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On Vacation-Having a bit of a rough time.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by katmando, Oct 15, 2007.

  1. katmando

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    Hey Guys:

    I am on vacation and am having a bit of a rough time. I am at my cabin's with his girlfriend and him. I think I will be here till Wed or so.

    I posted to a friend that I kind of like her in, but in truth I do not. I think I may have posted on here that I liked her(I kind of torture myself if I said something in one place or change my mind in another place) I think part of the other reason was because in my head, I wanted to like to her, but I tend to try to like people I do not care for. I don't feel like I can be myself when I am around her.

    The other thing that kind of upsets me is for a year they thought I was pranking them and hanging up on them. I never was. So when I was out with my dad yesterday, someone was calling her and hanging up on her. She said she wanted to apologize for asking my dad if it was me this time. I said do not worry about it, but in truth it does hurt some. I have had a rocky relationswhip with my dad, so I could sort of understand why she might of thought that(I told her that) Then I started t get paranoid and was worried that my mom was going to call and tell them about the "kill her" comment I made to her about 3 weeeks ago.

    I guess I am suppose to being having a good time, but I am NOT. Its now been 3 weeks ago since I made the comment that I said to my mom I wanted to "kill her" when in a fit of rage. I have still NOT forgiven myself to my mom for making that comment and it has been driving my crazy. non stop. At one point I was having a good time, and I kind of thought I should not for the comment I made

    I told my other doc who prescribes meds what I did and told him how I discussed "the kill her" comment on another forum and the comments were edited, because the person said there could be legal ramifications(meaning if I acted on) He said people on forums do not know you, so its not always good to say or express certain things. My regular doc(who I like) I see said my writing is a good way of expressing myself, but I am thinking I should keep it more to myself.

    I think by now or hope people realize I would never do such a thing to my mom. The other doc who I do not see that often and usually just for meds me told me he wouldn't be surprised if I have more rage attacks in general. He does not see me all that much and I was disappointed by this comments, because in truth I really not feel like I am like that(Sure, I have lost my temper, before and did things I regret, but I am usually very level headed and mild manner). I am not having a fun time with my dad. I can not wait till Wed to come back home.

    Thanks for letting me share.
    Justin
     
    #1 katmando, Oct 15, 2007
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2007
  2. Louise

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    Hi Justin, just try to lighten up a bit on yourself. I think you should change your second doctor, hearing someone you are meant to respect and turn to in times of need tell you such negative things isn't going to help you.

    You know the person you are, I have a pretty good idea of the person you are and I don't think for a single instant you would act on the words you said. We have all of us done and said things that we regret except that you can't turn back the clock and un say the words or undo the deeds you HAVE to learn to live with it and TRY at least to forgive yourself.

    Not wanting to be mean but I get the impression that in your fit of rage with your mum you reverted back in time to the little boy Justin who screams out his hurt and anger 'I hate you, I'm going to kill you'. Who has never heard a child say those words and who in a childish tantrum has never said them?... very few of us if we are brutally honest. However, at no time has that child the slightest intention of carrying out those words. They are just a means of hurting the person they are being said to. I think it was the sad, unhappy little boy Justin who screamed those words at his mother, not the loving sensitive man Justin.

    Forgive yourself. You are a good, sensitive and loving person. Belive in yourself. You know, if you are honest with yourself,that your mother can't love you the way your need and deserve to be loved and this hurts you but it is not your fault. This problem comes from her, not you. You shouldn't have said those words but then she shouldn't have pushed you to the limits of your emotional endurance. Can you not accept that you were both wrong, both to blame and take some of the pressure off yourself? You are a human being not a saint, you have the right to make a bad call. Apologise and turn the page. If you keep picking at a scab it will never heal.

    Even if you are having a hard time with your dad, try to see something positive. OK, to be drastic; at least your dad is alive and you have contact with him. My dad died when I was 21 and still hadn't come out of the adolescent teenage years of sighing and rolling my eyes at everything he said and did. I was poisonous to my dad who never did anything but love me unconditionally and then he went and dropped down dead of a heart attack!

    Any time not spent arguing with your dad is good time, your dad loves you or he wouldn't still be bothering with you, use this to build something between you in the future. YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST so there is little point beating yourself up about it.

    I know what I am talking about I made some truely terrible choices in the years following my dad's death, that didn't bring him back and it certainly didn't change the way I had behaved towards him so I just had to live with my guilt AND my bad choices!!! Don't do this to yourself:frowning2: Please!

    Try to make the best of your time with your dad over the next few days, even if it isn't much fun... it's better than nothing :kiss: (&&&)
     
    #2 Louise, Oct 15, 2007
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2007
  3. Ilayis

    Ilayis Guest

    Well I'm sorry your not having a real good time.With the whole kill her thing,I'd apologize to her if you feel that bad about it.You say your level headed and mild mannered.If you are,and you disagree on something,or angered by someone and don't express it,your building up anger.Soon enough you'll build up so much anger from different things,that you won't be able to hold it anymore and take it out on the wrong person.
     
  4. katmando

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    hey there

    I have decided I am going to write my mom an apology note. I don't feel comfortable speaking to her any longer. And then try and move on. As for as the doctor goes it was really my original doc the one who prescribes meds that I do not see that often that I have a problem with and disappointed in him. I have told my current therapist some of the other comments he has made in general and I get the sense he thinks he has been unprofessional.

    I am going to find another doc for meds, but still keep talking to my regular therapist.

    Louise, thanks for the time and posting. Your post was helpful. Its amazing what a good read you have on me.
     
    #4 katmando, Oct 16, 2007
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2007