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what should i do

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by hoping, Oct 16, 2007.

  1. hoping

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    my dickhead of a father has lied and broken every promise and been a bastad all my life and since he and my mum divorced hes been in a out of my life ever since and ever since my 16th birthday hes been in my life acting like he can control what i want to do in my life and crap like that. about 2 months ago he went really weird and hes such a jerk, hes trying to turn my sister away from my mum by brainwashing her into believing that my mum hates her. btw i havent talked to my father for well over a month and i have replied to any of his texts. ive finally decided i want him out of my life for good.
    i thought of writing him a letter and telling him i do not wish to have any further assosiation with him or his family. but i dont know how to word it to not make it hostile. so has anyone got any ideas on how to word it?
     
  2. Louise

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    This may not be what you want to hear and it is difficult to give advice when I don't know your dad but there might be reasons for your dad being like this.

    I am not saying he is right to behave like this with you but as you are no longer a child with a childish view point on life maybe you should try to get to know your dad, get his slant on things. Is his desire to control your life his kack handed way of playing a role in your life? You know some dads can be very akward in their approch to play a part in their children's lives. Are his attempts to turn your sister against your mother a jelousy thing because he feels left out an unloved (for whatever reasons).

    I will repeat myself here; his reasons for behaving like this do not make him right, but often if we understand why someone is behaving as they are you can put that behaviour into perspective or reassure that person with things like 'dad you don't have to say things like that about mum, we love you' or something along those lines.

    Whatever we may think and however hurt and angry we might feel it is not as easy as we might hope to just write one of our parents out of our lives.

    I would start with a letter explaining that you are hurt and upset by his behaviour, and why this upsets you so much, let him see your side of things. Ask him if he realises how upsetting his behaviour is for you and, if he is open to the idea work, with him so that he can change his bad habits and replace them with more acceptable ones.

    You don't suddenly get all the answers when you are a parent, you do the best you can, you look back and you say OMG how could I have done that, OMG I could have handled that better, damn I hope I didn't hurt them too much, etc.

    Maybe a man to man talk is in order for your dad to see that you are an adult now and deserve to be treated like one, that you aren't going to put up with broken promises and emotional brainwashing of your sister. That when he says something to you he has to mean it or not say it. Unfortunately lots of people are like your dad, they say what they think you want to hear but are not necessarily in a position to honour their words.

    Good luck in trying to sort things out.
     
  3. tayana

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    My advice might not be the most popular, but I have a similar relationship with my mother. She is very controlling and manipulative, and we cannot even have a normal,healthy conversation without her becoming abusive.

    I support your choice to have no contact with him, especially if contact only causes pain.

    If you choose to send him a letter, think about the reasons you no longer wish to speak to him and write those down. Explain that you wish you could have a better relationship, but that it doesn't seem possible at this time. When you write down those reasons don't use any name-calling tactics or accusations, kind of pretend you're just writing down facts, examples that can't be refuted.

    Good luck to you.
     
  4. hoping

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    the main reasons i dont want to see or talk to him again are as follows.
    1. i cant trust a word he says.
    2. he brakes every promise he ever makes
    3. he tells me how i should live my life
    4.the only things he cares about is me giving him grand kids
    5. hes never supported me in anything in my life
    6.hes emotionaly abusive
    7.he tries to destroy all my beliefs
    8.he tells me what i should like and dislike
    9 he knows nothing about me cause all he wants he grand kids
    10 when u talk to him he never listens to a word u say
     
  5. Louise

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    I hear everything you are saying and every point you have is valid. I was lying awake last night and got to thinking about your post.

    Even though your thoughts and feelings are undoubtedly justified and your dad doesn't deserve you in his life, you can't just wipe him out with a simple letter. Even if you decide to have no more contact with him, which is absolutely your right, he will still have contact with your sister and your mum. You will still feel the ripple affects of his contact with the rest of your family and you will continue to be unhappy about it.

    I think you definately need to write him a letter or sit down and talk with him and give him clear boundries of what you will and won't accept from him for yourself and for your sister. You have the right to tell him that you won't put up with him turning your sister away from your mum, that it is unacceptable and hurtful.

    Although I would always avoid ultimatums because we are almost always let down by them you could tell him that unless/until he is willing to change one or two (choose the most important to you) things on the list you wrote that you no longer wish to have contact with him. If he is willing to make an effort, now or in the future, you will be open to meeting him half way but until then you prefer to keep your distance.

    If you dad is willing to make an effort you might be able to get him to change on other points over the coming years.

    I really really hope you manage to work something out, he must have some good points, your mum managed to love him at one time (that is the eternal optimist talking):dry: