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new to this...just looking for help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Connor, Jan 24, 2011.

  1. Connor

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    I've read a lot of the posts in here and at times it helped and then other times I just wish I could be brave like all of you seem to be....So I guess I'm just looking for some help or advice on what to do.

    I'm 19 and out of state at school and definitely not out. This last year I've finally been able to admit to myself I'm gay. Even though just typing that right now or saying it out loud feels weird. Anyways.. I guess I started to know I like guys in middle school. Tried to do the whole its a phase it'll go away thing for awhile. Turns out it didn't. haha Then I was like ok I'll be bi. I can still date and someday marry a girl, have kids, my family won't hate me and my friends won't disown me.

    Tried this for like 3 years even though deep down I knew I had no attraction to girls at all.

    I guess I'm just sick and tired of hiding who I am and living this big lie. I'm sick of putting on this "show" and front for everyone. I truly have maybe two friends and then like 3 guys who I secretly met online and talk to that I can be my real self around. It sucks that I call some of my friends my best friends when I have to lie to them and just constantly make sure they don't find out my secret. I even have a few friends who are gay and they seem happy and I just cant bring myself to come out.

    Honestly coming out would be a pretty big surprise to most people casue I put on this straight act pretty well. But probably to maybe my mom and my best friend (girl) they would say "Yeah it's about time you tell me" My mom has dropped the whole "You can tell us anything....we love you the way you are" And my friend will say "Oh Connor's like my gay friend" when were in a group of people....."sometimes I worry about you" jokingly

    But then most of my guy friends both at home and at school are kinda not gay friendly and make jokes and talk shit about gay people. And yes I know that "If they're my real friends they'll accept me no matter what" But still I don't want to lose my few friends at school and ruin friendships with they guys I literally grew up with.

    AHHH I'm sorry for how long and rambling this is. I just needed to get it off my chest and look for any advice from anyone. Thanks
     
  2. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    I am a few years older than you and what you described is more or less same situation as me. I recently told my parents after reading these forums, and after getting the idea across that it was not a confusion but something I am sure of, i was relieved I no longer had to worry on the family side. So if urs had dropped those hints, tell them. I had previosly lied to their face and denied 3 times directly when they asked if I were gay. it was very pride-hurting to admit I've lied but it was awesome at the same time.

    On the friend side, I am more or less stuck in the same boat as you. I know that my friends crack gay jokes all the time but I think they're progressive people except for a few in the circle that aren't lying when they say bad things about homosexuals which breaks my heart. I too don't want to abandon them based on the fact of this one disagreement. I haven't told any friends except for this woman I've met online that I could talk to and not only did she accept that but she also didn't make any fuss about it whatsoever, sort of just like ok you're gay that's interesting and we continued on what we were talking about before that. This leads me to be inclined towards outing myself to some friends.

    I hope my story can wash away some of your fears and at least tell ur parents. But since we are in the same boat pretty much, with the same type of friends, I'm probably willing to tell my friends if you did it lol. Let me know how it all works out for you.
     
  3. Idonteven

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    hey, your post wasn't rambling at all. I'm terrible at advice so bear with me (*hug*)

    what you've described is pretty much how it was for me. I assumed liking guys was just a phase for me and I too thought that its ok, I'll just date and marry a girl one day. But I had no attraction to women and I was fed up of trying to lie to myself, let alone putting on the act I was for others. The first person I ever told that I liked guys was a friend I met online who I gamed with, and he was very homophobic so It was a test run for me, to see how he'd respond. He was fine with it. Turns out his jokes about gays were just what guys do to seem more straight and manly :lol:

    The first two people I came out to were my sister and then my mum. It was a surprise for both of them but the liberating feeling I felt was amazing. I was petrified of telling them even though I knew they'd be understanding and accepting of me and the way I told them if it had been recorded would probably be comical to watch.

    My suggestion is to tell your mum and best friend, the two people who'd understand the most right? :slight_smile: Its amazing what difference it makes having someone else know.
     
  4. MIJ VI

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    Welcome to EC Connor. :slight_smile:

    You might want to come out to your gay friends. In general gays love straight-acting & looking guys. The response that you'll likely receive should make it easier to come out to others.
     
  5. xequar

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    I understand this completely, and I think a fair number of us here have been down a very similar road, including me.

    Here's the trick, though-No one ever puts on as good of a straight act as they think they do, so here's how it'll play out. Some people already know. Your mom, your friend, et cetera will essentially say that it was about time. A bunch more people will not be surprised at all, as they'll rapidly connect some disparate pieces of information, like the fact that as you describe, one of your best friends is essentially what was once called a f-- hag.

    Then, there will be the ones that legitimately thought you were straight. But here's where it gets fun-they'll be surprised at first. But, once you've been out for a bit and you relax, you'll start to let the entirety of who you are as a person show, and those people will see how all the pieces fit together. Several of the members of one group of my friends all told me that it was like I became a complete person after I came out, instead of just "guy".

    And in the odd case there is someone that doesn't accept it, well, fuck 'em. And yes, it is really that easy to say, and only a bit harder to do. Life's too short to burden yourself with toxic people that aren't going to be there for the long haul. At first it's hard to consider cutting people with whom you're close out of your life, but eventually, you'll grow tired of constantly dealing with those people and you'll realize it's just not worth it. At some point a survival instinct will kick in.

