It's been a few months since I've been on here, and even longer since I've been regularly active. This site was a huge source of insight and help to me at one point and if it was once than I'm hoping it could be again as I'm really starting to question and crumble here. To know me you would know I love helping people. If someone is sad or as any general problem or something wrong with their relationship I am more than happy sitting down and talking to them about it and trying to fix the situation. However, I'm starting to think while I actually may be "helpful" it may be a bit of a coping mechanism for to hide behind as I NEVER share my provblems with ANYONE. Ever. Thing is I think I'm starting to resent everyone else I love and know because of this. I use to be so self-depricating. Mainly because of my appearance, also for being so different as I knew I was gay. In time I grew up a lot and I started this whole self-love, I don't give a damn what anyone thinks of me time in my life going on 5 years now. I'm still very much a believer in being who I am and loving Myself... but lately it's getting to a point where I'm starting to back pedal almost and I'm sooooo scared of losing everything I've worked so hard for. I've always had a lot on my plate so to speak. Major problems with my mother who I'm almost to the point of cutting out of my life. On the fence about my father who I really have no emotion toward. Not getting to see my brother and sister who I love more than anyone because they are in foster care and I'm not allowed to see because of our mother. The list could easily go on and in much more detail but I'll spare you. Through all of that the worst part is how I feel about Myself. As I said my appearance is not convential in the least and while I accept it and truly love Myself it's not where near enough. My best friend makes me feel even worse though unintentionally, she has never not had a boyfriend - I've never even had one. Or anyone interested for that matter making me feel worse. I see all my friends getting engaged, married, and having kids and it kills me.. even just having a partner would make my life so much simpler and happier. It just hurts. The worst part is I try to stay optimistic and believe I could find someone but I just don't know anymore. It's getting to the point where when I go out or am with friends and there are couples I almost just lost it and want to do nothing but cry. My problems aren't trivial, they are so much bigger I dont know who to turn to or what to do anymore. I don't know what I'm looking for posting this, but it just feels good laying it all out for once.
I think it's great that you launched into self-love. Because I've always found that enjoying yourself and enjoying your company is always conducive to others enjoying our company, too. As far as being without a boyfriend, well, I didn't have one until I turned 26. So I know what it's like, especially when other friends seemed to find new ones on the way home from dumping their previous one. My only advice to you (as somebody else who is "differently attractive") is to take your time. You probably don't attracting guys from across the room. I never did, either. But I kept social, kept talking to people, kept my options open. And as people got to know me better, some guys were intrigued enough to want to date me. Not a lot of guys, but enough. I couldn't wow them with my looks (which aren't much to speak of), so I had to give them time to let my personality really come across. And that's what eventually attracted them. I think that's something that might work with you, as well. And don't ever feel you have to put a brave face on in front of your friends. They're not friends with you because "he never burdens me with his problems". Friends help out each other, even just by listening. It's part of the gig. Lex
Looks might help you GET a boyfriend. Your personality and heart will help you KEEP him. So don't worry about not having one right now or not having loads of guys hitting on you at all times. Your time will come. Would you rather be a pretty face and nothing more? An empty shell? I don't think so. Also, having an appearance that is "not conventional" doesn't mean that you are not handsome. For someone, you will eventually be the most handsome husband that there can ever be. Listen to Lex, keep on being social, keep your options open. Enjoy your life and someone will come along. That's what I do anyway And share your feelings and problems. Either with your friends, people here at EC or start a blog. If anything, writing things down will give you a clearer view upon your life and what's going on.
First of all: welcome back and (*hug*) To me, it looks like you're stuck in a toxic situation. If you're on the verge of cutting your mom out, and your further association with her is causing you to be unable to see your brother and sister... then you might want to look into taking more distance, living your own life, and connecting to people who aren't causing you to feel unhappy. That doesn't mean you need to drop everything right now, but it might involve making plans, finding your own place and gaining as much independence as possible. Since you don't tell too much about your home situation, it's hard to make concrete suggestions, but you get the idea. Secondly, never be afraid to ask your friends for some support. Sometimes you're the friend that cracks the jokes, the other time you're the one that complains about how your life isn't all you want it to be. I'm sure your friends to that too, and you're entitled to do so every so often as well! If you never open up, they're never going to be able to help, even if helping is just lending a shoulder. And, obviously, if no friends are around, always feel free to let it out here! We're here to listen too! I'm pretty sure that, with time, there's someone out there for all of us (in fact, multiple ones might fit the bill, so you're bound to meet one of them sometimes). You just haven't met the right person yet. Keep meeting people, keep hanging out, and don't feel pressured to get into a relationship. And never believe that a boyfriend would fix things and make you happy without drawbacks. Relationships come with their own amount of doubts and problems (in fact, if your best friend switched boyfriends a couple of times, I'm not sure relationships solve all her problems either!), and are better faced with someone who you really like, rather than with someone you just picked up to fill a boyfriend-shaped void. When you meet someone, you'll quickly forget the times you felt bad, and the wait will have been worth it!
