I met this guy, we've been on a few dates and it's been going really well. We can talk about anything so we know about each other's exes. Then on Monday after our date my ex started talking to me and asked me out. So I told the guy I'm dating and he told me to relax and stop worrying because we've only been on a few dates. Since then I think he's getting bored of me and he doesn't know when he wants to see me again. I know that's not good because it's happened before. I was just wondering how do I make him more interested in me and fix things. I can never get past this stage.
What do you enjoy doing (hobbies etc)? What does he enjoy doing? Are you sure he's getting bored with you or is he seeking a monogamous relationship? Is he dating anyone else?
If it's a repeating experience, look for any common themes. Is there any particular conversation / response / pattern that happens before the relationships start to fizzle? Does one or the other of you ask something of the other? Have you ever been accused of being either too needy or too aloof? Do you have a tendency to seek out the same sort of person, and if so, does s/he have any common personality traits with others you've dated? Very often the answers you're seeking can be found by examining the above questions or ones that arise from thinking about those issues.
I'm not sure why you mentioned the ex asking you out. Do you think that's the reason your boyfriend is losing interest? Lex
He's not dating anyone else but I get the impression if someone else came along, he'd go for it. The similar pattern would be that I start looking for/hinting at wanting some commitment. I've been accused of texting too much. I need to cut that down. But I was convinced he was at the commitment stage too until Monday. I do seek out the same sort of person. Every guy I date is in the closet/only out to a few people. I mentioned the ex asking me out because I wanted to show him that I said no and that I like him. It didn't work though.
Hmm... Is there any chance of you corralling him for a heart-to-heart talk against the backdrop of a fun night out together. There may be new things happening in his life that you don't know about yet. As for "...looking for/hinting at wanting some commitment...", the one time that happened to me I bailed out on the guy, not because he wasn't nice or anything, it was because he seemed to be emotionally needy and it scared me because I knew I wasn't up to carrying my end of a committed relationship with such a fragile soul.
>>>I need to cut that down. But I was convinced he was at the commitment stage too until Monday. At which point....what? He said "we've only been on a few dates", which made you think he really wasn't that into you? That he was looking to bail at the first available opportunity? I guess I don't see some sort of magical transformation between before and after then. I guess my only other question would be this: if you can "talk about anything", why are you asking us? Talk to HIM. I'd be cautious as to how you word things, since I get a vague sense of both insecurity and pessimism from what you've posted here. You don't want to go into this with the attitude "I know he's going to break up with me, so let's just get this over with." You want to go into it with an air of hopeful optimism. "I've enjoyed our first few dates, and I'm interested in continuing to go forward with them, and perhaps take things to the next level. But I'd like to hear your thoughts." Lex
Well, it depends on when you're asking for that commitment. If it's after a month or two or three, then it's a reasonable request. If it's after a third or fourth date, then you're probably coming across as clingy, and people generally run the other direction from that. If people your own age are accusing you of texting too much, you likely have a very serious problem. I personally would consider it unbelievably rude to text while on a date... it sends the message that the person you're with isn't that important, and you are distracted and/or any text that comes in is more important than they are. If it's a vitally urgent text, that's one thing... but 99% of texts aren't. Now, I acknowledge also that I'm from a different generation and that values of your generation are a bit different in that regard. However, there's never a place where being overly polite is bad, so simply turning off your phone while you're on a date says "I'm serious about spending time with you, and I don't want to be distracted" might be something worth considering. It might also be a healthy thing for you. Ah, so we are seeing another pattern here. You're going out with guys who aren't really comfortable with themselves yet, and therefore aren't available (they won't be ready to commit) and yet you're asking them for commitment. So this is perhaps an unconscious pattern going for you where maybe you are afraid (unconsciously) of commitment yourself... and so by only going out with guys likely to be unavailable, your unconscious is happy because it knows it willl never really have to worry about getting into any relationship with real commitment possibility. Now... the challenge is, if you change your pattern consciously, and start going out with guys who are emotionally available, you'll likely find yourself having some fears about commitment yourself, and actions that come out of those fears. But nearly all of this is common to LGBT people because of the internalized homophobia most of us have or had from before we came out. It gets better with time and practice... and therapy always helps
