All my life, I have been trying to please other people and trying to fit it, in everything, and not really being me as I try and keep hidden the real me and put on a fake 'blend in' me, and I always care to much about what other people think, and I want to be able no not care about what people think and build my conference. And I am asking how can I do this and one day be able no not give a rats ass what people think? As I am tired of trying to conform to a World that as a whole will hate me, I want to be able to be loud and proud and do what i wan't and not give a rats ass about what other people think.
There is a disease called extreme social anxiety disorder. Maybe you have this and need to be treated?
I don't know, but when you figure it out, you let me know. Before I came out, I theorized to myself that I might be mildly sociopathic because, while I have never intended harm towards anyone, my thought process was extremely compartmentalized and I had very deliberate "personas" for each type of people I socialized with. Nobody ever saw the real me, at least not any part of me I thought anyone would disapprove of. That's why it took me so long to come out - I couldn't bear the thought of being stuck with something in my life that would give people a built-in reason to disapprove of me. Once I got older though, I started doing things to prove to myself that I was brave and didn't give a shit what other people thought about me. I shaved my head (as a bio-female). I protested against the G-20 in Pittsburgh. I took a road-trip all the way across the country. I went caving for seven hours even though it scared the living daylights out of me. And each time I did something rebellious and crazy, I learned that a) I wasn't as big of a chickenshit as I thought, and b) while people might have been shocked and shaken at my actions each time, they almost always developed a grudging respect for me afterwards because I followed my own path regardless of society's approval, and it was usually something they would have been afraid to do themselves. It is extremely confidence-building to do something that nobody else thinks you can do. I highly recommend it.
Avoidant Personality Disorder Please don't dwell too long on the above link, but it really helped me sort out a lot about myself that I was having difficulty with. At least you're not the only one. Oh and BTW, social anxiety is also symptom of AvPD, but tends to take somewhat different forms when mixed in with all that other avoidant stuff.
It's true. Try doing thinks that you think you can't do or you are afraid to do. They can be everyday things that others treats like something ordinary but that are difficult to you for some reason. When I became more confident I started to worry less about what someone may think about me.
Holy crap Adam, that website pretty much described me to a tee. Lol. Especially this part: "A high-functioning Avoidant may exude confidence that matches confidence and clear capabilities related to their craft or job. However, these same individuals may have an unending fear and aversion to becoming personally involved with people for fear of not measuring up as social beings. Anything beyond the realm of their profession may pose a fragile ego strength."
That's pretty much the same reaction I had when I read it. But like I said - don't dwell on medical definitions. Doing that sent me into a really bad slump this past August. You are who you are, and these things are overcomeable. (I think that's a word...)
I think my biggest hurdle in dealing with being an avoidant personality is that I'm completely resistant to any and all therapy/medication. I'd much like to think I'm reasonable enough to modify my own behavior for a positive outcome, I'm just not sure how to start. I did just reach out to a friend that I haven't talked to in awhile this morning, and apologized for having distanced myself and explained that it was because I was under a lot of stress, etc... and got a positive response so...baby steps! =)
That Avoidant Personality Disorder does a not apply to me I think is is more that I don't have the conference needed to carry it out.
@maverick: woo hoo! Way to go! @British Lad: No problem, though a lot of the issues (low confidence being a primary one) are definitely shared, and the ways of busting yourself out of a slump are the same. As others have said, finding something to be proud of in yourself is a great first start. Then, you'll start acting more as your true self in public, as you see your true self as something that you WANT to share with others.
