1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Confused after date

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mugwump, Jan 5, 2011.

  1. Mugwump

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2009
    Messages:
    241
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    Hi guys,

    I just went on what I suppose was a date... I met up with a girl I had been talking to online. We had coffee, then we went back to my place, then we went out for dinner, then we went back to my place again... Lol and then she wouldn't leave! We spent 5 hours together. We got on well and had lots to talk about. I'm just confused because I wonder... Are you supposed to have some sort of 'spark' if it is to turn into a relationship? Are you supposed to like them a lot and want to kiss them on the first date? Because I didn't really feel like that, and I didn't really feel that comfy. But she was nice. I dunno... How am I supposed to feel?! I suppose I kinda feel a bit bad and worried now because I'm not sure how I feel or what I want. She certainly seemed keen to meet up again.
     
  2. maverick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Messages:
    1,643
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alabama *cue banjos*
    Did she act like she wanted to make out/have sex? Because that's certainly what it sounded like from your description. :lol:
     
  3. LostandFound

    LostandFound Guest

    Do you want to get to know her better? If you do then hang out again, if you don't then that's alright. Sometimes there is no connection, that's the way it is, you won't feel a spark with every girl but you'll probably know it when it's there. Just let her know that you don't think a relationship would work. Make sure you say it explicitly but kindly so she doesn't think there is a chance.
     
  4. foofighter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2010
    Messages:
    53
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Georgia
    I would give her another shot if you think there's a slight possibility things could get better. I felt the same way after my first date with my current boyfriend. There was just no spark and it didn't go very well. Now we are very happy and we laugh about how bad our first date went.
     
  5. Miyaga

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2010
    Messages:
    0
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    I would agree with foofighter, give her another chance. It could have been nerves that got in the way of the spark, also first dates can be a little weird. This time around meet up somewhere. Dinner or a movie, when other people are around I tend to feel less nervous on dates, this may work for you as well.

    Hope it works out (*hug*)
     
  6. maverick

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2010
    Messages:
    1,643
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Alabama *cue banjos*
    First dates around domestic/sleeping areas are always weird to me. I really don't expect to be asked back to hang out at someone's house unless we're gonna get down...

    I'd give her another shot, just keep it on neutral territory.
     
  7. Mugwump

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 24, 2009
    Messages:
    241
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    Thanks guys. Yeah I will definitely see her again, I'm just not sure where I want it to go, or where she wants it to go. Never having had a relationship before it's kinda harder to know I think. I am now concerned are having read the messages above that maybe she was expecting something different to me. Like, I hope I didn't give her an "I'm not interested" vibe. I am not big on physical contact and would certainly never initiate anything like that. When she was going to leave (the first time) she asked me what we we're supposed to do in this situation, eg hug. So we hugged. I dunno what I was meant to do. How do you tell if someone wants more... And how do you express to them that your okay with that without actually doing it?
     
  8. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,698
    Likes Received:
    3,722
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey I think its best just to be open and honest, say to her you enjoy her company and want to see her again, you can take it steady tell her your quite shy and new to this. I wouldnt neccessarily worry that there wasnt a spark, when you are really nervous and a shy kind of person sometimes I think you can be too worried and nervous to feel too much of a spark. I think best if you see her a few more times even if they are only short meetings, become more comfortable around her and then see how it feels.
     
  9. Agi

    Agi
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 5, 2012
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Hi Guys,

    This is a woman writing, herself being confused after a first date... I am grateful to read your posts and learning that some of you ARE willing to try again!

    I went on a date couple of days ago, I've met him first briefly at a social event and exchanged tel numbers, I found him very interesting and... potentially important. Really wanted to meet him to get to know him better. So our date was very nice, however now after reading 'dating advises' I understand that he was trying to 'assess' if I was sexually attracted to him or not. This was only a part of our evening and the rest was awesome, a laugh and a good conversation. But now and again he wanted to touch me, joking about sex etc. I was laughing but was not active in this matter at all and I wasnt prepared for that! First I felt a pressure that I SHOULD have known after the:kiss: first date if I wanted to have sex with him or not but I STILL DONT, but here is why:

    Remember that woman's sexuality is within her brain. I really need to know a man better in order to feel a spark! He needs to impress me somehow, and how can he impress me in a bar, just talking? There is a huge potential I know when I think about him the way I wish him to be, but I still dont know if he is that person or not! So please dont blame us if we feel confused and dont feel confused if it was weird on a first date! If you want to know her better, just keep meeting her until you are certain this way or another. If you dont want to take this effort, then dont, but understand that we are different! :kiss:
     
  10. TyRawr

    Board Member Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2011
    Messages:
    605
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Fair Oaks CA
    Silverhalo always has great advice. My words exactly, you should be open with her and just express there was no spark when you met. Ive been on dates like that, and I have been in the uncomfortable position of telling my date that I didnt really feel a connection to them, but its nice to wait for someone you do have an instant connection with, trust me :wink:. You dont have to be making out with them by the first date, and in bed with them by the third, but it is nice to have have doubts, and feel really infatuated.

    Hang in there,
     
  11. WhatLiesAhead

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2011
    Messages:
    24
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    Northeast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I know this is an older thread but I had a somewhat similar experience recently. I just started coming out in the fall and am taking it slowly; working on building up my comfort with myself and be open to a new way of life. I recently went on my first date and all in all, it went well. He was a nice, genuine guy and we had a lot in common. However, I just didn’t feel like there was that spark there. He’s a bit older than me and I think subconsciously that bothers me and probably is playing into my feelings… but I cant help how I feel, right? Is age really just a number? Doesn’t feel like it’s just a number to me. On top of that, I’m still trying to put aside some very strong feelings I developed for a close friend of mine (who of course is straight). I hate to think that I’m always going to compare everyone I date to him and am really trying hard to not let that get in the way. Instead of looking for someone with his exact qualities, I’m just looking for someone who makes me feel the way he does – the way it happens is irrelevant. Ultimately, after two dates, I didn’t feel like this guy was doing it for me. Lastly, I’m also still really early in my process of coming out and being fully comfortable with things… like just being out while out and about. Admittedly, even that felt awkward right now and it’s going to take time before that changes. I don’t even know if I’m ready to begin dating… I’m just so desperate to get over my friend and thought this was the best way.

    I feel really bad though because I know he feels differently; I know he felt like there was something there. He feels like it’s a waste not to try to see where things go considering how much we have in common in terms of interests, values, etc... but I just don’t think the way I feel will change and see no point to drawing it out, for his sake and for him. The degree of interests like we have may be uncommon but it still isn’t all that matters. Not really sure what to do now but I think I have to go with my gut and follow through with ending things now.