Closeted in College

I'm glad that you were able to find EC, so welcome!

I'm also Greek, and went through my first two years of college while closeted. Coming out to my brothers was something that I was willing to just let slide, but thanks to another brother in my fraternity, he got me rolling on starting my coming out process. Still, telling my brothers was one of my most stressful tells, seconded only to my parents. You're putting a lot at stake when you tell your brothers, and unless you have a really good reason to do it or somebody there helping you, it's something that can easily just be put on the back burner and ignored.

For resources, there's something called the Lambda 10 project which you can find here. The site is a bit out of date, but the resource section is still great. I'd encourage trying to find someone within your fraternity out list, and possibly just contact them asking about what they know of the national fraternity's standings on acceptance, or if they know of any resources that the fraternity has for these situations. There are a lot of good personals on that site as well to read through. And if you can get your hands on it, try reading Out on Fraternity Row.

I hope I've helped, and if there's anything else you are curious about - feel free to ask

 

Hey and welcome to EC! I'll try and tackle everything one by one.

Numero uno: Honestly, I have a feeling your parents already know. Maybe not your dad, but dads are always so oblivious. Mom's are always spot on though, and I have a good feeling she might know. About the hints that she dropped + not loving any of her kids if they were gay...I call bullshit. I bet she'd still love you. How long did it take you to realize and accept that you were gay? A pretty fucking long time right? So you can't just expect your parents to be fine with it the next day (some parents are, but others need time). So even if you come out to them in the future and they don't immediately take it well, just remember that they need time to process everything and see that they'd rather have the gay you in their life than the straight facade you're pulling off.

Numbero dos: These guys are your best friends, and even though you aren't obligated to tell them anything it's stuff like this that makes friendships stronger. You'll see who your real friends are and all the fake bastards will rear their ugly heads. And you're spot on, our generation is much more tolerant, especially people who go to universities, even in the south. So I bet that not one of your friends would abandon you or think lesser of you. Some even think more of you for taking the courage to come out to them. And you know what's going to go through their heads? "Oh shit, inglriusbastard is gay. I thought he was straight all this time. Well he's still the same old guy so IDGAF." Well, something like that. And you're not being deceitful, so don't trip.

Numero tres: Ok this kind of ties in to number two. Congrats on coming out to your friend cause I know it takes a lot of courage. I'm glad she took it well. you made the first step actually. You slowly just start building up your support group, and when you realize you have all these people behind you no matter your sexuality you start to realize "what the fuck was I thinking?" So yeah coming out to your friend is the beginning of your support group. And I'm confused by what she means by "living in the house." Does she mean your house with the family or your fraternity house? If it's your frat house I don't think you really have much to worry about. Heck I bet there are probably a few more closeted guys in your fraternity...you never know lol.

Damn this shit was long. I usually don't write in the support forum. Hope this helped!

Oh and one more thing. For gods sakes change your fucking wardrobe.

 

Normally I don't get to read or post here very much but saw your post and could definitely relate. Currently I go to a big university in Virginia and play in the marching band there. My section in particular, due to what I play, has a very 'frat'-ish dynamic and often "gay" jokes as well as jokes about other types of people come up. Although I knew that this was all in jest and that none of the guys actually meant what they said, it scared me to death to think about coming out to this group of people I think of as a family. My fear was that I would be instantly judged and excommunicated. What I discovered was the fact that I was into guys had no real effect on the way the guys treated me. Most were just shocked and had no idea I was gay. If anything they admired me for sharing something so personal at the time and I learned that I had a great group of friends. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I believe you should definitely come out in college. I think when you do decide to tell your brothers, they may be a little shocked, but they will also be very understanding and will still see you as the same brother that you were before they knew you were gay. Plus I have to agree with RaRa, its College. By staying in the closet you are truly missing out on so many awesome opportunities and experiences. Most people by this point have grown-up a lot and are much more mature in the university setting. Finally, just because you come out at school doesn't necessarily mean you automatically have to come out to your family at exactly the same time.Just take it a step at a time. =)!

 

Welcome to EC!

A) It sounds like your parents are doing a bit of aversion therapy. It's unpleasant, but sadly not uncommon. They got some signs that you might be gay (to wit: they saw you looking at gay porn), and went into panic mode. "Uh-oh, IB might be becoming gay - we'd best nip this in the bud." So your mother started saying how she probably wouldn't love her son as much if he were gay, hoping you'd respond by "turning away from the gay". She probably doesn't get that it doesn't work that way. You already ARE gay (and were long before the porn incident), and so all these comments aren't averting you - they're simply hurting you. I wouldn't put too much stock in what she's saying. Chances are that there WILL be a period of adjustment once you come out to her, but she'll almost certainly come around.

B. I guess I understand joining the fraternity, but it still seems a bit confusing. I'm thinking you signed on with a (potentially) gay-unfriendly group not just for your college years, but beyond - hoping you can use the connections after graduation. Is there a point you ARE going to feel totally comfortable with the group? Once you get a good job? Or will you want to stay in, fearing the loss of said job, or because "hey - I might need another good reference someday"?

