Good god I hate my life. Everything I do, I manage to screw up. Or, it screws me over. They say never count your chickens before they hatch, well, my chickens never hatch. I'm miserable, incompetent, constantly frustrated, stressed and internally screaming my head off. I have no direction, I have no use, I am a pointless lump of meat. I accomplish nothing, I never do anyone any good. It really would be better off if I were dead. Nothing ever works out for me, which really shouldn't surprise me. I don't know why I even try anymore, I never win. And it isn't even my present life that is hell, it's what I have ahead of me. So many more years of nothing. I don't even know if I will make it far enough to experience more nothing. The way I am headed now, I will wind up on the street. I'm shit at school, I am incompetent at even the simplest task. I never get anything done right on my own. I have no job, no educational or financial direction. In the impossible event that someone is stupid enough to think I may be a good at something, I will end up fucking up somehow and screwing everything up. My social life is even more dead. I hate going out with friends. I hate staying at home doing nothing. I haven't the spine to start up a relationship, of any kind. And if I did start up something, friendship, or relationship, with someone, again, I would only fuck it up, and ruin their lives aswell. My entire life up to this point, and any life I have ahead of me, is completely pointless. A useless activity. I don't even live, all I am doing is waiting to die, and I hope I don't have to wait much longer.
You know what? Life really sounds like it sucks. The fact that you are on here telling everyone this is at least a step in the right direction. You accept that you hate your position in life right now, which is good. Rather than pretend to be happy or wait to die, why don't you inspire change in your life. My new year's resolution was to make myself happy and love myself more. I've lived most of my life trying to be that perfect kid. Getting good marks, going to church, over achieving in everything I do. In reality was I every happy? I did all those things because it made my parents happy. To bring things into reality, I don't think they have ever done anything or sacraficed enough of their time to make me happy. I was a miserable child. So back to your situation, figure out what you are unhappy about and bring about change. Find a goal, find a direction, take little steps at a time. You don't need to do super well in school. Get your diploma, figure what your interests are and what you want to pursue in the future. Find a friend, a boyfriend, someone to dedicate your life to so it won't go to waste. You've suffered through so much, don't give up now. It's not worth it.
You are clearly suffering from serious depression. I've been there myself and know what it's like. I'll offer some specific advice for you in a few paragraphs, but I want to say this first: What you are going through and how you are feeling is not something you have to experience. Depression is a treatable condition and you can enjoy life again. You can also re-build your self-esteem and energy levels. Your current academic and social struggles are simply a reflection of your current inner turmoil. With treatment you can return to a happy, successful life. You are not a bad person, nor are you a failure. Your perception of yourself is flawed, this is a common, almost universal, symptom of depression. The person we see in the mirror is almost never the person who is actually there. The mirror warps and distorts our image until we are scarcely recognizable to ourselves. Based on your post I would say you need more than standard therapy, you need serious, intense treatment and you need it now. There are centers that offer the equivalent of drug rehab for depressed people. A quick Google search found this one in Australia; a therapist or counselor would be able to point you towards others. I strongly recommend going to such a center if at all possible. If you don't, you will probably end up in a hospital ward after you reach the point where you can no longer control your suicidal urges. While those wards are not bad places (I've been in them), they don't offer as good a quality of non-emergency care as a depression facility would, and definitely not as long-term of care (the ones I was in had a turnover period of about two weeks). The one I linked to also offers far more variety in care than a typical hospital ward. If you want to talk to me about my own experiences with depression and psychiatric hospitalizations, I'm happy to share them here or on your wall. Just know this: I (and many others) have been where you are and have felt what you're feeling. You are not alone, and you can recover.
I think that hospitalisation is probably the best course of action at the moment, as it seems that your depression is currently at a critical state. Canberra has a few mental health wards (as I have recently been in both the major wards) and they really helped me out of the state I was in. If you want any info just PM me.
I'll second the other depression folks. If you're not seeing anybody, stop what you're doing, and go find somebody. Your school counselor is a good first step, or your family doctor. You can go on from there. Lex
I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable Can you tell us how you got to such a low point? It seems like there must have been a time when you were happy and felt content. I can relate to some of what you said so you're not the only one and I bet you can make it to at least my age. I do agree with the others suggesting counseling. You have value and worth and can be good at something, probably lots of things, and find some happiness. Maybe try the Trevor Project. You can chat live on there if you don't want to call and talk to anyone. http://www.thetrevorproject.org/ Please call or chat with them and keep talking to us (&&&)
