Lately I've become really, really tired out due to my overly dependent boyfriend. Feeling this way really makes me feel terrible, as I feel like I should always be there for him, and I want to be, but it's just tiring me to death. To make things clear, I'm an exchange student living in China, but right now I'm back at home in Canada for one month. My boyfriend lives in China in a city about 3 hours away from the city I live in there. When we are together everything is perfect, as long as I am spending time with him I am so happy and so is he. I really cherish the times we have together and therefore I have grown to love him, and I really want him in my life. The issue begins any second I show any interest in anything but him. We also have a sort of long distance relationship as he lives 3 hours away from me, I see him on weekends and on holidays, I've recently spent about a week and a half long holiday with him entirely staying at my place, it was great, but even when I had to leave to do tests a few times he would often get depressed, from a mere few hours alone. I should have seen this coming a long time ago, as when he would first come over for weekends he would get really angry/sad if I would go do my tutoring work for an hour or two, which I thought wasn't entirely unreasonable, considering I had an obligation to my student, but ultimately I quit my tutoring job because he couldn't take it, even for two hours a week. When we're not together, if I don't text him for even a few hours he becomes angry/depressed. I know he loves me and I love him, but his happiness entirely revolves around my constant attention, stemming of course from insecurity and other issues. He's not out so he has very few to talk to other than me, and he feels like nobody loves him in his family. He's said a few suicidal things in the past few days, but I've talked him into getting back up. But I know that if I were to not be there for him, or dump him, he would be in a very dangerous situation with potential suicide. I love my boyfriend, but he has so many issues and constantly tending to him is driving me tired into the ground. I am trying to do things I want to do, go out to see friends I haven't seen in almost a year since I've returned home, but I spent the entire day I was at my friend's house yesterday talking to him, and I'm staying up late talking to him every night. This is my first boyfriend. Am I the one in the wrong here? Do I just not have enough time and commitment to have a boyfriend? What do I do? Where do I start? Should I bring up the issues of clinginess with him now or is our situation too delicate? I have discussed it carefully before, but I think in order to get my point across I need to be much more clear. And how can I explain that I really love him, really want to be with him, but he needs to hold off a little bit? Or should I just attack the root of the problem, his insecurity? I want to help him become happy, and I am willing to help him get through all these issues he has, but I need ways to keep my own sanity as I do so, or I will break and things will go down for both of us. Advice please!!
Well your bf is codependant. I guess for the relationship to work you need to stand your ground and say that even though you love being with him, at times you need some space. With his disorder of being sucidal in the past you can suggest to him to go and seek some professional help, such as an counsellor or an psychatrist.
Let me analyze it for you, shall I? I think you could just be honest with him and tell him that you love him but his clinginess is just getting into the way of your life and it's affecting your career, etc. And if he values keeping you in his own life, he's got to just take a look at his own behavior and correct It.
You need to bring this up with him as soon as possible. A relationship does not mean throwing everything over for the other person (unless both parties want to). You need to make it clear to him that a relationship involves give-and-take on both side. Relationships always need work, but they should never become a chore. And his demands and demeanor are turning what should be a pleasant and positive experience into a chore. He needs to be made aware that should this relationship continue to be a chore, you'll need to re-evaluate whether it's a positive experience. And you will not be manipulated into throwing over your life for him. That last bit is key. He can't be made to think that every time he makes the metaphorical pouty-face, you'll drop everything to tend to him. He needs to be able to stand on his own without you from time to time. And you need to be made aware that if he DOES become despondent or suicidal if you break up, you won't be doing him any favors by caving. You will not be holding him up - he will be dragging you down. Lex
Also, I just thought of something. Could his insecurity come from a cultural difference/prejudice-view of what Canadians do? I mean, it sounds like he's never seen the "western world" before if he is in China.
