:tantrum: :***::tantrum: GRAWWHHHHHH! Now that that's outta the way, I can actually be serious, because, I really, really need help. Background: It all started when I was 8 or 9. I was in a sweet little town, but sadly, the community wasn't sweet. Everyone was a bully, douchebag, druggy, or just... there. Silent types, ya know? And I was the pathetic little looser of the town. Always getting the shit beat out of me, and if I was lucky, it'd only be one person at a time. Teachers didn't do shit, cept give dirty looks and occasionally telling someone off. They never took action, they ignored it plenty, and nothing ever stopped people. This is what made me depressed from my life up until now, what made me unable to share things, tell people how I was, who I was. It also developed my anger issues. As you could imagine, I had a lot of rage in me. And, I only had my mother left. So I guess you can guess who got the backlash out of it. She was an *amazing* parent, never let me down, so she did what any parent would have, tried consulting the school, and when that failed, counseling. I was in counseling for several years. Never helped, never. But they eventually closed my case, because I started to learn how to do something. No, not control my anger, but to shut down my emotions, completely. Then came Grade 8, which for many people, can be terrible, but for me, it was even worse. Sure, I wasn't getting bullied by my classmates, I never had time to. I was too busy being harassed by a new teacher. This teacher was sexist, abusive (emotionally and physically), cocky, and really had it out for me. And not a single student in the entire building, nor a single parent of any child, disagreed with me on that. This teacher has had children's aid, the school board, and the police all called on him, by all the parents, and all the students, and nothing happened. But, what did he do specifically to me? He put me in the weightroom, and about once a month gave me a day's worth of work to do. That's how I spent Grade 8 from September to the first of may. Alone, and failing. We moved to a medium sized city, on May 1st, and I got started into a new school. It was a pretty nice community, fairly nice teachers (my home room one was lazy... but that meant easy grades for me!) and good classmates. Passed with honors, was getting along with people, seemed my life might be turning around... even though I hadn't developed social skills really yet. Then high school started, and this, is where it all went to hell. I had gone from a small school in the north, where high school and elementary school were in one building, and together only had about 70 people, to a high school with over 1000 people. It was overwhelming. I was in advanced for all classes. I could handle the work, but I couldn't handle the new environment, and soon, I snapped. I started skipping a few classes, and just going to the public library and reading, and eventually, I gave up on school all together. And this is where my homelife, went to hell. My mother and I, we just couldn't stand each other. Not because of the time spent together, but because our personalities just couldn't seem to work. There was a lot of drama between us, and I decided I was finally gonna open up to her, and tell her everything I was feeling, why I was doing what I was doing. I just wanted her help, and for her to understand. What did she do? She literally laughed at me. She laughed me down at my most weak, and naked moment i've ever had. And that just, destroyed me. At that point, I completely shut down my emotions entirely, until recently, when one person, one wonderful guy, helped me see who I was. But... that's another story. I applied for this program, that helps teens get started in the work life. I was denied. My mother suggested online schooling for me, I said I was interested, but I knew too little about it, and didn't know what I had to do, and she refused to help me, even though I asked. I really need to get out of this house, and with a good friend, or someone who can help me, cuz god damn it, I need it. I can't do anything in this house, I can't get my life back on track. And honestly, I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know where to go, and I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm sorry for this giant wall of text, I really just want you to understand my situation, and i kinda just needed to let it out. And no, I don't have family to stay with, or friends. I'm... alone. :tears:
Sounds like you are dealing with some rough stuff. It sucks, been there. Sometimes you just need someone to light a fire under you ass. That is what your Mom is doing. I'm going to pour a little bit of gas on it. There is a lot of stuff in life that just plain sucks. New schools, asshole teachers, illness, death and so on. You have two choices. You can let them beat you down and ruin you life. Or you can grab your balls, them em to fuck off and fucking do something about. So don't wait for your Mom to help you with the online school. Go look it up yourself and get the information you need to register and go register. Need a friend. Go where people your age hang out and make a fucking friend.
Ok, right, my mom is being very helpful, calling me an asshole constantly, telling me to fuck off, laughing at me when I try to tell her what's going on in my life, and that I need some support.... I came here because I thought you people were supposed to be supportive and helpful. YOU, were just a jerk to me.
Yes I did take the gloves off and was rough with you. You know why. Because I could see that you have right stuff and that you can handle it. You just proved it right there. A lot of people would have just sulked away, but you didn't. You stood up to me. Bravo man. That is the first step of taking control of YOUR life. You should be proud of yourself. I know I am proud of you. Now when you talk to your mom, how does the conversation go? Is real emotionally charged? I suspect so. I also suspect that she has quite a bit of stress in her life, especially since she is a single mother. She just may not have the capability to deal with an emotionally changed sitution right now. Which is why she is pushing you to deal with it yourself. Have you sat down with your mother and calmly discussed your relationship. Empathize with her, tell her that it hurts you when she talks to you like that. Ask her what changed and why she talks to you like that. It will be a tough conversation and some of her criticisms will sting a bit. Stay claim and don't get upset. As her emotions will mirror yours. In short you have to be the adult in the situation and you have shown that you can do it. I will reiterate go out and make some real life friends. Everyone needs friends. Just be yourself. You seem like a great guy, you should be able to make friends easily.
