Since coming out I didn't think I'd ever be starting a thread in this section again. But recently my black dog has made a reappearance....I speak ofcourse of depression. I just need to put down my thoughts again, I don't particularly know what I'm looking for by creating this thread, I just need someone to talk to and you people are good listeners. I say my depression, I've never actually been diagnosed with it, I've never sought medical help. But I've often went through periods of feeling really down since I was a young adolescent. I was a really unhappy teenager and I don't particularly know why. I couldn't ask for a better family, there's never been any problems there. I was a bit of a loner I guess, I used to feel terribly lonely. I never really "fitted in", I was shy, socially awkward and generally quite awful at dealing with people, even though I tried. Add to that mix my confusion over my sexuality, and my subsequent repression of it and I was quite depressed and lonely most of the time. I was quite good at hiding it though, mostly, at least no-one in my family ever really suspected anything was up. I generally sought comfort in listening to music, and I concentrated immensely at school which resulted in me getting really good grades. This delighted my parents and, in a way, the only reason I really try academically is because I don't want to let anyone down, especially not them. It was also a great distraction from everything else in my life. As time went by I started to make friends, real friends, good friends, and I'm now at peace with my sexuality, and out, and everythings fine in that sense. I thought that I'd dispel the despair once I came out and initially I felt really happy. But now, its back :icon_sad: And I don't even know why. I have very little motivation to do anything anymore. I only went to university because I got good grades, and it was expected of me to go. I initially started a course that I hated, mainly because I couldn't stand having to talk in groups of people. I then chose a course that I was good at at school and which required you to work on your own for most of the time. I don't like it either, I'm only there because I don't know what else to do. I can't get motivated to do the work and I only got past the first two years because I didn't want to let my parents down. Its the same this year, I'm only studying for my exams because I don't want to see the disappointment on my parents faces if I failed......the difference is that, this year, I am failing. I've pretty much failed my first exam, done ok in a few others but can't even motivate myself to study for the rest. I try to, I sit down but my mind just isn't interested even though I need to do it. I struggle to see any future for myself. I have no idea what I want to do in life. A lot of the time I just feel completely hopeless. Life seems pointless, I don't think I'll ever feel truly happy, because I don't know what will make me happy. Even though I'm out now I still envision myself being alone for the rest of my days. I try not to think so negatively but I can't help it. These feelings come and go, right now I'm slightly cheered up by watching Planes, Trains and Automobiles on the tv, I feel happy when I can get lost in a film or tv show or something but the reality of life generally brings me down again and quite often I don't even know why. Even when I'm out with a group of people I like, I can be having a great time and then suddenly, like a switch, I hit a great downer and I don't know why. I often feel like the loneliest guy in the world. All I want to do at these moments is go to my bed and sleep and escape evrything. I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm thinking of going to see my doctor but I don't know how he'll help me, and I'm kind of ashamed, I don't know what I'd say to my parents. Plus I feel like I'm ruining everything by doing badly in my course. I feel like such a failure I can't even express how I feel properly. I don't even know where all this came from, I just feel terrible
I don't really think there's anything I can say that you don't already know. Seek therapy and, if your therapist advises, get medicated. You may not need meds, but you definitely need therapy.
Is it possible that you live your life as being a people pleaser and in that sense, you are never pleased with yourself because you have spent your life pleasing others or opening yourself socially?
(*hug*) I could have been writting a big part of your post (minus the being confused with sexuality part), especially the first paragraph. And I know how confusing and painful it is when depression strikes back while you see no reasons for it (it happened to me twice already). The best thing I have ever done for myself, back to the time where I was very depressed and suicidal, was to seek for help. Maybe it's time for you to do the same. There is no reason to feel ashamed for being depressed and to seek for help for this. Would you feel ashamed to go to the doctor if you had a flue ? If not, then it's exactly the same. It's not your fault you're feeling this way. You're still at university, so there is probably a student health care around where you can see a doctor and take an appointment with a counselor. That's exactly what I have done and it was my first step to recovery. Now, letting your friends and family know what's going on would be also helpful. Your parents seems to be great and I'm sure they would like to know what's going on for you and be as supportive as they can. You're not a failure because you're depressed. It's the depression that is making you feel this way. If you ever want to talk about it, feel free to PM me anytime. I've been there (or at least I've been in a similar situation) and even if I can't do much to help you, I always can listen. Take care of yourself (*hug*) Cécile
I think I wrote a similar post to yours a few years ago, I was in the exact same place you were, having had long periods of depression for years. And then when I felt trapped in a degree that I was struggling with, and grades were failing, I was in a very very bad place. You really should try to talk to someone about this. I know that just by posting here you're sharing what you're going through and that will help somewhat, but you should talk to someone, be it a therapist or a close friend. I had to speak about what I was going through just so I was able to acknowledge what I was going through and deal with it. And then even though I wasn't given any groundbreaking advice, I did feel like I had dealt with it and I was ready to move forward. You should think carefully about your options, and where you yourself want to be heading with your career etc. Think about what you love, about what you want to do. After being in your position, I scraped a pass at my degree, then did a postgrad in something I had always wanted to do but felt like it wasn't suitable for me. And doing something that I wanted gave me the motivation to work hard and to do the best I could. Whatever you do, you should be doing it for you. You will not disappoint your parents, I'm sure they'd be much happier if they know you are happy than stuck doing something you dont want to do.