C. I'm glad you've got a supportive friend, although I wouldn't necessarily take her advice to heart. If you find other people you feel would be supportive, you can certainly come out to them. And that might include coming out to some or all of your brothers at some point down the road.

>>>I care about my fraternity and friends, and I know what the stereotype is, but we're usually mean to people to get a rise out of them, just like we do to eachother, so don't take the stereotype to heart, especially since I'm posting on here.

Understood, but hopefully that works both ways. You probably should drop the word "flaming", as we tend not to use that term. "Effeminate" usually is the preferred word. And for the record, most effeminate gay guys come out of the closet pretty quick. Why shouldn't they? Everybody thinks they're gay, anyway. No one would much believe them if they insisted they were straight, so they just say "Screw it" and come out. And tend to be quite a bit happier for it.

Lex

 

I think what the others said about your parents is probably right. Why exactly would you need to come out to your parents? Maybe just tell them that you're dating a guy if/when that happens like it's no big deal, bc it isn't really.

Pretty much everyone I know has at one time or another said something disparaging about gay people and it's probably even more common for you with your frat brothers. For this reason I don't bother telling anyone, but maybe I'm unreasonable to expect others to be respectful to GLBT people.

Good job coming out to your friend. Maybe you and she can go to a gay bar and you can meet some other gay guys/get some action. Getting your needs met once in a while might ease your nerves about it when you're at the house and things can continue there as usual. Maybe you'll meet a great guy and want to move in with him.

Hope whatever you do turns out well.

---------- Post added 27th Dec 2010 at 10:06 AM ----------

I forgot to mention that I wish I had known I was gay and had the guts when I was in college so I could have been with guys of that age. As the years pass by and you get older, it's less and less likely to be with the guys you find attractive who are the age you're at now. Enjoy your youth and dating and being with the guys in your age group while you can. Sure there are lots of guys my age I find attractive, but I feel I missed my chance on that college boy experience so don't miss yours.

 

I understand how your situation is delicate. A fraternity is not the most gay-friendly environment, at least at first glance. Congratulations on coming out to your friend, that's an important step and I hope she can be a good place for you to find emotional support.

However, I don't necessarily agree with her advice. If you want to come out, if you feel ready, you should definitely work towards it, even if it is in baby steps. Any other friends outside your fraternity you would trust with the fact you're gay? Come out to them, one at the time. It'll help.

I'm sure your college offers free counselling services. I don't know how competent they are, but it doesn't hurt to try.

As for the biggie, your frat buddies... They would probably be shocked, but supportive. I think if they realize "one of them" is gay, it really opens their eyes — and in your case, they already seem generally accepting. I'm not too familiar with the frat culture, are there a few of your friends you consider your closest and would probably react well to the news? Come out to them.

Don't get me wrong, this shiz ain't easy. But if done right, it will make you feel so much better. The year I came out was definitely the most memorable of my life and I would've surely won "Most Improved" if I had been in the running for a personality award! Oh, and don't worry: you can totally be gay and conservative, Southern, a frat boy and all of that.

I would, by the way, second the wardrobe suggestion

 

I'm happy for you! Congrats on the additional steps you've taken.

Initial choices for joining a fraternity really range through a whole wide spectrum of things; some logical and honorable, and some stupid and shallow. They don't really matter though. We hardly know anything when we first go out and start pledging and later agree to be initiated. What really should be considered are the reasons for staying in your fraternity - because those are where the true feelings lay.

Concerning your ideas about attaining important roles within your house, if you truly are one for the position your brothers are fools to jeopardize the good of the house by passing you by. You can indeed gain those roles though. I have a brother who's out at his fraternity and is currently their president, and also running for positions within his school for things like president of the student body, and it's looking like he has a good chance of getting it. Zumbro is the treasurer of my house, and was previously in charge of alumni relations (think about that, the house chose him for a position in his running for it where he was the middleman between the current house and all the individuals of the fraternity who are most likely to hold grudges and be homophobic). I have another friend who's out and is in charge of recruitment for his house. I myself had pledge master in the bag for this past year but had to pass it up for study abroad opportunities, but I easily see it as a possibility in the future or even president. I even see working on the IFC as an easily attainable goal. Being right for the position is what get's you into the position, not your sexual preference.

 

You're running into that common issue with fraternities. I'll do anything for my friends because they're my friends. You've got this nagging question whether your brothers will do anything for you because they like you, or because it's in the charter. If you REALLY are that tight, then your sexuality won't matter in the slightest. If they think you'll make a good president, then they'll make you president knowing you're gay. And a huge part of that is attitude. If your sexuality becomes a skeleton in the closet (maybe the skeleton is gay?), then I don't think that will weigh well on you. But if you OWN it - if you say "Yeah, I'm a fraternity brother, and I'm gay, SFW?", they're far more likely to take the same attitude.

Lex

 

Whatever makes you happy, man. As long as some people know and you can talk to them, that's all that matters for now. Beyond that, everything takes time and everything requires the RIGHT time. Just take it one day at a time.