Up until now my life has been going along what I could consider decent. Until today anyways. This morning there was a huge fight. Long story short, my phone's alarm didn't go off and I overslept causing me to miss the bus for school. Mom was mad but ended it by saying it's still my fault and I couldn't stay up past 9 on the computer anymore. Her bf though wanted to take things further. He started a whole argument screaming/cursing at me and since lately he's really been pushing my buttons more often, I finally called him on it asking as politely as possible if he would drop it since my mom had already settled everything and it was really just a situation involving me and her and he was pretty much overstepping his boundaries because he isn't my father. My mom had been pretending to do stuff around their room while listening to everything the entire time and instantly snapped at me with, "Watch your ******* mouth." Her bf raged and ended with saying, "Pack your **** and get the **** out my house." Neither one of their names are on the documents for the apartment, they used a fake name. My mom did nothing to try to stop him so I packed my stuff. After bagging up everything my mom finally decided to speak up saying I shouldn't leave and after I responded with what does she think I should do then another argument started ending with her saying in so many words that she chooses him over me. After hearing that I grabbed my sweater and left in tears. Ended up walking around for about 6 hours until my phone died and I went to get my phone charger. All of my stuff had been placed outside the door so I grabbed the charger and left. My mom had called my grandma (her mom) and told her everything. Grams called me and since she knows how my mom is and about her bf she completely had my side and called my mom begging her to let me stay another night until she has a way out here tomorrow. My mom replied with I could've stayed when I got the charger and no one would've yelled or anything if I did. Got back home and after less than 5 minutes there her bf began screaming and cursing at me again saying I'm not **** and I'll never be ****, called me pretty much every bad name you can call someone, then finally tired himself out and went to his room. Now I'm sitting here still crying and I just see no reason to continue living. I stood over a bridge today about 10 minutes from my house twice today just looking down and trying to push myself to jump but couldn't push myself to do it. My life is screwed. I can't stay here after tomorrow and if I go with my grandma I won't have a way to school, my grandma is already living in someone else's place, and I'll probably have to go on homeschooling. I'm already going to continuation thanks to my mom messing up my life over the past few years so I'm scared I might not even graduate if I have to go on homeschooling. If for whatever reason I end up not being able to go with my grandma I'm going to be homeless yet again in which case I probably will get that final push to jump. I can't go through that again. I see no reason to continue going. My school life is done for. Even if a miracle happens and I get into a junior/community college I have absolutely no way of paying for anything. I'm 17 with pretty much no home, no car, no job, and pretty much no family besides my grandma who really isn't in any position to help me seeing as how she's barely surviving on her own. I feel like just not living anymore. It'd be the fastest and easiest solution to everything but I fear dying. I've grown up around a Christian family and pretty much everyone knows what is believed to happen to a gay person when they die. That alone has made me afraid to even go to sleep for many years of my life and I often stay up past midnight and can normally never sleep more than 4-6 hours due to it. I want to confide in my grandma about it but that would require coming clean about being gay, and I keep thinking she's gonna view it from a religious standpoint by saying I have a "Gay demon/spirit" in me which will only make me feel worse.
I'm sorry this is all happening to you (*hug*) but you need to stay away from that bridge because there are countless reasons to keep on going. Yeah your home life sucks but I don't buy for an instant that your school life is finished. If you've got school tomorrow, talk to a counselor about options if you get kicked out of your house and can't be in the area anymore to attend in person. In the future, pretty much anybody can get into a community college in CA and it doesn't cost too much that a job won't easily cover. And at least by the way you write and express yourself, you are obviously intelligent so university scholarships and whatnot will be available to people in your circumstances. I know your situation is a lot more complicated than these little pieces of advice, but you've been strong before and I believe you just need to stay strong and know that once you get out of the toxic home (whether it's tomorrow or at the end of the school year) and thru high school, so much possibility will open up for you.
