Please have a read. Help?

If you're feeling too depressed to get to a counselor, I recommend calling a crisis line. They can give you some immediate therapy (which you need), and help you get the courage to go to your therapist.

 

This, especially since (I think) they can be anonymous which might make it a little bit easier to open up. And you can talk a little bit about what's been plaguing you lately which is a little bit cathartic. Also, I would urge you to interact with your parents as least as humanly possible until you can sort everything out. Even if in the big picture they're good people, right now they're toxic to your situation and self esteem. If they keep nagging you to get a job say something like, "I'm working on it, but first I need to take care of some things." Because it's true. Right now you need to focus on you and not so much what others want you to do.

 

Hey sweetheart (*hug*),

first thing I am so sorry you're in such a pain (*hug*).
I completly get how you feel. It's not something I have ever talked about on EC, but I've been sexualy abused by my very first boyfriend when I was 12. The circumstances were very differente from what you had to go through, but I understand how much it hurts.
Whatever your parents and especially your mother are saying, none of this is your fault.
When it comes about sexual abuse, there is no "you should have known better". You're not responsible for any of these rapes.
Your parents attitude toward this is very inappropriate and hurtful. It's more than normal that you hold them a grudge for such a lack of support.
You need to get some help to deal with what you had to go through and to be able to rebuilt your self-esteem. Starting a therapy is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.
Try to take a new appointment and ask a friend you trust to come with you.
I know it's difficult, when I started therapy, I was vomiting before every single appointements at first, but it definitly saved my life.
As Liam and Dereck told you, don't hesitate to call a crisis line either, if possible one that is specialized in dealing with rape's victims. The people who answer those helplines know what you're going through and will be able to help you.
Keep holding on sweetheart (*hug*) No matter how dark things seem to be for now, it can get better. Unfortunatly, nothing can undo the fact you've been raped, but you can learn how to live with those memories.
If there is anything I can do, if you have any questions, or if there is anything you want to talk about, feel free to PM me anytime.
Don't give up, (*hug*) Cécile

 

Hang in there. (*hug*) I know what it's like, with the social anxiety and the depression at once. Find someone you can trust to talk to - a therapist is a great start. Talking it out will help, even just to let it out for once.

 

I give you permission to hold a grudge against them. There behaviour is abominable. I'm a parent and I can't understand that attitude. Let your anger towards them be the least of your problems for now. Work on yourself in other ways, you can always come back to this at some later time when your strounger in yourself.

 

First of all, I admire you for coping so far, and having the strength to stop abusing substances. You have been through a lot, and it takes amazing courage to even book a counsellor, so well done and continue to be strong. (*hug*)

I've had depression and contemplated suicide, and I know the feeling of wanting to avoid people your closest to. You're right in thinking that in the long run you'll feel better by spending time with them, but I completely understand the anxiety of going to meet them, and I've never even been diagnosed with social anxiety. Maybe you could try little-by-little contact with them. It doesn't even have to be face-to-face, just giving them a ring would by a great way of spending quality time with them. Also, have you considered meeting in environments which you can control or feel safe in? Eg, asking a friend around to your house or, if you feel your parents don't make you feel safe, perhaps at the house of a friend you trust, just for the day if you wouldn't be comfortable staying over. After that, could move to a favourite hangout you're familiar with, eg a favourite coffee bar or restaurant, when you feel ready.

Another system you may want to try is a buddy/chaperone system. A friend of mine who developed depression after her particularly toxic relationship with her ultra-manipulative girlfriend ended. She developed social phobia and was afraid of going into town, so I offered to come with her whenever she wanted to go out, as a sort-of protector figure, on the understanding that I would intervene in situations where she felt threatened and if she ever felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed in a public place we would leave immediately. If you have a friend (or friends) who you trust I would strongly recommend this. The good thing about this is that it also gets you out spending time with a friend and feels very normal and safe, as you're just hanging out in town together, and it gives you the confidence to be around people again.

Don't feel hopeless about your job search, remember, even if nothing's coming up, it is in no way your fault, there's a recession on so employers are downsizing rather than recuiting. If anything, even getting to interview is a huge achievement in such a competitive environment. Don't get disheartened, keep trying and the best of luck!

I agree hugely with everyone else; the rapes aren't your fault at all, and your parents are being far from helpful to say the least. I would say avoiding them as much as possible is a good idea, and talking to a crisis line/councelor and focusing on more supportive people such as friends so you feel as good about yourself as you deserve to. In the (very very) long term, I would recommend moving in with very good friends when you're ready, as it's amazing what a positive environment can do you your head.

I hope things improve for you as soon as possible, (*hug*) and :goodluck: