Horribly Awkward... (My best-friend's boyfriend... crush... fail...)

Okay. I've never had a real "crush" on anyone before on my life. At least, not one that lasted long. Before I was out to myself, I told myself I had crushes on certain girls, but it was more the feeling of just wanting them as my really close friend, not the kissing or the cuddling or any of that other relationship stuff. Well, finally got one!... on my best-friend's boyfriend.

STORY TIME!!!:

For clarification purposes, my best friend is a girl. I have never been really close friend's with boys before... until last year. One year ago in December, my best friend who is to be referred to as "B." from this point on, brought her new boyfriend to a Christmas party. I was feeling really awkward at said party because there was one boy there, who has been out of the closet as long as I knew him, essentially making an a** of himself... and knowing the fact that I was struggling with whether or not I was gay at the time made me feel strange being around this kid. So, anyway, B. was in the back corner with her boyfriend, and I met him, and he thought I was funny, and I decided I could deal with this kid being around. Oh, we will call the boy K.

Now, I was afraid of being a third wheel all the time because this I was the one without the relationship, so, I decided we could be a "tricycle" as long as I could stay friends with this kid. Turns out, I got along with him more than any other boy I've met in my life. He is in chorus like me, likes my jokes, doesn't think he's better than anyone (which is my biggest peeve), and he and B. would come over to my house all the time in the summer and we would just hang out. And he is the one person I could tell anything to... He's the one that yanked me out of the closet for the first time.

Anyway, I realized I was starting to like him more than I should by the end of last year. I shared a room with him on a trip to Washington D.C. (Funny story. I roomed with him, the kid that is out to everybody, and a boy who is out of the closet to everyone but himself...). But anyway, K. could tell I liked somebody... he said he could see it in my face. I was a total closet case at the time, and refused to say who it was. He started beating me with pillows and throwing shoes a my trying to get me to tell him (he is funny like that) and eventually, I lied. I said it was a girl who I was in a fight with at the time and that I didn't want to talk about it. Gave a name to. For 6 months he thought I had a crush on this girl.

So, recently, as I said, he pulled me out of the closet. When he did finally get me out, in compensation, he admitted he is bi-curious (not a surprize by any means because more people think he is gay than KNOW that I am. I wish he had just played it straight. Knowing he is on the fence just made me like him more...). It took him 3 weeks of knowing I didn't like girls to realize that it was impossible for me to be CRUSHING on a girl and that I lied to him (a bit slow :eusa_doh and for the past week all I have heard from him is "who is he!? WHO IS HE!? TELL ME!!!!" and I wouldn't. I refused. I refused SO MUCH that he figured it out last night. For all the times I begged him to stop asking, I was so freaked out when out of nowhere, his eyes got big and then he finally stopped with no explanation.

I couldn't back out of it... he said he figured it out. It was the only thing that made sense... and that I shouldn't feel bad about it. He told me it would "pass. Like a kidney stone, it will pass" (exact quote. I love him for that kind of stuff... and hate him for making me love him for that kind of stuff). I wanted to die where I stood. There are 3 other guys who openly have a crush on him (he is that kind of guy... don't know why. I can't make sense of it... you would never guess it by looking at him. Just that kind of personality I guess.) Thing is, I would NEVER act on it. EVER. I care WAY too much about my best friend, and I have WAY to many problems with myself (appearance wise) to ever consider it. But I can't stop liking him... no more than I can start liking girls.

DILEMMA TIME!!!!

Okay, so... as far as this being a problem goes, he is the least-judgmental person on earth and just considers it to be nothing I can help, and he respects that. But B. is the most jealous girlfriend to walk the face of the earth when she thinks anyone is after him. (We have always liked the same things... why this has to be one kills me.) As far as it goes right now, K. promised not to breath a word of it. But I still feel really awkward around him now. I used to be able to come out of nowhere and grab him by the shoulder and carry him off (I'm strong. He is small. It is amusing.) But now I'm afraid that he will think of all that stuff the wrong way. Not to mention I feel infinitely guilty for liking my best-friend's boyfriend. Also, I feel horrible about myself in all of this because liking him makes me dislike myself more because I wouldn't have a shot with him if he was completely gay because I am, well... I don't post pictures... and I just feel like it's all wrong.

