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I just keep digging a deeper and deeper hole

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by spirocracy, Jan 7, 2011.

  1. spirocracy

    spirocracy Guest

    Uhhh, I kinda hate myself right now. I'm not out to my mom yet, and at dinner we somehow go onto talking about my clothes. She said something along the lines of all my t-shirts are kind of gay (because they are V necks and one is purple, so therefore they are all gay). And of course, I reacted like I was really insulted and defended myself. I'm just making it harder and harder for myself every time I do this, and I do that a lot. Uhhhh
     
  2. radiantdawn

    radiantdawn Guest

    Well, you say that you're unsure of your orientation in your user info.... I wouldn't worry about this if I were you. You still don't fully know what you are yourself, yet. And it IS hard to come out to people, ESPECIALLY the people that you're close to, because it might radically change their perspectives of you, though in reality you haven't changed at all, only revealed a different part of yourself. Don't worry about 'digging yourself a deeper hole'. You'll eventually find out who you are and you'll have the support of this forum society here, and I'm sure your parents as well =)
     
  3. spirocracy

    spirocracy Guest

    I actually need to update that. I'm definitely gay. When I joined this site I was too scared to even put gay on an anonymous forum so I put not sure. :\
     
  4. radiantdawn

    radiantdawn Guest

    Oh, I see =/ Well, ok. It's still fine imo. It is still difficult to come out, cause there's always that chance that people might not be so accepting. Do you think your mom would accept you, even after a period of time? If I knew some more details, I could give better advice >_< But what I can say for now is that you shouldn't feel bad about not telling your mom yet. You're probably not ready to right now, and that's perfectly fine. The best time to tell someone is when you know you're ready.
     
  5. spirocracy

    spirocracy Guest

    I don't think she will disown me or anything. I just don't know how well she would take it. She just makes comments sometimes that just stick. She was talking to my brother-in-law and she was saying that he is her favorite son-in-law (seeing as I have one sister, he has to be her favorite) and hopefully I won't change that. Or like, there was this stuff animal that had purple hair and she said something about not giving it to my baby nephew cause he might turn out gay. Just stuff like that.
     
  6. radiantdawn

    radiantdawn Guest

    Hmm =/ Who did she redirect the stuffed animal purple hair comment to? Did she say it to you, or was it to some other adult, or who was she talking to when she said it? If she was talking to another adult, that'd be not a good sign >_< If she said it to like for example you, it wouldn't be as bad as if she said it to an adult. But if it was directed towards an adult >_< =/ That would be quite... not good.
     
  7. spirocracy

    spirocracy Guest

    She said it to my brother-in-law. :frowning2:
     
  8. maverick

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    Did she say it jokingly?

    Gay jokes are pretty regular fare in my family, so I don't even really see it as an insult anymore. It's almost like a societal kneejerk reaction - I know that the things that they say don't represent their actual feelings. They don't emphasize enough with gay issues to feel anything about it one way or the other.
     
  9. radiantdawn

    radiantdawn Guest

    How old is your brother in law >_< ? If he's like... 20+... =/ That wouldn't be good. Don't feel too down though! Most people are much more accepting of people being gay these days, especially when it's their own son. Because, I think, it opens their eyes and they see that anyone can be gay, it's not a choice, it can't be fought or fixed, and it doesn't change who their child is in any way. In fact, parents should feel happy that a child confides their sexuality in them cause it shows they trust them A LOT.
     
  10. spirocracy

    spirocracy Guest

    He is 35. :\ You're making me feel nervous now.
     
  11. radiantdawn

    radiantdawn Guest

    >_< Don't be nervous, I'm just an overthinker/overworrier. >_< Sorry to have made you nervous >_< . But yeah, my last post, besides the talk about your bro in law's age, basically sums up why you should feel a bit less anxious about the whole thing. And the people here have your back, use our support as needed : )
     
  12. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    I think she knows or suspects. The "hopefully you won't change that" means that the thought has crossed her mind. Likewise, with noticiing that all your clothes are "gay", she's essentially giving voice to her thoughts.

    So she's likely on to you :slight_smile: That doesn't mean she's welcoming it with open arms, but she's already thinking about it, and one of the first steps in thinking about the possibility of having a gay son is trying to reject the news, push it away.

    I don't think any parent, if they look at it in retrospect, really believes that telling their kid "I hope you're not gay because that would be bad" is actually going to change their orientation, but it doesn't stop them from *wishing* it weren't true simply because it is "different", and if it isn't something they are familiar with, they are usually fearful about it.

    So... you have a couple of choices. You can wait a couple or few months and let her work it through a bit more and perhaps be more OK with it, or you can simply get it out in the open. My guess is she might be a little unhappy at first, but will soon be fine with it. And I don't think 13 is too young to be certain; more and more, people are reporting knowing by the age of 5 or 6.
     
  13. Filip

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    Honestly, I do believe you can gaze and gaze at the signs that your mom might or might not know, but the more you gaze, the more you see your own fears reflected.

    Just before I came out to her, my mom seemed to give every possible hint (the "you sure you're not gay?" jokes, commenting favourably on GLBT items, saying "I'll be fine with whatever person you bring home"), so I was sure she knew... and when I told her she came totally out of left field and was rather shocked.
    And on the other end there was my brother, occasionally cracking homophobic jokes, and yet he turned out to have had an idea already and being totally OK with it.
    Talking to both of them about the signs I saw afterwards, it turned out they never really thought that much about what they were saying and just said what seemed natural given the situation. So the signs I saw were apparently all in my own head.

    As long as they're not announcing that they'll disown you and throw you out on the street should you turen out to be gay, I'd see it all as banter, and not hints or signs about secret inner workings.

    I'd say: don't overthink it. Whether they know or not... that doesn't change the fact that you're gay, and that you're going to tell her someday. It's best to prepare your own coming-out message, making sure you touch on everything you want to say, and to be there for questions. In matters like these it's better to focus on yourself than make coming-out dependant on others!