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wasn't going to post but ....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by KnightAssassin, Jan 10, 2011.

  1. KnightAssassin

    Full Member

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    Location:
    Little Rock, Arkansas
    So i wasn't going to post . Lately i have been falling farther and farther down, and well i am going to post this to feel better and clear my conscious and maybe take a little input . Well this is where i shall begin .
    Christmas eve i got drunk and i got a box cutter and put it to the top of my inside forearm and i was about to push and pull it until i well either died or woke up bloody , BUT my brother walked in and i pulled it away and didn't cut . Being drunk i feel asleep some time soon .
    Christmas i sat alone at my grandparents all day long and was away from aunts uncles cousin and brothers and everyone else . I wanted to go off and die the whole day .
    New years eve , i sat alone drunk and depressed .
    Last wensday i carved i want to die into both my arms with a razorblade and i just cut and cut and cut until all i felt was external .
    Saturday I drank until i felt better , and then some .... and i drank anything i knew that would fuck me up , everclear and pina coloda bout 1/2 and 1/2 for one glass , then 1/3 and 2/3 and then just one pina coloda
    Sunday i drank again same as yesterday just substitue pina coloda with peach daiquiri ...
    right now it is monday as of 2 hours and ove r 30 minutes ago and i sit here alone and i could just as easily hurt myself as the other days but i to tired atm
    Now for those who are going to say get help , i have a therapist appointment tomorrow [ tuesday] and i am going to tell him : i felt more suicidal , i cut , and i drank . thats that
    NOW i cannot afford or even handle going back to a hospital ......
    I dont have a phone , house or cell . I am using someone elses inernet to log on each day , i have bought disposable phones and paid for minutes to call people like trevor project and my therapist ..... but i keep doing , well this at the end of the days so why keep trying if i am failing ? i feel miserable each time i cut becuase someone is right there say you can do better , I CAN NOT . i have tried so hard for so long that i cant even think about help anymore , it hurts to think that ill be better someday . it hurts to constantly lie to myself ..... this is what i must accept so i am going to have to learn to live down this road because the only option i see is not acceptable to others so have to endure this so i wont casue them the pain they caused me .i am ready to die ... and i am going to leave you with what i have written inside my notebook for poetry aand drawing and writings [ kidna like a journal if it isn't one ] ..... Why dream , the higher i am the farther i fall ........ i am ready to live this way or die whatever happens first , i just can't handle being myself anymore .....
     
  2. Almostthere

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2011
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    Location:
    Glasgow, Scotland
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    OMG! I'm kinda new on here and haven't read your other posts but PLEASE PLEASE don't hurt yourself. It's really not worth killing yourself over anything. I'm a lot older than you and have just come out to my wife. The last year has been a nightmare and I too came so close to killing myself because I just could not face up to being gay and married etc etc etc. After I came out to my wife she was more devastated about my thoughts of suicide than anything else. I was so glad I didn't do it when I saw how upset she would have been.

    I honestly couldn't see a way of breaking through my problems, but when I gathered the strength it wasn't a hard as I thought it would be.

    Please be strong. I don't know you but I care about you, you are not alone. You WILL get things sorted xxx