Could definitely use some support...

Okay, so I think I'll start with some backstory. Growing up, as I'm sure every last one of you is very aware, the image we are fed over and over is that as we get older, we start to become attracted to the opposite sex, that we will start having girl- or boyfriends as teenagers, and that ultimately we will have a husband or a wife, kids, a house, dog, bird, etc. And as a kid, that appealed to me and I looked forward to it. That idea of settling down with a woman I love and having children of my own. And then of course it all sort of went haywire. Throughout elementary school, I always identified more with the girls than the boys. Most of my friends were girls, though I did have a few very close male friends. I remember crying in bed and telling my mom that I was supposed to come out a girl, but something must have gone wrong. I wasn't particularly "girly" in the stereotypical sense, but I knew I wasn't "normal," and that was hard. For the time being, I took to heart my parents' words that the girls and the boys would start mixing as I got older. After fifth grade, my family moved to a new state and I had this fantasy that I would be "normal" at my new school (something that definitely never panned out).
As I approached middle school, I started noticing boys. Not really getting turned on or anything (at least not yet), but just noticing. I thought at the time that I was just jealous of these guys. I wanted to have interesting hair and to be muscular and to like playing sports. It didn't really occur to me that I was attracted to them until a few years later, nor did it register that I was 14 and still had not had any feelings about girls.
I transferred to a different district for high school, partly for the advantage of diversity and partly to escape the suffocating and sycophantic school spirit in the district my middle school was part of, and again I hoped to reinvent myself. This time I think I was a little more successful than I had been in sixth grade. I joined the drama department less than a week into my freshman year, and that really was my home and my second family for the rest of high school. I finally felt like there was a critical mass of people who truly, honestly liked me as a person. But I still had no feelings toward my female classmates, and, even worse (in my mind), it was getting harder and harder to deny that I was legitimately attracted to men, especially now that my own body was maturing. Toward the end of high school, I started getting defensive - telling people I had crushes on certain people, acting as "straight" as possible, even downright denying I was gay. Probably midway through my senior year, I started coming to terms with the fact that I am homosexual and there is nothing I can do about it, and that I am going to have to give up that dream I've had my entire life of settling down with a wife and kids. I'm still in that process, I think.
Of course I have no problems with homosexuality at all, and in fact I honestly tend to think gay guys can be a lot more fun and interesting than straight guys, but I hate hate hate that I am gay (so I guess I'm living proof that it isn't a choice). I think I'll get over that some day, but right now, it just feels oppressive. I feel like I'm trying to survive in a world that was made for someone else, like I have some kind of disability. Recently, I've even started getting annoyed at movies and TV shows and books that depict men falling in love with women because it's completely the opposite of what I've experienced in my life.
So now I'm a freshman in college. Mid-November, I came out to a counselor in the counseling center, and I felt really weird for the rest of the day, like I'd done something bad that I couldn't undo. She was amazing about it of course, that being her job, and I've been back to see her a few times since. Since then, though, I think I've been accepting it more and more as a part of me and it's getting harder to keep it to myself. And then last night, after watching a movie with some friends, I found myself alone in a (female) friend's room and poor, tired little brain decided that I couldn't let myself leave until I had come out to her. So after talking for about half an hour, trying to find a way to bring it up and simultaneously worming my way out of every chance I got to tell her, I finally forced myself and said, "Can I tell you something?" And she said yeah, so I said, "I don't really know how to say this but I am coming out to you right now... So... now I'm out..." And she was wonderful and kind and supportive, but I realized what I really wanted more than anything in the world was for this to not be a big deal and that by phrasing it the way I had and given the situation and everything, I had created a big freaking deal. Walking back to my dorm last night, I just thought over and over and over "what did you just do why did you just do that you shouldn't have just done that why did you do that why why why why why" and I slept terribly and today I've just felt awful all day. I made an appointment with my counselor, but it isn't until Monday, so I came here thinking maybe I would find stories similar to mine, but most of the stories on here describe a high after coming out, and I don't feel anything like that.
I don't really know what to think about all this. I'm not worried people won't like me or will think of me differently, because I have amazing friends, and I'm even less worried about my parents' reactions. My mom's youngest sister is lesbian, so she's kind of been through this before. My dad is a Lutheran pastor, but my family has always and will always believe (as do most Lutherans, I think) that God has just as much love for me and every other LGBTQ person as anyone else in the world and that it has absolutely no bearing on a person's character and that to think otherwise is demeaning and cruel. So I'm not worried about being disowned or whatever. What I'm more concerned about, I think, is that once I'm out, that's it, there's no going back. I'm gay period. And I know that staying in the closet doesn't make my homosexuality any less permanent, but I mean I like who I am right now and coming out would be (will be) a gargantuan change in my life that I wouldn't (won't) ever be able to take back. And I think it's understandable that that's a frightening concept for me.

So here I am. God, it helps so much just to have written that down. I'm just feeling really shaken up by this whole thing today, but let me make it very clear that I am absolutely, positively NOT a suicide risk and that I have no intention or desire to ever, ever harm myself in any way. I'm safe. I will probably go through a lot of this with my counselor on Monday, but I'm really interested in what you have to say, since you, unlike she, have gone through this. Thanks for any responses.

 

I don't hate myself, definitely not. By and large, I'm really happy with who I am. I don't know if I really do even hate being gay, at least not all the time. I think what I hate is getting loads of attention (I'm super super introverted), and homosexuality is something that, unfortunately, our society has decided is a big, big, big deviation from the norm. So I think that's what I hate. The idea of being so conspicuous. Of course I know rationally that it doesn't have to mean that at all, but that's what my brain wants me to think, I guess, haha.

 

Thanks so much for all the feedback, guys. It really has helped. I feel better today. Still a little weird, but it's a big step forward from yesterday. Now I've had more time to collect my thoughts I think wallrose is right. I'm fine with being gay, I just wish it didn't come with all these strings.
So there are a few things still bothering me.
First of all, and this is the thing that keeps eating at me, I feel really weird about having told this girl specifically. I mean we are really good friends, but I just met her a couple months ago. It's not like we've known each other for years and I feel like I can tell her anything. But I did tell her this and she's the only one who knows and I feel like I started with the wrong person. I'm terrified I'm going to end up alone with her again and I just feel awkward whenever I see her. I think the relationship would mend itself if I came out to everyone else, but I don't really know how or when to do that.
I have a high school friend who came out probably three or four months ago, and it really surprised me. He was the kind of guy you would never in a million years expect to be gay. So after learning that, I think I thought that I can do it if he can, and I still think that. And the great thing is that it sounds like it wasn't a big deal for him. Like he just decided he was going to be honest about it. I would love to just do that, but like I say, I don't exactly know how.
However it happens, I want my parents to know first. I've had two phone conversations with them since coming out to the girl on Wednesday, and both times I've felt like I was betraying them or hiding something (which of course I kind of am). I'm thinking about writing a letter. I don't think I could stand to do it over the phone. I can never get words right.
And then there are my roommates. I have absolutely no idea what to do about them. I have two of them and, as they have to live with me, I think it goes without saying that the dynamic is very different with them than with my other friends. Any recommendations there? None of us is very talkative and I don't think either of them will mind at all. Would it be weird to do a quick Facebook status or something and just assume they'll read it or am I actually going to have to sit down and talk to them about it?
And as far as everyone else, I don't even know how vocal I need to be about it to be considered "out." I'm sure as hell not going to go around and tell everyone individually. Is it "polite" or whatever to do it as a Facebook status? Like "I've been thinking about this for a while and I've decided I need to be honest with myself and all my friends: I'm gay." Tell me what you think.

Thanks!