Maybe not so über, but I still need to just get it out here. Exams are coming up. Because I am a Senior this year, I get to exempt one and am getting out of my AP English (we can exempt 1 exam if we don't miss school, have at least a B, and in this particular class if we aren't taking it for college credit). Which leaves me with three other easy exams, and then AP Calculus. Within the next week, the whole class (14 of us) has to complete the exam (it's take-home) and on exam day, present a random question on the board. So, I am stressing out over that. Along with that, I have to fill out a bunch of scholarships, the FAFSA, and the CSS, and if I don't get enough money, I can't go to University of Michigan because my family is in that small section of not-rich-enough-to-be-able-to-pay-for-college-but-not-poor-enough-to-receive-much-financial-aid. I might have to go to a lesser college for a couple of years, and miss out on everything I wanted to do there for a while! I wanted to do some intensive language study! I wanted to finally come out of the closet a little (maybe a lot)! I wanted a boyfriend! So that's another thing that's got me all worked up. On top of this, I have a confusing relationship situation. I totally prefer guys, but all through High School, I have had a crush on this girl. Like, a real, heterosexual crush. Not just longing for a heterosexual disguise. However, now that we are finally official (we used to hang out and do everything couples do...but touch), I don't feel attracted to her anymore... I sometimes hate her. Sometimes, and this is rare, but sometimes I actually really, really like her. She didn't used to do the things that make me hate her until we started going out. I want to be done with her, but she might be going to the same college as me. I could let her off very nicely, we haven't kissed, and we have only held hands twice, but if she saw me at college with guys, she would think I just used her to hide my sexuality. But I also don't want to come out to her, because she's pretty gossipy, especially to her two sisters (she's a triplet) and I don't really want to come out yet. I live in a pretty small agricultural town filled with lovely bigots. There's another problem on the stack. Why not add another? I have a straight crush. I'm pretty sure he is straight. Like 99% sure. Yet I can't stop thinking about him. I see him a few times a day in the hall. I'm a Senior, he's a Sophomore. So yeah, it's pretty much hopeless. Seriously, I'll be 18 in a couple months, and I don't wanna be a pedo. XD But still, every time he walks by me, he looks at me. That is, unless he knows I'm watching him. Last year, I would notice him looking at me when I would go down the hall his locker was in, but thought nothing of it. I wasn't very accepting of who I was then. i had secret crushes, but nothing like him. Then this year, I stopped really noticing him until I saw him looking at me when he came into the school. He looked me straight in the eyes for just a second...too long I feel to be just a glance... then looked away. The next four days, he did the same thing. I started looking back. By the fifth day, I was watching for him like an eager puppy. When he walked by on the fifth day, I got the most intense rush...kind of an icy-hot chill. I almost had to gasp. I feel so ashamed... Sometimes, I will catch him looking at me from across the lunchroom, but just briefly, he doesn't stare. (I have really good peripheral vision, even with glasses) I added him on Facebook a week or two ago, and he accepted me within an hour. The only problem is, he has a girlfriend and he' the type whose every post is crap like "Can't wait to hang out with my amazing girlfriend tomorrow!", "I have the best girl in the world.", and "I love you, baby." I know it can never happen, on the surface (the one under my faux-straight one), I am done with him, but inside, I can't get over him... See? I just gushed for a whole long paragraph about him! Argh! On a less-stressing-but-still-similarly-disquieting-note, the other day, my mom found out that Elton just recently had that kid. She is in love with all "Gay British Rockstars." She loves Queen, Elton, Boy George, George Michael, etc. But she is sort of a fake-Christian. SHe can be the crazy-super-Christian sometimes, and other times, she is so non-Christian, it's not even funny! When it comes to gays, unfortunately, she is crazy-super-Christian. So when she found out about Elton, it went something like this: Mom: "So, Elton John has a kid now." Me: "Yeah, this has been known for like, 2 weeks now." Mom: "What? Why didn't you tell me?" Me: "You love him, I just figured you knew." Mom: “Well I didn’t. Jeez, I can’t help but feel bad for that kid. Being raised by a gay guy and his boyfriend.” Dad: “Husband.” Mom: “Well, they’re not married in GOD’S eyes! I wouldn’t want to be raised by 2 guys! Just think about how much you’d be picked on and how horrible it would be!” In my sophomore year, I had the chance to come out. I had just got out of play practice and was being driven home when my mom said she had found “some pictures…of some men…” in my room. Immediately I turned the deepest shade of red possible for a human being. I wanted to die right there and then. I pretty much wormed my way out of it by saying I was only “experimenting” and that I was “sorry.” Then we kinda cried the whole way home in silence. Not even the radio. Definitely on my Top Ten Worst Memories Ever list. Anyway, since then she has only alluded to it once. She is the librarian at my school, so she gets the magazines and books and stuff. When the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition came, she couldn’t put it out on the shelf. She told me to take it. Like, she handed it to me and commanded me to take it. I left it sitting in her office until it disappeared. She also groans anytime there is anything gay on TV. Neil Patrick Harris kisses a guy? *grooooan* Modern Family scene with Mitchell and Cam? *sighhhhhhhh* I watch Glee downstairs while she remains upstairs? *groooooooooooooooooannn* Me: “Mom, why don’t you like Glee? You like musicals….and music….and you work in a high school…” Mom: “I don’t know…” Me: “No, really. Why?” Mom: “I guess I just don’t like how they have a gay high schooler on there.” Seriously? WTH Mom? YOUR SON IS A GAY (Mostly) HIGH SCHOOLER! Not that you make me want to tell you now! So…that’s my rant. I just needed to rant about the last three parts to more than just my own mind. The first two, I at least have friends to commiserate with. :/