I’m not going to repeat the previous advice here, since it’s all excellent, as always. The longer you’re going to sit on this burden, the heavier it becomes. While talking about it (even if it’s only to friends for a start) can often help to get out of the self-sustaining cycle and on to the road to recovery or getting more help. I had a very similar feeling in my second-to-last year of university. By that time I hadn’t worked out I was gay yet, so that didn’t help, but the main feeling was one of lack of direction. I felt like all I did in life, I did just to follow the wishes of others. I had mainly gotten grades to please my parents, and they had weighed heavily on my choice of what field to study. Instead of using the freedom I had (like my friends seemed to do), I felt like I was drowning in a sea of options, without liking any one of them. So I usually just read my coursework cursorily, and usually played video games when no one was watching. I even failed basic chemistry that year (which is kind of a problem, if you want to go for a degree in chemical engineering ). Best thing I did was talk to some friends of mine about it. Somehow, after telling, it seemed a bit less bad already (not unlike how coming out seems a much bigger deal before you do it than it is when you look back on in). And, as I was surprised to find out, I wasn’t all that alone with my feelings either. There were others who felt just as lost, and after getting all that out of the way I already started feeling less alone. It took some time, but I managed to get back on my feet slowly but surely. Now, it might be that you need more help than just talking to friends, but it’s a start. And I’m sure that your doctor might have some ideas, and there should a guidance councilor in your uni that is used to dealing with these kinds of issues. So you might want to pay this person a visit too. And don’t worry too much about your grades either. One bad grade means comparatively little. I may have failed basic chemistry, but I got my degree all the same, in the end! The important thing is to get your sense of direction back, and the rest will follow from that!
Thank you all for your responses, hearing all of your thoughts and advice really helps, as well as knowing that some of you have experienced the same sort of feelings. I feel less alone about it now, its soemthing that a lot of people deal with I guess. I've decided that I am going to go see my doctor and see what he thinks, I'm going to try and do my best for these exams and then make an appointment to see him after they're finished. If he wants me to get therapy or puts me on medication or whatever then I'll follow his advice. I think its best if I try deal with it now. As for my studies, I'll see how I do in these exams but if I (as I suspect) don't do as well as I'd hoped, I'm going to see someone who works in my department to discuss options, I don't want to do badly because of how I've been feeling. Reading your responses its clear to me that its better to not try and deal with it on your own, rather its better to seek help from others. Its a bit like sexuality in that you try and ignore it and hope it'll go away by itself, rather than facing up to it. So I might mention how I've been feeling to a couple of friends and I'll definitely tell my parents (I don't find opening up to people about how I really feel that easy but I know I should probably tell them). I shouldn't feel ashamed, rather I should be open about it, at least with those closest to me, and get it sorted out. As for what I really want to do in life, and if I am a people pleaser rather than doing what I really want to do, well, there is some truth in that, however the truth is that I really don't know what I want in life. I think I could be doing virtually any course at the moment and I'd still feel the same. Even though I don't particularly enjoy university I don't regret trying to get a degree because I do need to think about getting a job etc. So I'll see it through. That doesn't really motivate me though, I guess I try because my parents would feel proud if I attained a degree and such, and I know I have it in me to do it, its just that there's not really any jobs that appeal to me. I like to write but its more of a hobby rather than anything else. Money doesn't motivate me. I think I need to think more about what I really want out of life rather than thinking about it so bleakly all the time, perhaps I've allowed myself to be sucked into some path that leads to some inevitable rat race/high salary/mind frazzling career rather than doing what I really want to do. I think I'd like to do something that involves helping others in some way, like charity work or something. Maybe I should stop thinking about what is expected of me and think more about what I really want to achieve. My parents aren't pushy at all, and all they do want is for me to be happy, I think I've just been guilty of allowing them to think that this makes me happy, if that makes sense. I dunno, I'm rambling now but yous have got me thinking Anyway, I think you are all right, I can't keep burying this and dealing with it on my own. I'm going to try get help for this. Thank you all again
Possibly not helpful, but I'd like to just chime in that I'm right there with you almost to a tee. I was diagnosed in '07 and currently am the lowest I've been since. And that not knowing why has got to be the worst part! Even if you get to a point where you can tell someone you're suffering they're inevitably going to ask 'what's wrong?'. And 'I don't know', just doesn't sound like a great response. Having no motivation is sucky also. Hang in there!