I've tried explaining to her in a stressed situation, i tried explaining in a not stressed one, and she continues to go off the hook about it, and laugh at me when I try to open up to her. And if I ask her to calm down, and that i'm being serious, she freaks out on me, and says I can't tell her to calm down, because she's the parent, and i've got no right to talk to her like that, and she'll refuse to listen to anything I try to say. And i've tried to make new friends off the interwebs, but I just don't have the ability to anymore. I haven't been myself, happy, since I was 7. That was 9 years ago. And I honestly am lost for words when I meet new people now. I just, don't have anything to say, no thoughts to contribute. I used to be a hyper kid, with a great go-to attitude, even when it came to chores and such. Then I became a bruised and beaten kid, and now i'm a pathetic teenager. I want to be normal again. I want to get my life back to normal. But wanting and doing are two different things, and honestly, I don't have it in me. I've tried, not much, but as much as I could. It wasn't enough. Which is why i'm asking for advice on how to get through this, to continue my life.
Hey man, first of all I'm really really sorry to hear about this stuff going on with you. I know what you're going through. When I came out to my mom I was at one of the lowest points in my life and had told her how I had struggled with suicidal thoughts and that I had gone through addiciton issues with drugs/alcohol and I told her I needed her as mom because I was going through a rough patch. Her first response was to laugh at what I talked about. We talked for a while and got through some stuff, but in the end all I wanted was a hug and to be told she still loved me-it didnt happen. Now, I was lucky because I dont live at home-I empathize with your situation. I'm not going to tell you to just suck it up. What I do want to do is help you-you came to this site with the right expectations and thats what we are all here for-help and support. I think my best advice is to start with yourself. What sucks the most is when your feeling down about yourself/or your situation and nobody else is there for you. What about you? Are you comfortable with yourself? Proud of yourself? You should be. What you have done and dealt with takes tremendous courage and you should pat yourself on the back! Work on feeling good about yourself-to hell with with what other people say or do to you-walk with your head held high physically and emotionally if you can. Even if you only feel that way for an hour a day, if you can do it a little each day, it will turn into how you feel all the time. That worked for me-having pride in myself no matter what everyone else thought. Also, your now in a small town. Just remember, there is at least 1 person there who can empathize with you and be freinds with you-the challenge is finding that person. Its hard, but you have to put yourself out there a little bit-try and get to know more people. Sometimes the best freinds are the ones you would never expect to be freinds with you, and then they turn out to be your best advocates. I hope this helps a little bit-and I'm really sorry your dealing with this. Just know your a great person, and think about the future-there is good to come. Give yourself a pat on the back, take a deap breath and know we are all pulling for you.
I'm sorry for all the things you had to go through (*hug*). Maybe start by trying to take a step back and a deep breath. You can't work on all the problems you have at the same time or you're going to drown yourself. It would probably be best to define what are your priorities. So, what seem for you the most important issue at the moment ? Is it for you to go back to school ? To find a job ? To move out from home ? To find support about being gay ? Maybe it would help to do a list of the things you'd like to change and then to start to work with the issue that's on top of the list. As for your relationship with your mother, it seems you're at a point that you can't communicate on serious matters without being aggressive to each other. I'm sure you're mom is suffering from this just as much as you do. Maybe the best thing for now would be to take a step back and try to let things cool off for a while. Make sure you're nice and polite with her. Talk without screaming. Do some stuff to help around the house without being asked for. When you feel you're on edge and that you could easily get angry, try to leave the room as quietly as possible and go calm down somewhere else. This can takes a few weeks, but when your mother will realize you're actually making efforts to improve and make life easier for her, communicating with her about your issues will be easier and she might be in a better state of mind to take your feelings in account. I hope this can help a little. Take care, Cécile
What was it with your latest school environment that made you snap? Was it the coldness of the large student population? Would you consider returning to school this spring, reintroducing yourself to courses, and setting yourself up for just graduating a semester (perhaps more) later? An education is something that adds tremendous value to a life, and I'd hate to see you lose out on continuing one because of unfortunate situations. Please, please, please take another stab at the public education you have available to you - but this time try for a different strategy in approaching and dealing with the situation. If you can say more about what made the situation fall to pieces previously, perhaps we can help give ideas or suggestions on new strategies. Happy New Year BubbleyBubbles, I believe that you can make this one huge and turn things around. By the way, here's a trailer to the movie I Killed My Mother (Jai Tue Ma Mere) by Xavier Dolans. I watched it a few months ago and since then I've wanted my mother to be able to sit down and watch it through, knowing that as soon as she does there will be an instant respect to understanding on another's views, positions, and ideas and giving each their chance to talk. The film is wonderful in identifying the relationship between mother and son, and I'd highly recommend it for you if you can get your hands on it. Also, try to get your mom to watch it too if you think it could help. [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BgCqY3cE-VM[/YOUTUBE]
Sounds like you have what I call beat puppy syndrome. I've been there. It sucks. After getting beat down for so long you just get tired of dealing with it. Then it can take everything you have just to get your ass out of bed in the morning. Getting out of that position is hard. Don't focus on the big problems. Focus on the small victories. They'll eventually build on top of each other. Something is bothering your mom. It does sound like your relationship with her is important to you and that it is something you want to fix. You might try not discussing your problems. While eating dinner ask her about her day, talk about a TV show she likes, or maybe a vacation she wants to take. Try to keep the conversation positive, and show that you care about her. It will take time, and initially a lot of the bad stuff will be there. Over time you'll rebuild a the foundation of your relationship and you can talk about the problems. As for making friends, that initial step can be hard. A trick I use. I to try and say something within the first five seconds of meeting someone. I usually try to start the conversation about the environment. If they have a skateboard, ask how they like the skateboard, or that you used to have one. If nothing else say "What do you think of this weather". It may sound cheesy, and that is kind of the point. It is just as awkward for them, so it kind of lightens the situation by showing you are in the same boat.
bubbley, don't give up hope yet. The info and tips given to you by the OP is some really good advice. We ALL do care for you and hope that something said can help you over the bad parts.
