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Very lost

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by browneyedboy, Dec 24, 2010.

  1. browneyedboy

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    So im a nineteen year old guy
    who has never kissed a girl or
    guy. Ive had girls interested
    but i never really found them attractive
    for a while i had very low
    self esteem and just wasnt in
    the right mind set to go
    out party and kiss people. anyway
    for a while i just seemed to think i
    was gay and resigned myself to
    the fact that i would have to
    wait till i came out, to find someone.
    But im not sure if i am, i mean i definitely find guys
    hot, and imagine being with guys
    sexually however i tend to connect
    better with girls on a social and intellectual level,
    yet very rarely will i think they are attractive
    or want to get intimate with them.
    most of my friends are girls and
    i find it easier to hold conversations
    with them and get along with them
    better than i do with guys and would connect
    probably better mentally but not sexually in
    a relationship with a girl.

    basically the thing is as ive never had
    a real relationship with either is it
    to early to decide if im gay or not.
    I also am worried that because i
    havent been with girls before if
    i tried to ask one out id get rejected
    (huge fear of failure/rejection issues).
    Also if i come out and decide its not
    what i want theres very little chance
    any girls will be into me knowing i was gay?! possibility?.

    Also from a career point of view, im worried
    that being gay might cause predjudice against
    me and i wont be able to succeed to the
    extent i would like too in the business field.

    Anyway guess i just needed a rant and
    to get all these feelings out there. Any advice
    would be great.
    Im so confusd
     
  2. Lebowski45

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    It is common to feel confused and lost, I too remember the years of anguish I went through not knowing what my sexuality was, and things like fretting over never having kissed someone else. Even when, like you, I knew I was sexually attracted to guys but not girls, the issue always seems more complicated than that and its hard to try and put a label on who you are. Unlike you, most of my friends are (straight) males, as I've always been able to "connect" better with the same sex than the opposite sex. This confused me as well though, leading me to question whether I was gay at all. However, I don't think who you're friends with is too important in relation to what your sexual orientation is, its something I've learned to separate. We can get emotionally attached to people without feeling sexually attracted to them, and vice versa.

    You ask is it too early to decide whether you're gay or not........its never too early or too late to put a label on your sexuality. The right time to call yourself gay, or straight, or whatever, is when YOU feel comfortable with that label. I was 21 before I came to accept myself as gay, there are people on here who were older. My advice would be to give it time. I know, I know, you feel as though you've already gave it time and you still don't know, and you feel like you never will, I felt the same way.....but in my experience, finally I came to accept my sexuality for what it was. The biggest help for me in that respect was actually this site. One of the biggest obstacles for me was that I couldn't see myself in a relationship with another man even though I could see myself sleeping with one......gradually though I came round to the idea and it seems natural to me now. In my case it took time to get used to something which generally goes against what we come to know from growing up.

    I understand the worries you have about potential prejudice if you do did ever come out as gay, I can't offer much in the way of advice as I don't know much about South Africa and its laws. I always thought SA was certainly the most tolerant country on the African continent but I'm not sure whether there are laws in place to prevent discrimination. I know that Archbishop Desmond Tutu is a big campaigner for lgbt rights. One thing I'd say though is that attitudes are, slowly but surely, changing. Countries are, on the whole, becoming more tolerant as ignorance over homosexuality slowly erodes.

    Its not easy, it can be very confusing and often lonely and depressing. But in the end you will find an answer. Time will provide it. Stick around here, read threads and stories, create threads if you want to, they will help. The advice from others on here was invaluable to me, and I'm sure it will be for you too.
     
  3. browneyedboy

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    Thanks that really made me feel much better, just knowing im not the only one feeling like this or who has felt like this.

    this is exactly how i feel at the moment.

    i guess i should stop worrying about it and just go with the flow for a while.
     
  4. Lotty

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    I wasn't unsure for long. I knew I was in love with this girl, it's just that I didn't want to admit it. But the time I was unsure, was hell. I was so confused. I couldn't be in love with a girl, I wasn't gay, I knew that for sure. I had nothing against gays, but I just wasn't. Well, I'm not, I'm bi, but it was so confusing. I hated that time.
    Good luck with finding yourself.
     
