So, here's the thing. I'm out of the closet, and I'm happy for it. Yes, I lost quite a few friends when I finaly did come out, but I take it that they weren't really friends anyways. Well, I'm in a relationship, and have been for over 3 years. I love this man. He, however, is still in the closet to all but one of his friends and his mother who lives in another country (She asked him to see a doctor about it). He's scared. His family is very religious and he's justifiably convinced that they would disown him. His mother requested that he never tell his father (his mom and dad aren't together), as she is certain he would disown him. He has family (cousins) who live in the state that he is closest with and he is certain he never wants them to know. Over all, he's very private about his life. He doesn't let very many people in and he seems unhappy. Him being in the closet, I hate to say, is bothersome to me. I want to support him and be there for him and I don't want him to come out for me and I only want it when he's ready, but it does put a strain on our relationship when we can't show affection in public. I don't mean kissing. I wouldn't do that regardless, I don't like that BIG of a public display of affection, but a simple touch on the shoulder, to hold his hand, to give him a hug, that can only be done behind a locked door of our house. Even on facebook I can't write any posts to him, even harmless ones, like "What's up?" or "How was your day?" because, I don't know how, it can be seen as "gay" and could make people question. Like I said, I love him, but it's beginning to take it's tole on me... what should I do?
Um I am pretty sure you don't need to worry about touching or hugging or anything like that. I work at a place where everyone's straight as an arrow and we clap each other's back and grab legs when trying to get someone's attention. Not really a big deal. He is over-reacting and you are overly cautious.
It's extremely challenging, and ultimately damaging to your self esteem to be with someone who is closeted. It's one thing if it's someone in transition who is working toward being out, but if it's someone who has no interest in coming out and doesn't plan to change, then you're in for a long period of frustration, annoyance, heartbreak, and, ultimately, having your own self-esteem trashed because you will always be treated as invisible or second rate or whatever when it comes to holidays, family events, and so forth. So you need to talk to him, and you need to really think about what this relationship means. I can pretty much guarantee you that it won't work in the long term if he won't agree to come out, and I can also pretty much guarantee you that if the relationship is meaningful to him that he'll make whatever promises are needed to keep you. But the trick is ensuring those promises are kept. Setting clear goals on exactly by when he will agree to come out, or what terms will be important, because otherwise you'll most likely be stuck in a relationship of promises where no real action occurs, and you'll get 6 months or 2 years down the road and be right back where you are. It's definitely a tough situation, and at a certain point, he's going to have to choose between risking losing his family support and being true to himself. That's a decision that he will have to make for himself. Hopefully he'll make the right one
I guess I just have a fear that he'd look upon it as me forcing him to do it. Like an ultimatum. I'm going to have to at least talk to him about it... right?
I'd say you don't say "You need to come out to be in a relationship with me" but instead talk about the negative effects it will have on you and the relationship between the two of you. Talk about his fears, and talk about whether presenting himself as someone he's not, and hiding you for a lifetime is what he wants. And then, if he's agreeable in principle, discuss what that means for him (good and bad) and if he decides he's willing to do it, discuss a timeline (preferably one that is in increments, rather than just blasting open the closet door at the last minute, as that's an almost guarantee he'll chicken out at the last minute. I would also suggest, if he does go with a timeline you're ok with, that you make it clear that you're willing to be patient, but not indefinitely, and he needs to seriously commit to the timeline because if it comes along and he hasn't made effort and gotten to the place you agreed, it's going to be difficult for you to feel good about yourself staying in the relationship. I think if you put it that way, you're not so much forcing him to come out as discussing the situation, giving him the option to choose, with some time to implement, what is important to him in his life.
