So a while back I told another gay person at work that I was gay. Well they have the loudest mouth ever and it spread to everyone I work with. Today I was talking to that other gay employee about my plans for the weekend. I said I was going snowboarding with a guy friend. My supervisor overheard that, laughed, and then in a joking laughing way said, "You gonna brokeback mountain up there after?" Not sure what that idiot meant, but I assume he meant are we going to fuck...but it was not in a "high five, get some" tone, rather in a "Silly Faggot" tone. I just glared at him and said "no" and went about my conversation. Gay jokes like that happen constantly and usually come from the mouth of that same person. Not really sure what to do about it. If I tell the manager, that person will get fired probably and I know they need the job because they have a wife and two kids so I don't want to fuck that up with them. He's usually nice and we get along, but whenever anything gay comes up he just laughs about it, makes me want to punch him in the face, but I know that isn't the solution. Any ideas? I feel like there's no real easy fix.
Have you asked him to stop or told him that you don't enjoy being mocked? I'd be surprised if he doesn't take it to heart and stop after you confront him about it. You say you have a good relatonship when talking about other things, so it shouldn't be too hard to bring it up in conversation. If that doesn't work, then take it to the manager. That behaviour isn't acceptable and you don't have to put up with it. If he gets fired then it's his fault, not yours.
He's likely either just ignorant, uncomfortable, or possibly closeted. In any case, I think you should go to him, privately, and said something like "Look, I'm not ok with the jokes. You may think they're funny, but they're annoying. So I'm assuming you don't realize that, and will stop, but if you don't, I'll have to take further action." A lot of straight guys are just uncomfortable and a little clueless so hopefully this will clue him in. If memory serves, you're in northern CA, so he can't even claim cultural ignorance as he could if he were in the deep south or somewhere, so hopefully he'll get with the program
This is not really all that helpful, but in my experience, whenever you're working with more than 5 or so people, there's always going to be one of those guys around. So it pays to just learn to ignore their jokes. This is, assuming that he means it as a mistaken attempt at humour, or a totally wrong way to prove he's OK with it, rather than real hate speech. There's one in my workplace too, and whenever I just mention any girl in conversation, he assumes that she's a girlfriend of mine and will not hesitate to insinuate all kinds of goings-on. If I came out to him (and without a good reason, I think he'll be the last at work to ever know), I'm sure he'd do the same when I mentioned any guy. I usually reply one of two things. Either: "Oh, you're on to me. Absolutely!" (preferably with a flat voice and not even the barest glimmer of amusement) or "I hope I'm more gentlemanlike than stooping to that kind of thing!". Or, if I'm in a conversation, i just pretend to not have heard it. It's really annoying when he does that, but I figure I'll just allow an otherwise good guy to have his more annoying side. Not that this is any help at really changing the status quo (other than living with it), so if this is really hurting, then by all means, please do just take him apart and mention that you feel slightly offended by this kind of insinuation. His jokes are probably borne of ignorance, so informing him of that might help!
There is no need for you to put up with this. I would tell him to cut it out. If he continues I would talk to your manager.
I believe that type of talk could be construed as 'sexual harrassement'. If he isn't going to stop by polite conversation, mention that.
im pretty sure in california he could get fired for those sort of comments so i'd simply ask him to stop and let him know it is offensive or bothers you. If he refuses to and keeps going them tell your manager. If he gets fired over it it is his fault not yours. You are in a professional work environment he is not supposed to be making comments like that period end of story, and if he does he will deal with he ramifications of his actions. You should take a no-tolerance policy on the matter imo. If you do ask and he keeps gong simply say "look i don't want to have to do this but if you keep harassing and insulting me like this i'm going to have to tell management and i don't want to have to go through that and i don't think you do either so drop it." You gotta take a stand man xD
My PERSONAL way to deal with this sort of thing is to OWN it. If somebody said "You gonna brokeback mountain up there?" to me, I'd say "Enh, we don't like each other like that. But if that changes, I'll be sure to let you know. And send you pictures." That sort of response makes a few things clear: 1. You're gay. 2. Him making fun of you being gay isn't affecting you (the real reason he's doing it). 3. You can dish it out to him, too. Mind you, that might not be your way of dealing with it. If so, just tell him that either the gay jokes stop, or you report him, and if he loses his job, so be it. Lex
Lol I like your idea Lex, that's more my style. I think I'll give it a whirl next time something happens.
I agree with Lex's tactic, people like that just need to know you can give as good as you take. They also need to know that gay people aren't super-sensitive about their sexuality and can be included in on teasing, because it's pretty common to get ribbed on a large number of things regardless of your orientation. Being gay is just the most obvious material open to class clowns and office comics.
I'm in a confrontational mood today. Tell him this: Do you think talking to him would make things better? Maybe just tell him how you find it kinda offensive. Then if you have to report him. However, i do really like Lex's plan. Maybe twist the joke on him.
Yep, this ^^ Especially as a supervisor, that kind of comment is way out of bounds. If you don't want him fired I'd suggest having a private conversation with him. Find a way to talk one-on-one w/o bringing it up in front of everyone. Point out the fact that if he continues to treat you that way he has a very good chance of being fired when you report it. It's not acceptable in the workplace. I hope your situation improves.