  5. browneyedboy

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    Thanks Lotty, ye i know its so confusing. I mean theres so much to consider when trying to identify your sexuality. I definitely find that im more attracted to guys than girls, with girls i tend to be really fussy (subconsciously probably only finding girls i know i dont have a chance with attractive). Then theres whether well if i should wait and try find that one girl who i do find attractive and could see myself in an intimate relationship with and not identify as gay then, whereas i know i would find it much easier to find guys im into and could connect intimately with. its just so much to comprehend and im almost sure im gay/(bi more towards guys) but am finding the fact of accepting it and building up the courage of letting people know incredibly daunting.(i have huge fear of failure/rejection). IM SO CONFUSED :'( thank god theres a place like this that i can come to, to express my feelings, and let it all out.
     
  6. Gambit

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    I just wanted to let you know you're not the only one feeling this way. I feel exactly the same way, I am confused too. I don't find girls very sexually attractive ( i find guys hot and the male body very attractive), but there is something I really like about them ( I can't explain it with words). I have never felt any sort of "connection" for my male friends or any other guy (I have both guy and girl friends). So far I have only felt connected in a special way with a few girls. I even had crushes on them, but I have always been too shy and confused to do something about them. Hopefully one day I'll figure out what I really like, but now I have opened my mind and heart to the possibility of falling for a guy (I never really accepted the fact I was gay/bi before I joined EC). My best wishes to you and I hope you sort this confusion one day :slight_smile: .

    ~Charlie
     
  7. mnguy

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    It seems common and easy for gay guys to befriend women. I know I'm gay and have never been with a guy so you can probably know for sure as well. You could meet guys at a bar, GLBT group, online, etc. without coming out to everyone. Maybe being gay isn't an issue in your career field, but if it really is then maybe you won't go as high as you think you want to now, but I think your personal happiness is more important than job status. If I could somehow trade half my salary for my ideal guy, I'd do it w/o hesitation.
     
  8. browneyedboy

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    thanks for the advice guys it really helps just to have people who can relate :slight_smile:

    this is one of the other things im struggling with most at the moment, i know it sounds materialistic and completely self-disrespecting, but i have always been highly ambitious and driven to be wealthy (yes believe me i know how self centred materialistic whatever) and im not sure if i can make it as much as i could if i came out, i know its wrong and its eating at me that i feel this way but i keep weighing up the ideas of staying closeted to achieve what ive always wanted career wise vs my happiness that will come from being honest about my sexuality and who i am even with the effect it might have career wise. i am so confused at the moment :frowning2: :frowning2: :frowning2: :frowning2:
     
  9. Mirko

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    Hi there! You know, it is perfectly alright to keep your professional and private lives separate. I think you are worrying about things a bit too early. :slight_smile: Reading through your posts, my suggestion would be to try figuring your sexual identity out first, become comfortable with it, and start the coming out process. Once you are yourself around those who are most important to you in your life, things will fall into place.

    There is a time and place for everything. The more you worry about things all at once, the more overwhelmed you will feel. Things will start making less sense, and you might find yourself to be even more confused or unsure as to how to proceed.

    Don't place your career goals ahead of your personal well being. If you do that, there will a day come, where it might all crumble down on you. There is only so much one can hold in before it will come bursting out.

    Give it some thought. (*hug*)
     
  10. mnguy

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    Yes, what Mirko said. You can keep business and personal lives distinct for quite a while, maybe a good long while. Maybe you'll see other gay people in your career moving up and this should be more likely as time goes on and more people drop their discriminatory attitudes toward GLBT people. Within most careers there are companies that are more GLBT friendly than others so maybe you can get into one of the good ones, if not right from the start, maybe later as you climb the corporate ladder. In my experience if you really want good raises/promotions, you should change companies a few times so hopefully you can get to a good GLBT company mid-later in your career and then have both the job status/money you want and a bf.

    There are people who get more personal reward from their careers than relationships and maybe that's your personality. If so, that's perfectly good for you and I wish you the best. If not, I hope you don't fall into that groove and then wake up one day hating your career/life and wishing you had tended to your sexual needs when you were younger. If possible, don't miss out on the young guys while you're still young. :eusa_danc
     
  11. browneyedboy

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    Thanks guys but i just cant seem to get my head right at the moment, this whole thing is freaking me out, i have no idea what to do, went to my psychologist the other day and had this whole long discussion on building my self confidence-and made up some bullshit story about how i need to get more confident, because ive never had a girlfriend thing. I felt like such an idiot, im so closeted im even lying to the person who could help me deal with this. my head feels like its about to explode and i randomly keep tearing up. i dont know what to do.
     