I cannot begin to explain how deeply I hope you don't jump. You are not any of the words that that vile man called you. I know that your life is horrible right now, but it will turn around. Like Oldies said, talk to a school counselor about living situations. They have a world of resoucres available to them. I have seen miracles work out in school with even the most underachieving students graduating and going to community college, which is NOT a bad thing. I know that you feel alone right now, but you have a community here that is willing and able to listen to you and help you. But you NEED to hang in there.(&&&)
Hey sweetheart (*hug*), I'm sorry, really really sorry that you're having to go through all this. I understand this must be very hard and scary, but please don't give up. Go to school tomorrow morning and immediatly go talk to your school counselor and tell them everything. They may have ideas on what your options are and what you can do if you're kicked out from home. Whatever is going to happened, your life is not over because of what your mother and her boyfriend are going to do. I'm not saying this is going to be easy, but you're only 17. No matter how bad things seems to be for you now, it doesn't mean that your life will be as bad in 1, 5 or 10 years. Just hold on until it gets better. If there is anything we can do to help you through this, let us know. (*hug*) (*hug*) Cécile
[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXU3RuX8eo[/YOUTUBE] Follow the advice above, and please don't jump. It's never as hopeless as it might seem, you really do just need to reach out to the resources available to you and the rest will follow. You're not as alone as you think you are, you just have to admit to people that you need help. Also, I suggest that you go to Youtube and watch the movie Homeless To Harvard. It's a true story about a girl who was raised in a flophouse by her drug addict mother and ended up on the streets with absolutely no money at her lowest point, but then ended up using state resources to complete her education and get a college degree.
Right, so Grandma's got your back eh? See if you can stay with her, and then bail the fuck out of that apartment. Don't let the toxicity of your mom's boyfriend take you down. Don't forget, you could always report them for getting the apartment in a fake name. That's kinda fraud, which is a felony. Next time your mom or her boyfriend flip their shit on you, it might be worth reminding them of that.
Idk, what to say. But I do know one thing to I must say to you, Don't end your life, that is one of the biggest mistakes you can ever make. There is no going back from it, once you make the decision... I have never been in your situation, so I cannot fully comprehend what you are going thru, but if you Ever need someone to talk to I will listen. best of luck and wishes.
Thanks for the support everyone. I spoke to my counselor today and told her everything and she was helpful in even finding two shelters I can go to in case things go bad again and really seemed to be there for me. Only thing is, I talked to my grandma about the homeschooling who then called my mom who then called the counselor and lied about every single thing while faking the sweetest voice she could. She said her bf didn't put me out, that neither of them raised their voices towards me, and that "kids are known to overexaggerate things". She even went as far as to come into my room acting like nothing ever happened yesterday asking about my classwork. I couldn't hear my counselor's responses but if she does buy the bs my mom told her, I don't know what I'll do. I'm not looking foward to Monday. If my counselor indeed does go for my mom's bs then that screws my homeschooling meaning if my mom does find a way to shut her bf up I'd still have to deal with being in a house where I honestly don't feel welcomed nor safe anymore. The only other option I can think of is suicide. It's not something I really want to do, but if it comes down to having to still be stuck in this position vs death, I'll by all means choose death.
Sweetheart, whatever is going to happen suicide is NOT an option. Becky always says that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and that's the best definition I've ever heard for this. Whatever is going to happen, not matter how bad things can be, this is only going to be temporary. You're 17, sooner or later you're going to move out from your mother's place. Whether it's going to be for living with your grand mother, living in a college, living on your own, you're going to move out. If it's not a matter of weeks, it's a matter of months. Please, please, don't throw away your entire life for something that will be over in a few months top. Hold on (*hug*) Cécile
If you really are worried about not being able to go to college or have enough money for anything else, You could always join the military after high school. They can help pay for college and stuff. Does not mean you would have to go into combat, depends what job you go for or what branch. You are 17 just another year or two and you will be on your own and will not have to worry about them anymore, there is absolutely no reason to kill yourself.
Counselors are trained to ferret out BS, so hopefully your counselor will have experience in these sorts of matters. But, even if the counselor's not of sufficient help, still start talking to your friends or your Grandma about a place to stay if things skid sideways at home again.
Update on everything so far: Mom met with the counselor today but I have no clue how it went. I wasn't called out of class for it and I'm not going to speak to my mom to ask her. I'd also rather stay away from the military. I just could never see myself joining any field. As for friends, I hate to say it but I don't have any. My mom has sheltered/forced me to stay home pretty much my entire life so I've never met anyone outside of the small crowd I hang out with at school, and even then we only talk to/see each other at school.
