Hi! New here. If you missed it, I have an introduction in the appropriate area of the site if you want to catch up on the fact than when I ramble out jokes, it means I feel weird and it's my way of blurting out what I need to say between the lines. I'm not trying to make light of the situation; I'm seriously going nuts. Okay, so, I really don't know where to start. I think the main thing I feel I need help with is that "alone" feeling. Not alone as in "I need a partner" feeling; genuinely feeling like I am utterly without anyone there. See, I have always felt weird around people. I went to a Catholic school up through 4th grade, and was always just... different? I mean, I was bullied a lot, only had one real friend and he was only tolerant of me because he was hated by everyone else for being the mean kid, and I hated sports, even though the nerf football always made contact with my head. Thing is, it's not like I knew I liked guys or anything back then, I just thought I wasn't meant to hang around with people. Anyway, I only had 2 years without that feeling of being alone, then it got worse. 5th and 6th grade I had a lot of friends (all girls, oddly enough), and one girl that I liked(?) (Okay! It was pre-puberty! I thought I liked her! I didn't know what "like" meant at the time) but in 7th grade, she dumped me because she learned what "liking" somebody meant, and I didn't look like what she liked. (Yeah, she actually told me that, I called her shallow, made her cry, took it back). Anyway, she took all of my friends with her (because girls seem to travel in packs at that age), and I had never made friends with any boys, and considering what I was starting realize about myself at the time, I didn't really want to for fear of it being awkward. Anyway, middle school sucked. Nobody even had a CLUE about my orientation (I denied it to myself and pretended it wasn't there), and still nobody talked to me. I made 2 real friends, 1 boy and one girl, and when they started dating, things got messy and I got kicked aside... (here's a good one; I got kicked aside because my friend who was a boy thought I was trying to steal his girlfriend. That one is still hysterical to me). Anyway, I was seriously going through middle school with nobody and I got depressed. (Later, when I finally did start talking to my old friends again, they said they didn't want to talk to me because I SEEMED depressed... I still want to smack them for that line.) Anyway, by the end of middle school, I was so depressed I realized I had to change something. So, I started acting like a goofball. A lot. I was still depressed, but nobody knew it. I hid my orientation and feelings in the closet, kicked out my inner child, and told him to go make friends for me so I could stay where it was warm and safe. Okay, NOW I am at the part where I have the problem. The depression still never went away. Acting like a goofball and being really nice and everything has made me a lot of really nice and close friends. I even have all of my elementary-school friends back now. ALL OF THEM. Problem is, my inner child became my outer personality and made all of my friends... I (as in the person speaking to you now) am still alone and trapped in that void dug out in middle school. I was close to suicidal in 10th grade, and people tell me that that year I was the most fun. That scares me! I can be utterly and morbidly depressed to the point I need psychiatric help and I can hide it so well that nobody around me even has a clue! Now, I'm just really scared of everything and everyone. I'm scared that talking about my feelings will drive people away. I'm afraid of coming out to people because I don't think they will realize that there is a lot of emotional baggage in here with me that needs to come out too. Thing is, I only have felt like I need to come out because I need to get rid of all the stuff that hurts me in there; I couldn't care less if people knew I liked guys as long as they are accepting, what I care about is needing to be heard for once. I can't keep being the kid who is always there for a joke and can be there when you need him and never have an emotional problem of his own. Before recently, I haven't had a single conversation about ME in 10 years; they all have to be about somebody else, and I can interject stuff. It's just... I thought coming out to my friends would help. Having the closet door open would let me toss out some of the baggage, you know? Problem is, I'm still afraid to. I'm still hurting the same way I always did because I still feel like I hide behind a smile, and I am really good at it too... I just feel like there is nobody that is really going to be there unconditionally. I'm so afraid of scaring my friends off that I'm going back into hating myself again, even though I don't know why. I mean, I'm turning to total strangers here for advice because I'm stuck in a very deep rut, and next year, I'm going away to college and am going to have to start from scratch; I don't want to be a stress-case who is a danger to himself in an environment where I don't know anybody... Okay, I think that is enough for one post... Sorry it's so long. I have a bad habit of saying more than I should.
Hey, welcome herr :smilewave She had it coming.. (just sayin') Yeah, unfortunately, this scenario is quite common among LGBT youth, especially in Middle school, it's rough. .....interesting way of putting it lol Again, it's unfortunately common among depressed teens that it's somewhat hard for others to tell what's happening with them. I think you just dealt with it differently than other kids do. Talking about feelings shouldn't be driving any friends away, in fact, I would say it brings you closer, because people will understand you more. If they run away, then they never were real friends, and they need to respect your feelings as much as you would, theirs. If you work things out with them, you won't be a walking wreck, just take it a step at a time, they will probably understand, and be supportive, seeing as how accepting our generation is.. It's okay, it keeps us entertained! :eusa_clap
Ichi, this part of your story really stood out to me because I can really relate to it. I spent most of my years during high school and college deeply depressed because I was in the closet, and was very close to suicide during those years several times (not just thinking about it incidentally once in awhile, but actually planning out my preferred method, making arrangements for my things, and even writing my suicide note). However, when I admitted that I was suicidal during those years to my immediate family when I came out, they had absolutely no idea that I was depressed. Aloof sometimes? Yeah. Eccentric and rebellious? Definitely. But desperately wrestling with whether or not life was worth living? Nobody had the slightest clue I wanted to kill myself. Apparently being transgendered makes you a really, really good liar. (Not that it's anything to be proud of..) Rather than immediately unloading years of emotional baggage on your friends, I'd recommend that you spend some time here on the EC forums talking to people who can intimately comprehend and relate to your situation. Because let's face it - most straight kids have no idea what it's like, and even the best people have a problem being empathetic about situations they can't relate to. If you ever need to vent, feel free to hit me up with a PM. Hope that you find this forum helpful - I know I have.
Wow. You just described my entire high school experience up to the end of 10th grade for me. Not in the details, but in the basic premise: constructing this outer "you" to make friends and it working. I did exactly the same. I was very shy in elementary school and was friends with the reject boys and the not-btichy girls. In grade 8, I finally decided to change and become more known. I came out of my shell and it was very awkward, floating between groups of friends, but it worked quite well. By 10th grade, I was generally liked and I had many good friends. But I also realized how this was all a product of my fake outer shell. I felt like I had no individuality. I would mold my personality on the person I was talkting with. I felt totally empty inside. I had built the inner me with the all-over-the-place, fake outer me. I came out in 11th grade, over the course of the year, to one person at the time (I guess I'm very methodical that way!). With every person I told, I felt a bit better about myself, and by the time I graduated (in Quebec we finish in 11th grade) it had gone from my worst to my best year in high school. I think you should definitely think about coming out. You should do it however you like, to people you trust. Yes, it's effing terrifying. But it's worth it. Ultimately, it's your key to a happier life. That doesn't mean you need to "unload the baggage" all at once, but yes, for me it did help for other people to know. Mostly girls However, there is nothing wrong with looking for help online. Everyone here is at a different spot in their coming out process, and we're here to help and to talk! Half the reason I even accepted myself in the first place was that I lurked for months on Empty Closests and discovered cool, normal, diverse gay guys and gals with happy lives. If you want to talk, don't hesitate to PM. I'd love to share. I notice you're in Vermont... Don't hesitate to come up to Montreal and visit — it's one of the most LGBTQ-friendly places around!