  12. Mirko

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    Hi there! (*hug*) How would you feel about coming out to your psychologist, and saying to her/him "I'm questioning my sexual identity. I'm afraid that my sexual identity will have an impact on my career"?
     
  13. acorn7

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    The feelings are very common with guys coming to term with their sexuality. Throughout my adolescence, I was clearly sexually attracted to guys. I tried so hard to be sexually attracted to girls, but I really wasn't. On the other hand, I actually had real "emotional" crushes on girls, as late as a year before I came out. I wanted a girlfriend. I couldn't see myself be in a relationship with a guy *at all*.

    Eventually, during my coming out process, seeing more normal and happy gay couples, I started thinking, "Yeah, that could be me". And I realized the reason I got on so well with girls was that we had many things in common, like our attraction to men :wink:

    About the career thing. I understand it's very stressful subject, especially at 19, but it's unrelated from your sexuality. If you're gay or bi, that has nothing to do with your work. There is no reason your professors, employers and colleagues should know your sexual preference if you don't want them to. Being gay will not stop you from achieving success. And if you do want to eventually come out to your colleagues, I think you'll find them much more accepting than you think. Either way, that's a long time away and you should be focusing on your personal life as a seperate area from your academic/professional life.
     
  14. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC.

    Much of what your wrote sounded like me when I was a teen. I wasn't really interested in the girls, even though a couple of them were interested in me. However, it didn't occur to me back then that I might be gay - at least not consciously. So eventually I did get married and had a couple of kids before figuring out why I continued to be unhappy with my life. And not before there was a lot of other stress and turmoil.

    So it's great that you're considering this now, rather than later.

    With respect to your career, I'd suggest that you'd be far more successful in whatever you choose to do if you're happy and well adjusted and feel good about yourself. That's likely going to mean coming out. I've come out recently at work and it hasn't made one bit of difference. I'm an accountant with a large telecommunications company, and my orientation doesn't matter one single bit to my manager (the deputy controller) or her manager (the controller and a SVP). If you're looking to take up a profession of some kind, where you'll be working with other well educated professionals, I doubt that your sexual orientation will matter to them either. I'm not 'wealthy', but I earn a 6 figure salary, and that isn't changing now that I've come out. In fact, I've received a raise this year, and got a very good performance review at year end. So coming out hasn't had a negative impact at all.

    But you are likely worrying about this prematurely. You're a few years away from working, and your chosen profession might change a few times between now and when you start working. I bet that regardless of your career, if you've already started the coming out process now, you'll be very well adjusted by the time you start working, and it really really won't make any difference.

    Good luck!
     
  15. mnguy

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    Hey man, I'm sorry you're feeling so upset and stressed. I would tell the truth to the psychologist and if you don't feel comfortable telling this particular one, then go to another one. You're not required to see this one forever so switch if you want to. I hope you can trust the confidentiality of a psychologist enough to talk about your sexuality and that it will help you. At the very least, you'll be able to get this frustration you have out to someone in person. This site is great for venting/advice too, but maybe talking in person will help you even more. Please keep us updated on how you're doing. (*hug*)
     
  16. browneyedboy

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    Hey guys
    I get along really well with my psychologist and has really has helped me through alot. The thing is i feel that i need to come to terms with this myself and fully understand what im feeling, before i can tell others. im so confused and at the moment i feel that if i verbalize it to someone it makes it final in my head and im really not ready to do that yet. Im still having trouble trying to work out where im standing, because as previously mentioned, i know i am sexually attracted to men but (possibly because of preconceived ideas from society) i still cant picture myself having an actual relationship with men. Ive managed to forget about the career thing for now as many of you have pointed out i still have a few years to get there with studying and everything and who knows how the world might have changed by then. Its just i dont feel ready for all the change, im pretty sure my parents will be okay with it, but my brothers are still in school for a while and i dont want them to have to face bullying because of me. I just feel that it would change family dynamics and with divorced parents its already been hard for everyone. Sorry guys i know it seems that i just keep complaining and finding problems its just im really been thinking about this alot lately. I thank you all so much for your continuing help and support its really nice to have somewhere like this to come vent and just get everything out there.
     
