Life's Choices

For all of my teenage years, I've simply just ignored my sexual and interpersonal desires (of having a relation and share love with someone). I believed in the power of purity of mind as any youngster might who enjoy reading a few fantasy novels here and there. I focused my attention in school work, avoided social events like parties, and I graduated my high school and university with top grades, and now I've got a really good job. So in a sense, all the dedication to this purity business is paying off. I should feel happy about my life right?

But I don't, you see. I feel bottled up and tainted. I cannot share my happiness with anyone, because I cannot even accept it myself. My mom asks me why do I choose to be lonely all the time, why not find a nice girl and live a more fulfilling life by sharing each other's joys. I told her I have no interest in girls and cannot be happy with any. But truly I cannot. I've already come to grips with that, and have no fantasies about living a life of lies. So she asks me if I want to bring home a boyfriend....

... but I cannot come out of the closet either. Through my youth I've made many friends, they are ones who've been focused on academics just like I have, but without my motives. These are people from all over the world and subscribe to all kinds of religious or philosophical ideologies, one of my best friend, who has helped me in a lot of things, is a muslim who as some of you might guess, believes that homosexuals should be "stoned to death". I'm going to lose these friends for sure if I came out of the closet. I cannot bare the thought of that.

I am 23, but based on these facts, I've pretty much decided to live a joyless life of mundane existence. I once had dreams, that my energy and focus will be put to good use and expand mankind's abilities in defying nature, but I am no longer delusional that it will somehow be a fulfilling life.

Don't get me wrong, I still love my career. But in my life, I pretty much have to have no work/life balance. It has to be all work and no life. This particular post is pretty much a declaration of the killing of a "self" that I once believed in. And sometimes I ponder the question why I keep living a life like this... a life where I "stand by the side as I watch it pass by, so unhappy, but as safe as could be".... why not just jump right to the end and save the earth a lifetime of energy and resources for another person to enjoy.

I'm sure I'm not the only one with this view. Feel free to chime in if you've got some story you want to have an internet heart-to-heart with.

 

It seems to me that you've been more concerned about fulfilling other aspects that are external to your personal life than trying to found your own happiness. You've never felt the desire of having a relationship before, but now it seems that you'd like to give it a try. In my opinion, you should just forget about all your preconceived ideas and start focusing on what you really want for you. I think you should try balancing your social life/work life. If you don't feel like being with a woman, why don't you try meeting some new men? I know that you may now be worried about what your friends might think when they found out, but if they really like you as a friend, they should accept you as you are. If you're confused about your feelings, feel free to share your thoughts or concerns. I hope you get over this.

 

I don't feel confused about my feelings. There are pros and cons to every choice, and I feel that my personal situation does not allow me to be in a relationship despite wanting to experience it right now. And i dont feel that I agree with "if they really like you as a friend they should accept". I don't have the right to demand that friends accept me, at least, I don't feel like I do. They owe me nothing.

 

Why doesn't your personal situation allow you to experience a relationship? Everyone has the right to love and be loved and nobody has anything to do with it.

Exactly!

 

Sometimes where you live, who your social circles are, and who you are in society has a bearing on personal relationships whether one likes it or not. Situations can put pressure on and break up both hetero and homosexual relationships, can't they? I have too much pressure to risk bringing misery to someone else's life. No, thing is, I am uncomfortable to accept fully what I am. Whoever I'm with will have to live a secret life, for me. It's just not right to do that to someone I love.

 

Have you already thought that there must be someone who wouldn't mind having a secret relationship with you?! My parents don't know that I'm gay, so I can't have a relationship other than a secret one. But before I start a relationship, I tell people that I'm still in the closet and ask them if they're okay with it. I won't stop having relationships just because my parents don't know or because I'm afraid of what other people may think. It's my life. If I don't live it, who will?

 

Metaseries, you must be very brave. I think I will try to work towards finding happiness, but it is going to be slow. I just got off the phone with my mom and dad and tried to tell them i am not confused about my sexuality and I've always known who I was. But as I said parents are not the more difficult audience for my revelation, they are the easiest. the hardest are the friends that I really like to keep. How do you deal with friends? Other than throwing away the ones that can't bend their heads around. any advice?

 

Now I can tell you I'm brave. Actually, all my life I had to deal with a lot of problems that made me become this strong person I am today. I had no friends, I was teased at school because people called me gay, and I did nothing to stop that. I used to cry a lot and I had no support from friends. I even considered suicide for more than once. I was in denial until I found friends who were always there to help. When I told them, they supported me and helped me accept myself more easily. Now I'm stronger than ever before, but the world isn't perfect, yet. At university, my colleagues don't know that I'm gay, at least all of them, but I don't really care. I just don't tell them because I don't know what's gonna be their reaction, and I still need people to work with me. After all, we still have to have a professional relationship. It's not just a friend/colleague I lose, I also lose the opportunity to work with them again, and I don't really want that. But if they ask me, I won't deny it. Last week, one of these colleagues asked me if I was gay and I didn't deny it. I knew that I could compromise our professional relationship, but I'm conscious that they all know that I'm gay there, even if they don't ask. It's just something they might not feel comfortable to talk about, so they just don't bring that to our conversations.

Now, if you still want to be friends with those that you know wouldn't accept it, I recommend you not coming out to them. Not all of your friends need to know that. It's your life, they have nothing to do with it. I have some friends I decided not to come out to them due to their religion, ideas or whatever, but I didn't stop living my life just because of them. Now if you ask me if we are really good friends, the answer is no. Since we don't have the confidence to share these things, we don't really know each other for who we are. They are nice people I talk to sometimes, but they're definitely not my best friends. Because all of my best friends know these important aspects that define me and my personality. It's important for your friends to accept you for who your are. When I started coming out to my closest friends, we became even closer friends. It felt like our friendships were getting stronger and stronger, as if we were throwing down all the barriers between us. It's a wonderful sensation and now I know in whom I can really trust.

But please, don't quit living your own life. If your parents are not a problem to you, you'll see you'll find awesome people that will love you no matter what. I'm not telling you it's easy, because it's not. It took me 15/16 years to accept me and then more 2/3 years to find the awesome friends that I now have. It takes time, but you'll see it was worth the waiting. You just need to be around the people that will always love you and support you. As I said before, it's not going to be easy, but you've got to be strong! You'll see you'll be a stronger person in the long run. We are here to help you with everything! Good luck!

 

I agree with all that you've said, but to do it is going to be hard. Thanks for trying to help me, I do appreciate kind words like this, which is why I signed up on this forum anyway.

 

I would like to stop shunning away people for fear of getting to know them better, and get out more and do more enjoyable things. But I have developed a habit of shunning social events, and I became a habitual introvert.

Do you have any advice in stopping this? I just want to be more out going now and live a better life for myself.

 

Thanks for the suggestion, I shall start asking about going to places and doing things.

As I said my former self is a dying thing, it is based on unrealistic beliefs with no facts to back it up. I am ready to kill him and resurrect into a new person, I want to, but with fears.

 

I know, but I am not good at talking to people.

 

I enjoy reading, which takes my mind to a fake world.

I enjoy gaming, which takes my mind to a fake world.

I enjoy working, which takes my mind.... To a world of it's own.

I don't think these help =P