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god, where do I even start...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by IThinkInCircles, Jan 18, 2011.

  1. IThinkInCircles

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    I have so many questions and because they're all so different, I don't even know what order to put them in. I can already tell this isn't going to be short.

    here goes... So I'm in questioning mode. I've been for a long time. I would say that I'm not located on either extreme end of the spectrum (straight vs. lesbian), but even that I don't know. Several times, I've put the issue aside, only to come back to it later, full circle. So very touch-and-go.

    I'd say three components (all of which happened within weeks of each other, actually) set off my questioning. I don't think I've ever said this to anyone out loud, so I'm hoping I reach understanding eyes here.
    Four years ago in my freshman year of college, I:
    -#1: Became best friends with a lesbian (will be referred to as LBF, whom I later had a falling out with and never really got things put back together)
    -#2: Became acquainted with the series "The L Word" by LBF
    -#3: Was sexually assaulted by a man

    This is the part where I feel like I have to put a disclaimer:
    I don't think hanging out with a lesbian or watching The L Word turned me gay or made me want to be gay, but between being exposed to a major LGBT media source as well as meeting more of the LGBT community through LBF, I revisited a lot of thoughts that I had experienced in a lighter, less educated way before college. Also went to Chicago Pride twice with LBF. Which was FUN.

    #3, however, has continued to take its toll on me. 3 months prior to the attack, my boyfriend (my first, who I was insanely in love with and trusted) dumped me. That was the last guy I ever really trusted completely. Post-dumping, I went into a dark drinking/party binge, which eventually resulted in said attack. 8 months later I had my very delayed reaction to the incident and went into therapy for 2 years. Therapy period became cluttered with new feelings, both really good and really bad. I developed two different crushes on girls, and fooled about with 4 (all separately of course), got really frustrated and gave up for a while on girls. Also fell for two different guys (which I pursued thinking that I was recovered), one who jerked me around for 8 months and one I actually dated for a year and a half (which ended 3 months ago, due to the fact that my supposed readiness for sexual intimacy kind of undid itself - not a good mark on the Straight Dude scorecard for me).

    During the time that I've been struggling with this, I've put the issue on the backburner the two times I was involved with a man, thinking that, hey, I'm in a straight relationship, I don't need to handle this right now. All the fears that people have about coming out of the closet? Screw it. Not my problem now. I even told my handful of male roommates never to tell my last boyfriend or I'd key all of their cars. Classic avoidance of conflict or stigma. Thus, the rest of the world that I interacted with at any level of outness probably thinks I'm a phony, hence why I feel really awkward/uncomfortable/ashamed going back to the people I once confided in before. I feel like I don't deserve their understanding now.

    But the nosedive that my last relationship took (where sex became an uncomfortable obligation to avoid fighting that also triggered #3 memories) has left me feeling totally unattracted to men from the waist down. In the last 3 months of it, I found myself looking at girls with the occasional butterfly stampede, and I've been having these crazy sex dreams with no men to be found. To make things more complicated, my parents' marriage just fell apart at the hands of sex (guess who wasn't getting enough).

    Right now I'm stuck between constantly rehashing my sexuality, feeling like I really need to know now, and wondering why I'm even bothering because I'm A) on the rebound and B) convinced that no one, gay or straight, in my dating age range will understand or have the patience to wait out my current fear of intimacy (no matter how valid the excuse). In short, I have one killer headache.

    If you got to the bottom of this, I thank you profusely for your patience and attempts to make any sense at all of the nonsense seen above. Any feedback is highly appreciated.

    Thanks,

    Emm
     
  2. Beachboi92

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    well when did you start your sexual interactions with women? Was it following your sexual assault?

    I've read that in incidents of sexual assault/abuse/rape etc etc the victim can develop a resentment towards the sex of the person who perpetrated the act and then this can lead to confusion about their sexuality. So one thing important to figure out is- how long have you felt this confusion? How far back do you remember liking girls?


    But that may not be the case so here is another go at it.
    Here is one method i used to sort out my sexual orientation. I identify as gay when i talk to other people but i am technically queer meaning i fit between straight and gay in a way that i wouldn't say i am gay, bi, or straight. I have felt attraction to woman before, i have dated girls, i probably could still date a girl. However when i think to myself "if i had to choose between my dream man and my dream woman who would i choose? Who would i see myself being more happy with? Who would i rather start a family with?" The answer every time is the guy and so i find myself pursuing men because i like them more xD

    I guess the moral is don't feel a need to put a label on yourself and try to think of indications of where your interest may be.

    Of course i would like to say no straight person has that many interactions with the same sex as far as i've ever heard :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:. Well unless you count "straight" people on craigslist xD
     
  3. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    KaraBulut has a term he uses once in awhile, and it might not be a perfect fit here, but I'll toss it out anyway - "analysis paralysis". That's when you spend too much time trying to "figure out what it all means", thinking that one more piece of the puzzle will make everything clear, and won't take a step forward because you haven't figured it all out yet. But sexuality is often a "figure it out as you go along" sort of thing. You sound like you've perhaps got a better grasp on who you are than you did several years back. Right now, it sounds like:

    1. You're at least open to the idea of a physical relationship with either gender, although perhaps you're leaning a bit towards the female side. In which case "bisexual" covers the bases. It might not be 100% accurate, but it's 100% accurate at the moment. :slight_smile:

    2. You've got some intimacy issues due to a couple factors. Many people do. Just tell any would-be partners that you do, and therefore you might need to "wade into the physical waters" somewhat slower than normal. If you feel more therapy might be helpful, feel free to get some, but if not, I wouldn't overly fret about it.

    Lex
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC.

    I think as we all do at some point or another you are somewhat overthinking things, I did it for a long time. I will say one thing for sure, there are lots of really awesome people here on EC and if you stick around we will all pull together and you will come through so make sure you use us for whatever you need.
    Im sure some people like the mods and advisors will come along and give you some better advice than I can but ill do what I can.

    It cant be easy having been through what you have, but dont give up that noone out there will ever be patient enough to wait for you, when you meet the right person be that a guy or a girl they will wait for as long as it takes, because they wont want to be with you for imtimicy and sex they will just want to be with you, to spend time with you and get to know you.

    I agree with Lex if you feel like some more councilling could help go for it.

    I wouldnt worry about going back to the people you confided in before im sure they will understand, sexuality isnt black or white, and just because you chose to be with a girl or guy it shouldnt exclude you from ever going back. You can only label yourself with whatever feels right at that moment, it doesnt mean you were lying or wrong at any point.

    Perhaps you could find an LGBT group near you, not neccessarily for a girlfriend but just for some support and a friendly ear.