    It'll be good, trust me. Coming out will make you a stronger and more complete person.
     
  6. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    None of us signed up for the gay thing. We all discovered it on our own time, came to grips with it, and started moving forward. Some did it at age 7, some at age 17, some at age 47. The players might change, but the route is familiar. :slight_smile:

    Looks like you're doing the important first step. You're coming out to the most important person first - you. You're getting used to the idea, and you're feeling more comfortable with it. Keep that up! You might stick around and post around here some more. I've found that the more people interact with other gays, the easier the transition is. You'll find less of a disconnect ("Gays are like THIS, but I'm like THAT") that some people can develop. And you'll probably end up feeling better about yourself quicker. :slight_smile:

    In regards to coming out, you've gotten some good advice above. Let me just add to it by saying that nearly always, people take a cue from you. If you pull someone aside, break down crying, and bawl "I have this HORRIBLE secret to share"...they're going to treat it like a horrible secret. But if you OWN it, if you treat it like it's not that big a deal, they'll be much more likely to do the same. You can say something like "I feel comfortable enough with myself, and with you, to tell you something that's been weighing on me awhile. I'm gay. I think you're a good enough friend that I can share this info with you now. I'm still working on telling everybody else, so I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anybody else while I work on that."

    Lex
     
  7. jrnewton2

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    Hmmmm, they've got the basics covered. Here's 2 cents.

    My advice is, if you're planning on coming out soon, start by dropping the act. Learn to be yourself around your friends so coming out will be more natural. There were quite a few people that I told because they mentioned a guy (in my most memorable instance, James Franco :grin:) and we started talking about how cute he was. Then the sudden look of realization is pretty amusing. Just practice saying the stuff you've been trying to hold down, and you'll be under a lot less pressure when you come out. Stop talking about hot girls if you do. Talk about, I dunno, Glee or Lady Gaga lol. Whatever you're into. Being honest and natural takes a lot of practice, especially since you've been putting on an act for so long, but doing it will make this whole transition smoother.

    And don't forget you've got thousands of strangers pulling for you! (*hug*)
     
  8. guacj

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    Even though everyone has a coming out that is unique to them we all share the struggle that comes with first accepting ourselves. It has taken you this long to come to accept that you are gay so dont feel like you need to rush into coming out. We all know how you feel. I wasnt able to fully come to terms with who I am until I was 23 and then it still took me months to come out to one of my friends who I knew would be more than accepting since she is a lesbian. The best thing I can say to you is to live one day at a time. Do what feels comfortable for you, and dont let anyone pressure you to do anything that you are not comfortable with. My biggest regret with coming out is not being the one that told my dad that I am gay. This is not something that we can chose and it is not what defines us. It is just part of who we are. As far as acting gay or straight, this to me is just saying weather or not you chose to exemplify stereotypes. Be who you feel you really are. If that means wearing a rainbow flag like a cape or not that is up to you. You dont need to feel like you need to act a certain way just because your gay. I feel like I'm rambling on here too. Like I said just be yourself, and if you still are. You will be ready to come out when it is right for you and you are the only one that will know when that time is.

    Good Luck!
     
  9. hplsromantic

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    i thought i was really good at hiding it when i was closeted, but when i came out a bunch of people told me they suspected it, and there tended to be a lot of gossip. it's obvious to people that something's up, what i find interesting is that more people mistake me for straight now that i'm openly gay than they did when i was closeted.

    it's scary to tell anyone, especially since you only fully admitted it to yourself fairly recently. i'd say, get used to the idea, just say it to yourself every so often until it doesnt seem weird anymore. then once you're more used to the idea you can begin telling your mom, who wont care, and your friends (your gay friends will probably be really happy, and since they've gone through the same thing, they should know how important this is as long as you tell them not to spread the word)
     
  10. MIJ VI

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    I do believe you have it surrounded hplsromantic. :slight_smile:
     
  11. Connor

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    Hey thanks for all the advice. At times I feel like I'm alone and the only one in this boat and it's nice to know I'm not.

    I'm not quite ready to come out to anyone yet, but I know that eventually I need to.

    I just don't want to be I guess defined by my sexuality. I hate that I have to be "Connor who is gay" and not like Connor who is so much more, who just also happens to be gay.

    It's not like my friends have to have this big coming out and moment in their lives to let everyone know they're straight.

    Some times I just wish I would find myself getting caught somehow or someone would just ask me and I could be like yeah I am. But I guess soon I will just have to take some initiative and do it myself.

    But really thanks for all the help from everyone, it means a lot!
     
  12. Lexington

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    Well, "define" is a really nebulous concept. For most people, it ends up being like your gender. Will anyone forget you're male? Probably not. Will anyone think that you like or dislike certain things based on you being male - love sports, nachos and boobies...hate shopping, emotions and "chick flicks"? Probably, but those will most likely be people who don't know you very well.

    Similarly, once somebody knows you're gay, will they ever forget? Probably not. Will people think you like certain things - fashion, disco, whatever - because you're gay? Probably, but those will most likely be people who don't know you very well.

    Lex
     
  13. jrnewton2

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    Agrees with Lex!

    Just for the record, I wasn't trying to say that you should "act gay," whatever that means anyway. I was just going for natural.

    And no, definitely not alone. :thumbsup: