I afraid for my career and in some instances my safety with regards to coming out. I've already figured out who most of my real friends are by now and they know already. As far as my work is concerned, I'm an independent contractor within a community of contractors and we all hire each other and it's definitely a straight community. I guess that worry isn't too big a deal. My biggest concern is with my former best friend of 5 years. The thing is that even though we never had an acknowledged romantic relationship, what he amounted to was a mentally and emotionally abusive boyfriend. I think he subconsciously used my sexuality against me. I still believed I wasn't into guys. He was obsessed with sleeping with or having threesomes with every woman I slept with. He was manipulative, controlling, lying, crazy-making and at times evil. He tried to run every aspect of my life, who I talked to, who I dated who I worked with, how I thought, looked and acted. He utilized physical intimidation and controlled what people thought about me. He tried to sexually intimidate my female friends and really scared one of them by laying his gun on his nightstand while coming on to her when she had no ride home. We became enmeshed after I had a complete mental/emotional breakdown. My grasp on reality at the time was tenuous at best. My sense of self had dissolved and I was falling fast when we became reunited and he helped me out of a bad living situation. What followed was his version of immersion therapy/brain washing. Toward the end he became more physically offensive. He also became emotionally abusive to a good friend of mine who also has a history of emotional problems. I tried, stupidly, to come out to him and he told me that "fags" just aren't man enough to "handle" women. Which at the time I actually took to heart.(pause while I vomit) Besides, I'd "handled" women just fine and most of my best friends have been ex-girlfriends. Either way, the way he said it was almost threatening and the day after he got kind of rough with me in a really creepy way and he had this look in his eye that frightened and disgusted me. He has also turned people against me telling them god knows what. I came out to a mutual friend and she agreed that he shouldn't find out. I know it's only a matter of time before he does though. I don't see him anymore but when I stopped hanging out, he and a friend joked several times about kidnapping me. I don't know who to trust anymore so I just avoid everyone from my old group. Am I paranoid? Does anyone have any tips? btw some of the friends are quite homophobic and/or unrealized gay. There are very few open gay people around. Thank you for reading this chaos.
That was most certainly chaotic. It took me a couple re-reads to pick up your story and your problem and I think that you're being a tiny bit paranoid, but in a good way. If you don't feel safe in our old group, avoid them. No one had to know why you're avoiding them or what are your reasons to not be around them. If you don't feel safe around someone, don't be. Especially if you're uncertain on what that person thinks of you or feels about you. I know it's little what I can tell right now but I got lost a couple times reading you. Hopefully my advise is useful. And you can be 100% sure that we are a safe place you can always come back to. =)
You should never hang around people who scare you. Period. Slowly start to cultivate new friendships which have nothing to do with that guy and his friends. If your community is so small that you can not avoid running into him, you might want to consider moving. It sounds extreme, but abuse and harrasement are just as extreme. And I only want you to be safe. You don't have to come out to everyone. Only the ones that you can trust and that have you back. If he contacts you to find out where you are? Why aren't you hanging with him? Let him know that you can't handle the amount of drama that he brings to your life.
This guy should be out of your life. Completely. It may be that your paths cross professionally or socially, but what he thinks about your sexuality shouldn't even register on your radar. You certainly shouldn't bother tracking him down to tell him. If/when he finds out, and he contacts you, just tell him "sorry - I'm not interested in maintaining contact with you" and block his phone number or e-mail. Will he come kidnap you? I can't imagine he will. If he brings it up in his first contact, feel free to tell him "Wow - you sound awfully obsessed with my sexuality." That should be enough to make him back off. Lex
Sorry about the convoluted post, I get a bit overwhelmed when I start thinking about this stuff. A couple of details that may tie things together a bit: I should have added that this group of friends was essentially my family for the past 15 years. My only emotional support. The worst part about it is that whenever I'd try to tell anyone from our group about the manipulations and really bad stuff that happened they'd be like "He really cares about you and just wants to help you." It got to the point where I didn't know if I was imagining things. I know when they find out I'm gay that they'll just think I'm being "crazy" again. I know this is true but I can't shake the feeling that I owe an explanation for disappearing. That about sums it up, I don't know why I hadn't that simple truth before. I think the chances of kidnapping are negligible, but I've been surprised before. They probably kept talking about it to get under my skin. It worked, it made my skin crawl. Especially after seeing the nasty crap they look at online(like "faces of death" meets porn nasty). The funny thing is, despite my being the crazy one, I haven't become a drug addict or alcoholic(knock on wood) and I don't manipulate or bully people. But I'm the screwed up one. I suppose now would be a good time to remember the serenity prayer... Thanks for helping me work this out, I will definitely use the responses you guys suggested. They are simple and to the point, perfect!
>>>I know this is true but I can't shake the feeling that I owe an explanation for disappearing. You owe nobody an explanation for anything, and certainly not for this. If anybody asks, you can tell them he's a manipulative asshole. But they probably saw that firsthand, and so don't need to ask. >>>I think the chances of kidnapping are negligible, but I've been surprised before. They probably kept talking about it to get under my skin. It worked, it made my skin crawl. Especially after seeing the nasty crap they look at online(like "faces of death" meets porn nasty). The funny thing is, despite my being the crazy one, I haven't become a drug addict or alcoholic(knock on wood) and I don't manipulate or bully people. But I'm the screwed up one. Again, it shouldn't matter in the slightest that fucked-up people think you're fucked up. Leave them behind, and start surrounding yourself with better folks. Ones who can appreciate what you have to offer, and don't give a flying rat's ass who you want to go to bed with. They ARE out there. Lex
