I'm 24 and FINALLY able to accept my being gay. The only one I have told is my best friend (shes in my avatar). I told her again a few days ago. The first time was about 2 years ago. I think thats when I really began to question who I was and what I wanted to do. Shortly after telling her the first time I dropped into deep denial and depression. During these past 2 years I tried dating women a few times but nothing seemed to feel right. After my final failed attempt with women I realized I was sick of lying to myself. And need to get on with being gay. In case your wondering I have been with a man. Once. Denial was quick to follow. My main concern and what Im curious of is whether or not people will accept me as a gay man. I feel as if I lived a lie for so long that people just won't see it to be true. That and I really just don't know where to begin. My question to all of you is, is it really this difficult to start living the life I want? Im sick of hiding the truth and really feel sick about going any longer the way I have for years now. Sorry for my not so great grammar. I hope I haven't rambled on to much and that my point is clear. Thanks in advance, TheWanderer
Even if you don't realize it--you have already begun and for that, even if it was a long time coming, I congratulate you. I don't think you have an honest idea of how great and magnificent a thing you've accomplished. Given time, experience, and a bit of believing in yourself, others will come to see that you've discarded the shell of your false heterosexuality and come to accept you as you are, regardless of your orientation. (*hug*) No, it is not difficult at all. What kind of life is it that you're really wanting to live? I don't considering being gay living a 'life' so to speak. Being gay, to me, is only one of the smallest defining features of myself. What could be difficult about it for you, Wanderer?
Thank you for your kid words, just for starters. I suppose what I mean by "living the life I want" is more so not lying to myself and others. It has been a long time coming. Maybe I should take what you say and realize that I have already begun and go with it. Happy fun time??? (!)(!)
First thing, congratulations for coming out to yourself and for finaly accepting yourself as a gay man (*hug*) That's already a huge step done, and I think the hardest one. And congratulations as well for coming out to your friend. It's great that you're having someone close to support you through your journey. Now, to answer your question, I'm sure most of your family and friends are going to be fine with the fact you're gay. And I'm absolutly certain they will understand why you didn't tell them before. One of my best friend came out to me when both of us were 24. What I thought was not "Gosh ! He lied to me talking about all these girls during years !" nor "You ? Gay ? No, you're just confused because of your last relationship. You'll be gay until the next girl only." What I thought was "My god ! He must have had such a hard time accepting himself for trying to be straight for so long. He must have been so afraid to be rejected for who he is." And what I told him was that I loved him the way he was, and that I was happy he wasn't struggling anymore with his orientation. I can't guaranty you there is not going to be awkward moments, nor that every people you're going to come out to will be fine with this at first. But I'm pretty sure more people than you think are going to be loving and supportive of who you are. All you have to do is to tell them (I know it's easier said than done) if you feel ready for this. I'm adding a link to a Pflag booklet that you may find usefull : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Be_Yourself.pdf Take care, (*hug*) Cécile
I think I will post another quick reply. It is becoming apparent to me that not much will change after my coming out. Which is awesome. I love who I am, what I do etc... So this is really good to realize. Slowly but surely I will get there. Thanks again to you two and anyone else who might want to add anything. Eleanor Rigby, while most of the information in the link you posted was already known to me its nice to have it all compiled together in a nice easy format. Thanks a bunch, I did enjoy reading it over! This site offers a wealth of knowledge that I have found very helpful. You are all very kind. Soon I will share my experiences but until then I hope to join in a few other convos here.