K. and B. are my best friends on earth, and I know that this isn't right! I want them to stay together because they are both happy, but being around them both just makes me feel bad about myself at the same time. And now, K. knows, and I'm afraid it's going to make things different. And if B. finds out, it could destroy our friendship given her history with other people going after her men. I think at the moment, I have it handled as well as I can possible have it, but I'm still worried, and I feel so guilty/like a bad guy for this because I can't do anything about it.

I've never had a crush before. This is my first one, and it is making me miserable. I don't know what could possibly be said in advice, but I needed to get this off my chest somewhere. I just need to know I guess; am I a bad person for this? I don't know what I can do short of cutting K. away from me for a while in an attempt to get over it... and I totally respect B. enough to never act on this at all, but how can I get over this??? I just feel so guilty right now... just when I'm starting to get comfortable with the fact that it's okay to like the same gender, I end up in an area that is NOT acceptable, and I feel like a bad person.

 

Thank you. I guess I'm just still confused about a lot. I blocked out all of the teenage-drama-feelings for as long as I could stand it, and that included relationships and crushes, and it sorta became my identity as the mellow-kid. If I ever had a crush before, I could suppress it so well nobody knew. (My mom has NO idea I like guys, but she has told my sister she is afraid I am asexual and lack the capacity to love. I came out to my sister. Third thing out of her mouth was "you'd better not have a crush on K. because that is FORBIDDEN TERRITORY.") So, that made me scared. I am starting to think my sister isn't the best person to have come out to. This is the third time she has come up in the "Support and Advice" section... Haha. If anybody can make me feel small, insignificant, and afraid, it has to be her. But still, I can't say I don't agree with her. But thanks for reassuring me that I'm not a bad person for this... I just feel like if I could fight off every other feeling like this before, why not this time, you know? I think I know why they are called crushes now.

 

Oh, I would never act on it. I mean, he is seriously one of my two best friends on earth, but B. has been there through everything I've ever dealt with up through now... I think that's the part that makes it worse. I could always go to B. whenever an issue like this came up, well an issue of this size. When I met K. last year, he was the same way, there has never been anything I could do or say to make these two dislike me short of, well, this. K. just thinks it's funny, as I learned today. He knows that I hate that he knows, and thinks it's just fun that I finally like somebody for real, even if it is HIM. He always said he wanted to see me actually like somebody, and to show evidence of it, because before recently he really didn't think I had it in me. Now he just smiles every time I look at him and acts like it's a game, which really, it is, because B. is always right next to him and he thinks its fun keeping a secret from her. (My friends are goofballs...) but I still feel bad that now it's like keeping a secret from B.. But it's something I need to keep from her because I'm afraid she won't understand. At the same time, she would usually be the FIRST person I'd ask for advice when it comes to crushes and whatnot, but she told me she wouldn't help me unless she knew who it was on.

But I suck at dealing with this on my own . I feel like I need to talk this out with one of my best friends, but, it's not really an option because they ARE my best friends. Ha, I sorta skrewed myself over here I guess.

Option A. will NEVER happen. I care about B. way too much, and, trust me, K. would have no interest in the matter either. Nor do I really want to... because I still believe in the whole going through the stages of a relationship thing, and I'm never even going to start one with this guy because he is my only close male-friend, and I would never ruin it. and I reiterate, he would have NO INTEREST IN ME.

Option B. will hopefully happen... it's just it's been going on way too long. The fact that he knows and that it doesn't bug him just makes him seem like a better person than I thought! I mean, I like him more than I've liked anyone in my life, and that means a lot considering a few months ago, I wouldn't so much as admit I could like ANY boy that way. But getting over that I like him is really difficult! It is all the wrong circumstances... I like him, but I know I will never and can never act on it. And even if I could, I wouldn't because I am too self concious and don't even find myself attractive enough to have anybody have a real interest in me. I just want it to go away, but I want to keep him around.

Oh... interesting end note; I was dating a girl when I came out, and ended it with her because, well, duh. But the thing is, I came out as bi, because I may be, just not sure now. Technically, she told me she would still date me and that she didn't care if I liked boys too. What I didn't like was that she seemed to like K. more than she liked me, and was always hanging all over him... B. knew I was jeolous that my gf. was hanging all over K., and so, B. told me it was okay to end it on those grounds... I never mentioned that I was equally upset we liked the same person... and that I was equally as guilty as her, so I ended it with this girl nicely. It was the way B. told me to push this girl aside that scares me... (when I dig my own grave, I dig it deep :eusa_doh