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Being sure

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by foreverfresh17, Jan 21, 2011.

  1. Ok, I had seen this site a few years ago, but I just recently joined. This is supposed to be a place where I can go for support, so I'm reaching out. This is going to be really long but it's necessary.

    So I'm like, bi? or something. The best way I can put it is I'm not straight, but not completely gay. I have been physically and emotionally attracted to both girls and guys. I'm 18, and I had been confused about this since the 8th grade, until March of last year when I "came out to myself" and stopped denying these feelings.

    I guess I'm sure about it, but still not, I feel like I still need something to solidify who I am. I feel like I keep wanting to label myself, even though I know I shouldn't worry about defining myself as something specific, I should just be me. But this is something that just bothers me.

    I'm not out, I only discussed these feelings with my parents. I came out to them as bisexual. And they were confused, because I've never had a girlfriend, so they didn't think I could be sure. They're supportive and love me and it's not a bad situation, but they told me I'm just confused. Which I am, but I feel like they didn't get that I'm definitely not straight, or something like that.

    To make it weirder, I hadn't even kissed a girl until the end of last year. I've never had any physical contact like that with a guy. Saying that, I'm obviously a virgin. I don't believe in "saving it," but I'm not gonna just go and do it: it'll happen when it happens. However, I can't help but feel like having sex will be the only way to know and be sure. For some reason, sex seems like an answer. I went as far as to make a profile on a gay hook-up site. I got messages from people who obviously want a one-night stand, and a middle-aged man repeatedly messaged me even though I never replied to him once. It was creepy and stupid and I'm kinda disappointed I went that far. I deleted the profile a few weeks after joining.

    I might be just beating around the bush and still be in denial. I just don't know what to think. I want a straight up answer but I can't talk to anyone about this, I'm terrified. I was actually gonna post this in the anonymous discussions forum, but I decided to take a step forward. I need some support or advice, I need something.
     
  2. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    Well, I think that when you are older, and life becomes more serious and busy that you are left with very little time for yourself outside of the daily grind of work, you will know better who you want to spend your precious time with.

    In my case, I've just basically ignored anything to do with love and relationships until now I am 23, and each of my very short night feels precious, and I know that I want to spend it with a male and not a female, if only I lived in an environment or condition where I can do it without worry.
     
  3. Ridiculous

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    Welcome to EC :slight_smile:.

    I wouldn't take what you parents said to heart. You don't need to try anything to confirm your feelings. In fact I would even say rushing out and trying things may make you regret it when you look back. Instead I would give it time, passively observing what you are and aren't attracted to before trying anything serious with someone else before you are ready.

    On the topic of a label, I define bisexuality as being sexually attracted to both genders. I do sometimes have romantic attraction towards females, but wouldn't call myself bisexual because I don't have any sexual attraction (not that I've experienced yet anyway).

    You could also research the Kinsey scale, which is a way of defining your sexuality using a points scale (i.e. 0=heterosexual, 6=homosexual, 3=bisexual). It's a good way of defining sexuality in less black-and-white terms.
     
  4. jrnewton2

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    My parents called me "confused" too. The reality is that your parents are going to project their confusion onto you. For some reason, a lot of parents hope that their kid will turn out "normal" in the end.

    However, I don't think you would be questioning it at all if you weren't queer, so you can at least take that label if you think you need one. I'd say that, if you can, you should move somewhere where you can define yourself rather than living with the labels you've grown up with. That way, you can just follow your feelings instead of worrying about outside pressure.

    But whatever you do, don't feel guilty about the way you feel.
     
  5. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Many, many parents roll out the "confused" banner when their child says he is gay or bisexual. It's part of the denial process. Whenever we have any sort of loss to deal with, we go through stages (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) and in this case, the "loss" is the loss of perception of yourself (or as their son) as a straight male.

    So the "Oh, you're confused" is a way of denying what you're telling them. And it's possible you are still processing this within yourself, and dealing with those stages of loss internally as well.

    And... sex isn't really the answer. If you go out and hook up with someone, you'll likely have a very unfulfilling experience that probably won't really answer the question, because sex itself, without an emotional connection, doesn't mean much to most people.

    But you can tell pretty well by just looking at yourself and your behaviors. What do you look at when you walk down the street? Guys or girls? What do you notice when you watch a movie? Flip through a magazine? When you watch porn, are you watching gay or straight porn? If straight porn, are you watching the guys or the girls? When you masturbate without porn, whom do you dream of?

    Answering those questions -- honestly -- will help you get an understanding of where your orientation lies. And then, when you find the right person (guy or girl) and decide to have sex... the experience will be that much more enjoyable.
     
  6. IThinkInCircles

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    Although the first time is pretty awful in general, sex can also be super terrible with people you expect it to be awesome with. It's a chemistry thing, I think. I wouldn't go that far for that answer.
     
  7. Phoenix

    Phoenix Guest

    I've never been sure of what I am. But I realized it's okay. I wasn't sure if I liked girls, but I went for them anyway. I wasn't sure if I liked boys but I went for them anyway. The only thing I've conclusively gathered from all of it is that in general boys tend to give me more satisfaction. My encounters with women have been perfectly enjoyable, but it always feels like something's missing, and I don't get that feeling with men.

    I wouldn't say you're confused just unsure. Confusion to me carries a sort of negative connotation where as not being sure is similar to not being straight; you're having a hard time saying what you are so it's easier to say what you're not. You know you're not straight but you also know you're not sure of your orientation. Which I believe is fine. If you find a girl who you click with and feel like you want to go after, do so. Same with a guy. I've never believed that being unsure of something should be a limitation or something that should hold you back. Especially in something like life where you never know what will happen next.