I found it extremely rare that people don't believe somebody coming out. And a lot of that has to do with attitude. If you text people "HA HA IM GAY LOL OK BYE", yeah, they may not believe you. If you toss it off in conversation with a smug smile, they might think you're kidding. But if you tell them about your struggle with coming to grips with it, the emotion behind your voice will lend a lot of credence to what you're saying, and they're more likely to understand. And for those who DON'T believe? Fuck 'em. You've got a life to live. Go live it. Lex
Because I dont like starting new threads I will continue here... So I visited my parents last night. They live about an hour and a half away so I make it a point to stop by from time to time. There was no mention of my being gay, this wasnt the intent of my visit so I guess no problems there. However, while I was there my mom complimented me on my haircut, and well overall appearance. I suppose Im actually trying to look good now as apposed to being a depressed bum... Still no problem, we all like compliments I think. Let me give you a run down of a portion of our convo. mom: your hair looks nice, its kinda stylish. me: oo thank you. i found a nice salon near my house. mom: better than going to a barber i think. who cut your hair? me: this girl, she was very pleasant and easy to talk to. mom: did you ask her out? me:..(kinda chuckled) no mom:well why dont you go out tonight, you look really handsome, i bet you could me a a cute girl tonight. (yes girl was used as many times as its typed here.) me: nah im good mom: well I really think you and brian(my cousin) should go to (local pub) and meet some girls. me: Im sure he has to work tomorrow and doesnt want to go out. mom: well you know i really want you to bring home a girl. and you look really handsome so come on go out. me: mom stop please! mom: says to my dad, doesnt he look nice? dad: no response, sips coffee anyhow, this continued for a few more " go get a girl" Like I said I didnt want to tell them I was gay, mainly because we are all trying to help my grandmother with the whole sell the house, where she will live type stuff so it didnt seem appropriate. SO once again and for a little while longer I say nothing. :eusa_doh:
When I began to come out, what I worried wasn't that I wouldn't be accepted, but that other gay people would think poorly of me for taking so long, given that I had a fair few contemporaries who had been out a few years. I'd been in company when gay issues were discussed, or referred to, but was outwardly straight. But really, people do realize that people come to understand themselves over time. 24 is a little later than most these days, but not exceptionally so. I was 22 when I started coming out, and by now I'm fairly settled and comfortably gay, it's no longer an issue. As to people actually not believing you, I doubt you'll get much of that. Outside of a drunken statement, or in a particular moment that could be taken as insincere, why would anyone say they were gay who wasn't? Why would someone genuinely attracted to women invite the possibility of something with a man? Most people can see the common sense in that, even if it can take them some time to adjust to the idea of you being gay, given how they're used to think of you. As to your parents, don't worry just yet, wait till it feels right, tell a few more friends. When I told my parents, they almost wanted to hear that I'd told friends, that it wasn't something I was hiding socially, and that I could by then talk comfortably with them about it.
It's one thing to take the attitude "they've got enough on their plate right now, so I won't bring it up" - although you'll quickly find how easy it is to convince yourself they've ALWAYS "got enough on their plate". But if they're going to press, as your mother was doing, I'd say you're not the one making it any issue - she is. At any point in that conversation, you could have said "Well, I don't know if this is the right time to discuss this, but I don't think I'll be bringing a girl home anytime soon." Presumably "the talk" could jump off from there. And at that point, you weren't the one being intrusive - she was. Lex
Its too bad that the conversation didn't go like this That would've been an Epic conversation. Seriously, good luck. There will come a good time tell them.
Well, it's impossible to know without the background and context, but my intuition says that your mom already knows, or suspects, and the above conversation is essentially part of her initial response (denial)... that somehow if she just encourages you that it will magically make you straight. I could be entirely wrong, but given the number of less-than-subtle hints for you to find a girl, it seems pretty likely she knows something is up. From the above exchange, she might have a little bit of a time adjusting at first, but I suspect she's already thinking about it and processing, so it may be that if you just wait a couple of months, she'll have time to work it through in her own mind and it will be a total non-issue once you are ready to come out to her.
I'm glad you posted this Chip. I recently entertained this very thought. It refreshing to hear it from a completely non bias opinion.
I felt the same way when I accepted my gayness. Everyone thought I was straight, and I was freaking out about having to change. Thing is: when I came out nothing changed. Only a few people reacted badly but 97% of the peopel i've told were cool with it. And, there wasn't any change to my life other then people knowing I enjoy men instead women. I'm the same person, thus you'll be the same person just gay. And to answer you question: Yes it is hard to come out, it supposed to be. Hard times test people and see who can step up. Being happy is hard, being different is hard. If it was easy everyone would do it.
