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Worried

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Mogget, Jan 9, 2011.

  1. Mogget

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    So I'll start with a quick rehash of my general situation before moving onto my current problem. A little over a year ago I was in a brief but, for me, extremely intense relationship with a guy. He dumped me which shattered my already low self-esteem and sent me into a lengthy period of suicidal depression. As I've been recovering I've been avoiding just about everything in the gay community for fear that encountering him would trigger me.

    Lately I've becoming increasingly aware of just how much this is crippling my social life and have begun to wonder if maybe I should risk being around him. The general consensus here is that I should. So yesterday I went to a game night hosted by our local gay outreach group. My ex wasn't there (thank God), but his boyfriend was. It was kind of awkward, but I seemed to be doing all right. I left early because I was feeling a bit tense and not really comfortable.

    A few minutes after I left, I broke down crying. I went through all my old obsessive thought patterns about my ex, all my unanswered questions about our relationship, fears of my sexual inadequacy, the works.

    All of which has me worried. If it was this bad just being around my ex's boyfriend, how much worse would it've been if I'd been around my ex. I don't want to keep obsessively avoiding everything either of them might be at, but I also don't want to be triggered and don't seem to be able to have fun being around them. The gay community here's pretty small, so I doubt I'll be able to find many gay people to hang out with (something I want to do) if I have to avoid them.

    So I have no idea what I should do. Help?
     
  2. Paper Heart

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    I was in this situation about two years ago. Except in my circumstances, I was out and proud, while he was in Narnia. But 6 months after he dumps me (I apparently was a loud mouth about us), he's Mr. Gay-of-the-Year and basically shit talked the relationship, which was my first. I was, in the meantime, crushed, heartbroken, and in despair. However, I realized that although I did have strong feelings for him, I could have them for someone else. Its tough for me to be around his exes, but I know that I am the ONLY person in charge of making myself happy. So I just tried to move on with my life, got involved in projects, like plays, and just kept my head up.

    But you may want to talk to your ex. I know a lot of gay guys who's best friends are their exes.
     
  3. Lexington

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    There's nothing wrong (or surprising) about feeling down at the end of a relationship, and there's nothing wrong with wanting to avoid your ex for a period of time afterwards.

    It's been over a year. And you've cut off all your gay-related activities, and even now, you're breaking down simply meeting his now-current boyfriend. You really should be beyond the "recovery" period. You should have accepted that you two were simply mismatched, and that it happens all the time, and that there will be others out there with whom you WILL click. And if you can't come to grips with that in twelve months, it might be time to get some help to get you to that point.

    Lex
     
  4. LTRinTO

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    You might want to look at what made the relationship so intense for you. You may find that it was speaking to some of your core identity issues (you mentioned self-esteem and fear of sexual inadequacy), and that, essentially, the relationship wasn't healthy for you to begin with. If you find that's the case, I'm not suggesting that you run away from those issues. Recognizing them is an important first step to dealing with them in a healthy way.

    Is it necessary for you to interact with him if you DO see him? I can certainly understand that it can be difficult just to SEE him, but you are right when you suggest that your current approach can cripple you socially. I think it can wound you emotionally and psychologically as well, as you might come to believe that you don't "deserve" to be in social settings, which is simply wrong!

    While in an ideal world it would be great if we could just get along with everyone - including our exes - the simple reality is that sometimes we have a relationship that is toxic for us and it is best if we can learn from that experience and grow beyond it. In that toxic circumstance part of that growth process can be acknowledging that it's not in our best interest to interact with that particular ex, which does NOT mean that we need to avoid socializing in general. In fact, it means quite the opposite: it means embracing the reality that we ARE worthwhile, and socializing with others who will respect and reinforce our inherent value.

    Given that you are in a small community it may be necessary and it is entirely possible to politely "handle" him. If you go to a function and he is there, acknowledge him with a nod of your head from across the room but be firm about your boundaries. Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated with respect and you deserve to have fun. You have a right to say that you don't want to talk to him, and he should respect that. If there are others in your group whom you trust, let them know how you feel and ask for their support. You are not looking to isolate him from the group, but to allow yourself to integrate safely into it.

    Recognize that it will take time to come to terms with what happened, and consider that it may be to your advantage to get some counselling to help you process this. Suicidal depression isn't something that you can just gloss over, and I'm confident it's not something that you want to repeat, ever!
     
  5. Filip

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    Preface: I'm not a psychologist, so you might want to talk this through with your counselor too (I seem to remember from a previous post you mentioned you were seeing one), but my thought is essentially the following:

    Sometimes, the only way out is through.

    I'm wondering: how did you feel after you broke down? Obviously you felt bad during it, but did you get back to normal quickly afterwards? Sometimes it takes one, or a couple, of cathartic moments to get over something. And not all tears and sad feelings are a bad thing.

    Maybe, as hard as it is, this is exactly what it takes: keep going, accept that seeing him or his boyfriend or other reminders will leave a sour taste in your mouth, and further breakdowns might happen, but that it also helps in getting it out of your system. After one or two times, you might find that the feelings just aren't as strong as when you kept dwelling on them in isolation.

    Personal example, though not as severe: I heavily crushed on a guy in highschool. He was the first guy I ever had such feelings for, and I think that on some days, I literally spent every moment I wasn't otherwise occupied thinking about him. The last day of highschool, after we went home, I felt worse than I ever felt in my life. It took me about a year to stop thinking about the guy every day. slowly, I started forgetting him more and more until... I bumped back into him. That evening, I felt just as bad as I did on the day of graduation. I don't ever cry, but I could have puked my guts out from sheer misery.
    But... then I met him again, a couple of months later, and I found out that I was able to handle it almost perfectly. apparently, that small breakdown was just what I needed to get on my feet (or at least contributed to it). I got over him, and think i'm generally more mature about crushing on people now. I can't prove it, but I do feel like that one chance encounter was a necessary step, no matter how bad it made me feel.

    And, as a final remark: try to always remind yourself that sometimes relationships don't work out. there's not always a reason beyond: "the feeling wasn't there from one party". It's tempting to ask why, and if you're so inclined, find blame in yourself (I do that kind of thing all the time myself), but the truth is that there's often no deeper reason than "it just didn't work out". From your other posts on here, it's clear that you're an awesome, caring, guy, so don't allow yourself to be convinced otherwise!