I went on a date last night with a guy and the whole date went very well. After a nice restaurant, we went to my place to watch some TV and then go to sleep. We did not do any sexual activities--but we were both restraining ourselves, lol. At dinner, my date informed me that he is HIV positive. This was a shock to my system and I almost passed out. Keep in mind this was my first date with a guy ever. We spent the night cuddling and softly making out and I enjoyed every moment holding him. I barely got any sleep because it was so thrilling for me. I see no reason why I would have HIV. So, I am trying to decide how I feel about this and if this should bother me. At first I felt like it wasn't a big deal, but as I think about it more it seems like I am just asking for trouble. I don't think unprotected sex is ever okay. Plus, a typical guy could simply be unaware or outright lying about his infection. This guy was shockingly amazing to me. There are so many great traits that I love and the few that I'm not a fan of really seem to be softened. Unfortunately, this is my first potential relationship with a guy so I feel pulled in just because it's so new. My favorite activity of the night was cuddling on the couch and in bed. This really took my breath away and was highly exhilarating. So I wonder if I could remain good friends, but without the sex. Or have safer sex only. Boil this down for me...I don't want to get HIV. Am I being very stupid for even considering staying with him? What about other relationships that I will be getting into where people might not be honest? This guy seems to have been through a lot in his life and has resolved to be fully honest. Thanks!
Dating someone with HIV isn't a big deal.... not dating him just because he has HIV is making it a big deal. What you need to do is to be extra careful. Usually these people feel bad because they're discriminated from jobs, or their family or friends, and they would not like someone dumping them or just closing their doors to them because they have HIV. At this point in history, you won't get infected if you two are intelligent. Always, always, always use protection, even when doing oral. Always. Also you can get tested every six months to a year to be sure. Make sure you don't share any personal items like nail clippers and toothbrushes. Also make sure you refrain from kissing if any of you have any open wounds in your mouths. These things might be a big hassle at first but at the end it comes down to basic-to-medium hygiene. Please don't close your mind to a great guy because he's HIV positive. Just because he is HIV positive doesn't mean you will be.
I think you need to just follow these words: You need to decide which is more important. His HIV status, or how you feel about him.
Because he told you right off the bat, he seems like a really responsible guy. Just make sure you inform yourself. Know exactly what to do to have safe sex and where you can go if things go wrong. Learn about PEP (post exposure prophylaxis). PEP is a drug you can take to greatly reduce your chances of becoming HIV positive if something goes wrong (ie. the condom breaks). It's not a cure for HIV and it isn't 100% but if taken immediately after the event it can go a long way to helping prevent you getting HIV (the sooner it's taken, the better it works). You have to take it for a month. In some countries they can offer you a package of PEP to keep at home with you if you're dating someone known to have HIV so you can take it immediately if something goes wrong. Otherwise you can get it at an Emergency, A&E department or sexual health clinic. Why not go to a sexual health clinic together so you can learn more? You tell him directly something like "I really like you and I want to get to know you better but I don't really know anything about HIV and would like to know more, would you go a sexual health clinic with me".
Well there are two thoughts here: First, it's a wise idea to treat *any* sexual experience with the idea that the other person might be HIV+. Not everyone will be honest and tell you if they are hiv+, and actually, quite a few HIV+ people don't ever disclose their status, either because they are embarrassed, they are angry, or for many other reasons. (It's illegal in most states to have sex if you are HIV+ without revealing your status, but it's rarely enforced.) So, as you've already stated that you are committed to safer sex, that's a good first step. But the second issue is really honestly thinking about this in your heart. Committing to a serious relationship with someone who is HIV+ will mean that there is always more risk of infection to you than if you are having sex with someone who is not HIV+ or even with multiple partners (being safe) where their status is unknown, simply because you will have less chance for accidents or other exposures. It's always easy to say "Oh, it really won't be that big a deal if I become HIV+", and it seems an awful lot of people seem to feel this way, but that simply isn't true. It's a permanent, life-changing event that involves constant drug regimens for life, frequent bouts of nausea (from the drugs), limitations on activities and drug and alcohol consumption, and various other things. Now... that certainly isn't to say that by entering into a serious relationship with someone with HIV that you will become infected with HIV, but the chances of it happening are going to be much higher, simply because, over time, accidents will happen, condoms can break, his semen can get in your eye (which is a transmission risk), or in a small cut on your hand or razor burn on your ass or... who knows what. And again, a single exposure to HIV does not guarantee that you will be infected, either, but it is a risk that you must at least consider. I think the choice of whether or not the relationship is worth the risk is one that only you can make. I am honestly not sure what I would do in that circumstance. But I do believe that you must very, very seriously consider the idea that your risk of exposure will be at least somewhat higher. For some people that alone is too big a risk. But for others... it's a risk worth taking. For what it's worth, most of the above has come from lengthy communications I've had with a couple of friends of mine who are HIV+ and have talked about the conversations they have had with potential sexual partners.
You should ALWAYS have safe sex unless you have went down to a STD clinic and gotten tested with someone, and got the results back negative. Period. Personally, I don't know if I could be with someone sexually who was HIV+. I don't have any problem hanging out socially with people who are, I just don't know if I would be willing to take the risk of being infected with it by having sex. I hate doctors and I would loathe being forced to undergo medical procedures the rest of my life. So I am very careful in bed, and if I found out someone I met at a club (let's say) was positive, I probably wouldn't sleep with them. However, if I started dating someone and developed feelings for them, only to have them tell me they were positive before we decided to sleep together, I'd be torn about it. Part of me would be pissed that they didn't tell me from the get-go, but part of me understands that like transgenderism, HIV is a difficult subject to broach with potential sexual partners...
In general I don't see the problem with dating someone who is HIV+. So long as you take any extra precautions (like those some others have mentioned above) you need to on top of the normal precautions that you would take. In terms of you specifically I think that you need to take some time to think seriously and be honest with yourself (which it seems that you are already doing with creating this thread.) It would be unfair on you and on him if you didn't seriously think about, and decide whether you are willing and or able to be in a relationship with someone who is HIV+.
I do have strong feelings for him and I think he has the same for me. Granted, this is my first gay relationship ever so some of it might be infatuation or whatever. I'll keep meeting other guys and see what else I find.
I've never dated anyone HIV+, but I have a couple friends who are. I asked one of them what sorts of things are important to do or keep in mind. He said "The fact that they're still willing to date someone HIV+ is the biggest step. After that, it comes down to safety and communication." Both my friends are in LTRs with HIV- partners. Lex
Well it was only your first date.... if he's HIV+ I would refrain from rushing into things like sex. I would wait to make sure you really like him before you decide whether or not he, especially, is worth putting yourself at a greater risk for. And, you don't know yet. It's been one date.
Two of my friends are a couple, one of whom has HIV. They've been together for at least four years. The HIV- partner hasn't seroconverted yet, and they engage in (protected) penetrative anal sex with the HIV+ partner frequently topping. Which is to say, it's perfectly possible to date and have sex with an HIV+ person without contracting HIV. As long as you use condoms every time, you've got almost nothing to worry about.
Well, I don't know anyone who's HIV+, so I'll refrain from commenting on that part. the others have all brought up good points, though! But what you say above is a very important point. This was a first date. You've seen the guy for... how many hours? It's flat-out impossible to say what your feelings for him are. Apparently there is some attraction, you got along well at first, and he has proven to be an honest guy (and sharing that sort of information can make you feel closer than you really are). But it pays to look beyond first impressions and see if you still get along days, weeks and months for now, before you decide that this is a relationship after one night of cuddling. So definitely: take our time, keep talking, but there's all the time in the world to decide where you stand on this!