Okay, I will admit that I just clicked on this because I wanted to know how you put the umlaut over the U in uber. But your story really sucked me in and I have to say that dude, that's hard. I can definitely commiserate; it's really, really hard to feel like you have to hide your sexuality from anyone, especially a parent. Personally, I thought that the hardest part of coming out was acceptance--for a super (dare I say uber without the umlaut!) long time I was in denial and told myself that it was totally normal to have crushes on other girls and that I was definitely still straight. I tried to convince myself that I had crushes on guys and even tried on a few heterosexual relationships (let's just say they never got too far). Accepting that you are gay and loving yourself because of it is half the battle. But coming out to anyone is incredibly hard. I was lucky in that I didn't have to bring the topic up myself the first time I came out of the closet. I was going on a vacation with my family and packed like 20 GLBT books (I was trying to pick up techniques on a good way to come out). My sister kept asking to borrow books and on like the fourth one she asked if there was a reason why I had twenty GLBT books with me. I couldn't really think of a good answer for that one, so I just told her the truth. I've been incredibly lucky in that almost everyone that I've come out to has been pretty accepting, even my friends who are relatively religious. Honestly, I think this is definitely a topic that you have to bring up with your mom and some point (she's going to figure it out anyway once you start dating guys) and it's incredibly important that she understands this part of your life. You could always take the safe route and wait until you're in college before you come out to your family. My mom was constantly saying demeaning things about homosexuality, but after I came out to her the jokes and stupid little comments stopped. I don't know; you know your mom best and I really don't want to give you the wrong advice. And yes, straight crushes suck. They're so common and they tend to really hurt just because you can't seem to shake them off even though you know they'll never come to anything. Although this guy could be interested if he's been looking at you a lot. Honestly, two years difference isn't all that big. I think if you're really interested in this dude then you should try to get to know him a little better and very sneakily bring up the topic of homosexuality, gay rights, etc. He might let something slip that will let you know more about his opinions and/or sexuality. The fact that he has a girlfriend doesn't really mean anything--I mean look at you! You have a girlfriend and you're mostly gay. Good luck, dude. You've got this. (*hug*) Also, how do you make the umlaut?
OMG, a reply. I was starting to think this would float down, un-commented-on to the unknown depths of page 2. Thank you! I DO plan on dealing with my mom eventually. She'll just have to deal with it. But the crush... I have no classes with him and have never talked to him. I can't just walk up and start blabbin' away. I'll probably just wait it out. As for the umlauts, you use Alt key codes on a PC. It's alt+0252 and alt+0220 for ü and Ü.
Just wanted to hit on the college issue for you a bit. A large portion of students are in the same boat as you in the not rich enough and not poor enough thing. There is tons of money out there for you to get your hands on through grants and scholarships. The hard part is finding them. Google search grants and scholarships until your eyes bleed. Here's a link to a decent size list that I found for you. ---->Scholarships Link Also talk your counselors at school and advisers at colleges. They can probably point you in the direction of some more. Also allow me to let you in on a little secret about these "lesser" colleges you may need to attend. Assuming you're referring to community colleges that is. They are great. Many community colleges will end up giving you a higher quality education than a lot of Universities. Sure its not quite the same as going off and living on campus somewhere but you can also have kick ass social experiences at community colleges. There is tons of benefits to going to community colleges as well. Your student loans will be incredibly less if you spend your first 2 years at a CC before transferring to major UNI. When its all said and done 4 years down the road at graduation you can turn to the guy next to you and tell him hes going to be in debt a lot longer than you are because he went to the UNI for 4 years and you spent half of your time at a CC. You can get a part time job easier while attending a CC as well. You wont be that broke college kid sitting in his dorm. You can have money to go out and do things. Hell you can use your money and go out for a weekend at U of Michigan and live the college experience you think your going to miss. Oh well enough rambling from me. Just trying to give you a different perspective on the issue. Anyways good luck and hopefully you find what you are looking for.
For the AP Calclus problem, I would just try to start the problems as soon as possible and to use every resource you have on it. I was in AP Calc BC last year and whenever my class (there was like 8 of us) got packets of take home problems we would start off doing them ourselves and then we would plan a day where we would all meet up at Dunkin donuts or some place to help and finish it all together. That way everyone had the problems done and understood the process of solving them. I don't know if you are taking the AP exam for Calculus but if you are, don't stress out too much over it. I just reccommend looking over a few things you dont know but don't try to super cram for it becuase it won't help any. Also, don't worry if you end up leaving a lot blank on the exam. It is difficult, but they do not expect you to know everything. Personally, I left a lot blank (especially on the written section) and was completely expecting a 2 but ended up getting a 5. So don't worry if you have trouble on the exam. As for FAFSA, I would reccomend trying to finish that as soon as possible. The earlier you turn your FAFSA in, the more money that the state/fed. has to give out at that point in time. I so feel like a hypocrite at the moment...I haven't done my FAFSA yet, but I plan on having it done by the end of the weekend (if my procrastiation doesnt ruin it). Besides FAFSA, make sure to fill out other applications for loans and grants from other sources like Remk said. And if in the end you do not get it all covered, there are always student loans (but be careful with how much you borrow).
