just a thought.
     
  5. Filip

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    Well, the good news is that even after a fight, it's usually still possible to work together in some capacity. the bad news is that you probably will never recapture that friendship that was there before.

    you obviously both made mistakes, but you can't force him to change. That has to come from his side. the only thing you can do is how you deal with all of this.
    I think you make a mistake here:

    Basically, what you did was say "OK, we'll leave this behind us. Oh, but to come back to it anyway: this is where you went wrong!"
    In other words: you did not even leave it behind you for a second. No matter the mistakes he made, this did definitely not help in making him feel like you were about to let anything behind you.

    As hard as it might be, I'd suggest swallowing your pride here. You're not going to salvage the relationship AND get a confession that he was wrong. If he's the type that pushes back when you push him, no manner of arguing is going to make a difference here.
    Probably it's best to really let it behind you for a bit. Don't mention it to him. Talk to him as if he's just an acquaintance with whom you have no bad history. If you happen to hang out together, talk about hobbies, plans, the weather... anything but what went wrong and whose fault it was.
    Obviously, these topics might come up in the future somehow, but sometimes it's best to not keep putting salt in an open wound, and wait until the memory has faded a little. Once he sees you're not going to jump on him with this any chance you get, he might be a little bit less on edge too.
     
  6. I don't know much about band so I don't know how much communication is required between two dms, but maybe it's best if you let it alone for a little while. Just don't talk as much until things cool down, or as Filip said, talk about things unrelated to your past relationship.

    I dated a girl in ballet with me and she dumped me and acted like a total ass. Now we're in a youth company together which requires a huge amount of professionalism. It was hard, but it's a lot easier now. We didn't speak at all for a while, and then we would talk when we had to ask something about dance, and then we could have short awkward conversations, and now (admittedly it took about a year and a half) I consider her one of my best friends. Maybe that can't always happen (and she still posses me off to no end sometimes) but avoiding the subject completely, while it sucks, will be the best way to put everything behind you.
     
  7. alexi12

    alexi12 Guest

    Thanks all,
    Filip: Well, he wanted to put it all behind him, and I said that I was still upset. Then he asked why. That's when I told him all that. . I didn't say I was ready to put it behind us.

    It seems like only time could make things better.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Dec 2010 at 02:18 PM ----------

    Really the fight got bad because I wanted him to tell the more decent person that I didn't call her a bitch and he said to give it up like it was no big deal.
     
  8. alexi12

    alexi12 Guest

    Okay, here is a major update.
    I made some attempts in february to be friends again. They failed.

    This guy texts me today asking if we can be friends again, and I say yes.
    Our conversation following that was about our last six months. We told eachother all about the last six months. He broke up with that boyfriend in April. Anyway in this conversation, he gradually starts flirting with me again. It was obvious. And it turned into a conversation of him trying to persuade me as much as he could for me to give him a second chance.

    I said no, but in the nicest way possible, and I mean that. I want to work on building a friendship, so I don't want to hurt his feelings. Anyway, he apologized for asking and said that he was just sad from his last relationship. And I said that I understood, and that i accept his apology.

    I am hoping to be friends with this guy, but not with benefits. And with marching band coming up, communication with him is going to be crucial.

    Any tips on how to approach the situation from now on? I can give more details if i'm not clear...