I am gay and over men

Hi there, and welcome to EC!

I'm sorry that your experiences have been less than great so far with other guys. However, I can assure you that not all gay guys are as you've described. In fact, if you were to read more here on EC, I think you'll find that there are a LOT of quality guys here who would say they want the same things you do.

(Not to suggest that you're to use this site as a dating site - because you're not! Just to say that you're not the only guy out there who feels that way.)

I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now and we are planning to get married this summer. We do not have nor do we want an open relationship.

 

^ I don't have any good advice, really, I just wanted to let you know that I agree with you, and I feel the same way. I'm a very loyal/monogamous person by nature, and the levels of infidelity and various related dramas I've witnessed in the queer community are shocking to me, to say the least. There are so many things about the LGBTQ community that I love, but this is one aspect that I absolutely detest.

I think it's mostly because I don't want people to think that just because I'm gay, I'm also promiscuous or open to an open relationship by default. I feel like I'm a pretty sexually liberated person, and I'd probably seriously consider an open relationship if it was brought up to me by a significant other, but I don't see the need for a nonchalant attitude towards infidelity or promiscuity. (Don't get me wrong, I think anybody has the right to do whatever they want, but I just don't think it's necessarily that healthy of a lifestyle.) To me, infidelity is more about a violation of trust between friends than it is about sexual gratification or whatever.

I can only think of one friend I have who is gay (among many) who has not cheated on his boyfriend. That's crazy to me. I can't imagine betraying someone whom you're supposedly that affectionate of. Why would you ever deliberately hurt them?

 

Welcome to EC, and sluts are in both sides of the bridge.
You must have been having bad luck=(
Not all gays are sluts...

 

Sadly, I do agree, a lot of gays are somewhat slutty imo.

 

So where are you meeting said guys?

 

Ugh you know I swear to God it amazes me people's opinion of their own community. I'm going to say this right now, if you are meeting slutty gay men (and women) you are clearly not looking in the right places. If you are meeting them in bars, or online (well like online hook up sites I should say) yeah you're kind of going to get slutty guys. The fact is if you're only finding slutty guys your problem is that you are LOOKING. Looking for a boyfriend only gets you cheaters, sluts, and idiots. If you want the right guy, then wait for him. I found my boyfriend of four and a half months (so far ) by not looking for him, he found me. So if you want to find a good guy, then wait for it. AS painful and annoying as that is to hear, it's true.

 

You gotta ask yourself though, do you have unrealistic standards? I mean, if you date outside of your league, then obviously, it won't last long in an environment that is more promiscuous. I mean the reason the gay world is more promiscuous is because we openly accept that sexual openness is a contributor to the overal well being of the body. In order for you to retain the interest of someone for a long time, you gotta ask yourself what aspects of your personality do they find unattractive, and try to change that. Often, at least in my mind, I've gotta be enthralled by someone in order to love him, and gotta love him in order to overlook shortcomings. If you even jump but one step you'd see that your relationships will be based on flawed premises and your love based on incorrect and often unilateral wishful thinking.

Learn of the way in which these proper hetero couples meet and date and commit to a relationship, and apply it in your strategy.

One other thing is age. Depending on your target dating age/generation, people have different habits and mindsets. So don't try to put one big generalization on all gay people.

 

THANK YOU someone gets it! When I finally enjoyed being single, my boyfriend appeared. I think there's some rule that, while doesn't physically exist, in a way it does exist. Basically the rule I believe exists that until you are happy being alone, you can never find a lasting relationship because you have to allow yourself to be happy alone even in a relationship. Yes your with someone, but for the first part of a relationship you're still two people so you kind of have to be able to be happy.

 

This is probably true, and it can be explained logically. If you are not happy alone, then chances are you will be clingy, and no normal person in their right mind likes a clingy perosn. Then the only people that tend to come into your life in that situation are people who maybe consciously or subconsciously taking advantage of you.

 

People say we have to enjoy being single before we find a good partner, but if you enjoy being single, then why would you want to be in a relationship? I understand this point of view, seriously, but it is also contradictory. I guess this was the problem with my last relationship. It didn't work out because I was feeling oddly fine being single, though I know there were also other problems that prevented us from being together. I was just tired of being involved in open relationships I never wanted to be. And no, I haven't had a boyfriend until now.

 

Yeah I think zera is correct. All my other boyfriends I was quite clingy with and up until my current, I never liked being single. Always looking, always searching and basically clung to anyone who would date me. Now it's not a case of clinging, it's simply a case of enjoying each others company, and just being happy being together.