  17. mnguy

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    Don't worry; keep coming here and vent all you want. People here give good advice and have an understanding ear.

    I imagine a relationship with a guy like being best friends with a guy who you have fun with and find attractive. In addition to the things you'd do with regular friends, you can get physically close, cuddle, shower together, and whatever you both want to do together. Are these the things that make you unable to picture yourself in a relationship with a guy? If they are, I think you'll eventually come to enjoy the thought and the reality of those. If it's not the physical closeness, then may I ask what it is?

    I'm not saying you should, but if you want to, maybe talk to your parents about the stress you're having and there's no reason you or they would need to tell your brothers about it so please don't worry about them when it comes to you figuring out your sexuality and feeling better.

    Keep strong and recognize the things you can change and those you can't. I hope you feel better soon. (*hug*) :slight_smile:
     
  18. Beachboi92

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    i know exactly how you feel. I used to be in the same position and i've seen made sense of it xD

    i would say you are simply still going through the process of coming out to yourself and coming to terms with your sexual identity as a non-straight person. I say non-straight person because you may not be 100% gay i don't think anyone is solely attracted to one sex or the other xD but 100% straight guys don't think about other guys in bed :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    You may not yet be ready for a relationship with another man. You probably haven't had a lot of experience getting to know other guys with the intent of dating or even forming a solid friendship with them. the main issue is your in the closet still and that creates a lot of issues when it comes to forming relationships of any kind with anyone. Girls assume that the possibility of a relationship exists and guys don't think you would be sexually attracted to them when you meet them and you are in the closet xD

    The fact is that intimacy and attraction are a key part in a relationship and so if you don't form that with someone you might as well just be friends xD that is sort of where the idea that the best bf/gf is also a great friend comes from. You have that bond of friendship and physical attraction/intimacy.

    also it's hard to think of being in a real relationship with a guy if you have not yet come to terms with your sexual identity or accepted it. Instead you look for ways to deny that you are gay. I know i used to do it a lot to xD

    but whatever you decide to identify as, if you do decide to identify as anything (i have a male friend who claims no sexual orientation and is currently dating a guy) just remember it's better to be yourself. You will never be happy if you don't learn to accept who you are regardless of what other people think. And i understand worrying about how being gay will affect your ability to be successful but i have found if anything it has helped me. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and i feel i am a stronger person for what i have had to deal with as a gay teen. Plus a lot of people seem to take on the gay thing as a plus xD

    I hope i helped (*hug*)
     
  19. browneyedboy

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    sorry i haven't been replying guys, the only internet i had was on my phone and was to difficult to type and quote but im back and once again very grateful for all your advice.

    i really like the sound of that, i definitely think the reason i cant seem to imagine it is because society has deemed it un-normal to an extent, but im slowly overcoming that predefined idea. I really like that description and could far more easily imagine being in that type of relationship with a guy rather than a girl.

    really dont think i can bring myself to voice all this at the moment, but i think subconsciously im getting more and more into the understanding of it. its weird the other night i had a dream that my father somehow found out that i was gay and he was okay with it, then i had another dream that one of my friends said he was bi (which i actually thought he might be lol) so the whole gay thing is definitely playing around my brain a bit, which is a start i guess.


    This is how i feel at the moment that im not sure im 100% gay, but its definitely what i want right now, and in the community i live in labels tend to stick so it would be really difficult should i decide i liked a certain girl in a few years, once id come out.

    I think thats what i had been doing for a while trying to convince myself that it was only a sexual attraction and that i could get over it. But ive realised thats not the case and am now on to finding a whole lot of reasons why its not a good time to come out now/ why i should wait a bit longer let things pan out a bit.

    Im starting college this year and i think its the one time in life when its almost okay to just go out there and experiment and stuff, so hopefully o could work something out there. but also don't want to be in a situation where some one sees me with a guy and the people close to me find out that way rather than me telling them, i have a feeling it would go down a whole lot worse that way.....so alas i am still as confused as ever.

    Thank you all once again for the advice and hope you all have a fantastic new year.
     
  20. browneyedboy

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    One more thing one of my best friends (a girl) is coming to visit for a few days, i feel that if there is one person i could possibly voice this problem to is her. but i really dont know what her feelings are about people being gay, i mean ive never heard her make comments or anything, but i dont want it to land up ruining the few days shes here or even our friendship.