As many of you know I tried to come out to my mom when I was a freshman in high school. Lets just say it didn't go well. Ever since then, with increasing frequency in the last year, she makes these little comments and noises (along the lines of "Eww" and "Ugh" or "Thats disgusting" etc.) every time the word gay or anything to do with it is mentioned. She continually makes these comments about my best friends (Who are lesbians) which are very mean and unsolicited. It is increasingly insulting and I dont think I am going to be able to handle it much longer. I feel like it is time that I stand up for myself, but Im not exactly sure how to do so. Any advice?
She's baiting you for a fight, and other than confronting her about you being gay (again) which obviously will lead to a fight, I think some liberal snark and sarcasm could be your best friend in this scenario, along with a dose of good humor about the situation. As far as her talking about your friends goes though, I would stand up to her. Her attitude is uncalled for. Just say something to the effect of, "So-and-So is my friend and nothing you say will ever change that, so could we please move on?" Or, if she starts in, get up and leave the room. If you do it every time she says something, she'll start to associate her hateful attitude with your literal withdrawal. If she loves you, this will hurt her, and hopefully cause her to reconsider her actions/words towards you.
Hey! I am sorry you have to experience this. Standing up for your friends and yourself is definitely the right thing to do. Even if it means starting a fight with your mother. Here's what I would do: *something gay comes up* Mom: "ewww" You: "Sorry, what did you say?" Mom: "Oh, nothing" You: "Do you have an issue with my friends/ me / gay people?" Mom: "No." You: "Well, I feel that you are acting immature. You have a very bad attitude and I don't like being around you when you are like that. I would appreciate if you would show some respect and keep your remarks to yourself." ^repeat this dialogue as often as necessary, eventually she will get what you're saying. And don't let her get away with it. Otherwise, this will just continue. Good luck and keep us updated!
Sounds like your Mom is trolling. I second the recommendation of just walking out of the room. From what you have said in the past I don't think a confrontation is going to help things. The only thing that will happen is she will bring you down to her level.
I feel that just walking out without giving a clear reason won't help anyone. He will just end up walking out a lot. Which won't be much different than just standing there and taking all that. It's worth a try, ofc. But if it feels like there's no progress, at one point you will have to face the issue and talk about it.
My suspicion is that she knows... meaning, she knows that when you said it was all a mistake, that it wasn't really the case. She's somehow hoping that by her constant snarking and disapproval, she will magically convince you to be straight. The unfortunate thing with a lot of fundy types is they honestly believe it's a choice, and/or that if you pray hard enough, God will change it. And probably nothing you can say will dislodge that belief. As hurtful as it is, I think your best advice is probably to continue biting your tongue, at least until you're 18. Otherwise, you could find yourself sent to straight camp or something worse. It sucks, and it's wrong on many levels, but what I'd suggest you think about is whether or not the potential difficulty she could cause if you challenge her is worth holding onto your feelings. I wish I had better advice, but from what I know of your situation (and, obviously, you'll know better than anyone), that would seem like the most prudent choice.
His mom is passively trying to establish dominance. By him walking out by not saying anything he is actively asserting his dominance. She will know why he is walking out. This will also send the message that if she truly wants the confrontation she'll need to take an active posture. While that conversation might suck, she'll be an active part of the conversation and actually listen do what he is saying. It will also send the message that if she wants to be part of her son's life she needs to accept him for who he is. One key part is that he has to be willing to walk out of the room without saying a word. No snide remarks, answering where he is going, or why he is leaving. It is a ballsy move as she may try to escalate the situation quickly. The advantage here is that he has established a position of dominance, and will control the confrontation. Is such a case the No one will need to be careful to keep his emotions in check. If not the situation can quickly escalate to the point where either of the parties decides to use the nuclear option. A sample scenario is below: Mom: Gays are evil, and so on. OP: walks out. Mom: Where are you going? OP: says nothing and keeps walking. (At the point the mother likely backs down, but if not continue below) Mom: (Yells) I am your Mom and you'll listen to me. (This is where she try to actively assert her dominance. This is good) OP: (Calmly says) I don't like when you talk like that. So I am going to my room. Mom: Well the bible says ...... OP: (Again calmly says) Well like I said I don't like hearing you talk like that. I don't think Jesus would want us to talk about others in such a way. You can talk like that if you want, but I'll have no part of it. Three things happen at this point: 1. Mom backs down and goes back to watching TV. 2. Mom says something like sorry if I offended you, or well you're wrong and goes back to watching TV. 3. They have a come to Jesus meeting and hash out their problems. Just remember in a situation such as this you must stay calm. The one who remains calm will maintain control of the situation. Also people reflect our emotions. So if he is calm, she is more likely to remain calm. If he gets mad she'll get even madder. In short. No one has to be the adult here.
Fundie passive-aggressiveness. Joy of joys. You have three choices here, really. One-call her on her shit. Do this only if you're ready to withstand whatever backlash will invariably come of such an action. Not necessarily always the most advisable, but showing that you have an actual spine and are willing to stand up to passive-aggressive bullshit sometimes can get the passive-aggressive person to at least shut the fuck up. It's a gamble that might work out, might end badly, but will make you feel really good for awhile. Two-bail out when she does it. Don't say anything, just bail out. This won't really communicate all that much, and it'll make her think she's really getting to you. I would only do this if I thought I was gonna lose my shit in a way that would end badly. Otherwise, you're giving her motivation to keep on behaving badly. Three-bite your tongue and bide your time until you can move the fuck out and never look back. This keeps the peace, but keeps your emotions on high boil. It's easy for me on the outside to say I'd lose my shit on her and go for the gusto, but I know that saying's easier than doing. That said, I advocate calling her on it. If you do, make sure you have a friend's couch lined up as an alternate plan B.
When she says something rude about your friends maybe you can tell her that X is a really good person, she's your friend and that it's rude of her to disparage your friend or anyone just for being GLBT. Tell her that she's essentially saying eww/yuck/etc. about you, her son, and how that makes you feel. Keep reinforcing the fact that no one selects his/her sexuality and to make snide comments about anything "gay" is as immature as making them about ethnicity or being left-handed. If she continues being dense/rude/bigoted, spend as little time around her as possible and hopefully you can move away. Good luck. (*hug*)
I don't think he needs to clarify why he's walking out. If he walks calmly away every time his mother says something disparaging about gay people (knowing full well that the OP is gay himself) I think he is sending a very clear message that he will not stand there and listen to his own mother spew hate at him. On the other hand, talking about the matter when his mother doesn't really seem ready to do so will almost assuredly escalate into a fight, during which the OP's mother might feel hurt and disrespected, damaging her relationship with the OP even further. For what it's worth, I too think it's a fight that's going to have to be fought eventually (as well as a conversation that must be had) but in the meantime, I think walking out is the most dignified reaction to that kind of talk, especially since it's such deliberate trolling behavior. If the OP responds to her baiting and the conversation escalates into a fight, guess what? Game on. OP's Mom - 1, OP - 0. (Unless the OP can use one of these battle setups to facilitate a genuine coming out conversation, which seems unlikely.) But walking out says instead, "I'm not going to play this stupid game, and you can't make me."
