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Too Cautious?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Geoff, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. Geoff

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    So, if anyone remembers, I was in a relationship for over a year with a guy, and it recently ended in a pretty terrible way. Now I'm having a different problem.

    I find myself in no mood to be with any of the guys that I've been meeting recently. I know that this is rare in the gay community, but I actually like to have some sort of a relationship going with a guy before I do anything sexual with him. I know, I know. Everyone seems to go down on their first date, but I find that to be dangerous both physically and emotionally. While all of my straight friends applaud this choice of mine, all of my gay friends legitimately consider me to be a prude.

    My main point in this is that I just can't feel comfortable being intimate with someone until I'm comfortable with them first and know that they hold a certain position in my life. I'm not saying that we need to be dating for anything to happen, but I would like to at least consider myself to be friends with the guy.

    This has all come up recently because I've been going on a few dates with this guy, and by a few I mean three. Tonight when we were having a little make out session, he wanted to go a lot further than I was comfortable going, a lot further. The thing is I really didn't give him any indication that I was willing to go there, and I've pretty seriously brought up to him that I'm a reserved person. Also, a big part of sexual attraction for me is the personal connection I have with that person, which isn't there yet with this guy. So now, I'm afraid that he's turned off to me forever because I turned him down this one time. I just would really like to know him better before anything else happens.

    I know that this probably didn't make sense, and it was a rant. But am I the ONLY gay person who's more on the traditional side of relationships, or has everyone advanced over into the sex first/relationship after way of doing it?
     
  2. VentinIntrovert

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    If he's really interested in you... He would have the patience... You have a really good quality of being cautious... Wish I could be like that haha...
     
  3. MIJ VI

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    Geoff, YOU are true boyfriend/future husband material! :slight_smile:

    Like I've been sayin' for years: Eye-to-eye-->heart-to-heart-->THEN parts-to-parts.
     
  4. Filip

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    I don't think it's an unusual or bad thing, really.
    Myself, I would definitely have reacted the same way. There's nothing wrong with first (or third-)date sex by itself, but only if both parties are OK with it. And if you want to take it slow, then that's definitely what you should keep doing. No matter what your gay friends consider to be the "prude" and "non-prude" options.

    That said, apparently for better or for worse (and I dislike your use of "legitimately" there. Your gay friends are not the judges of what is proper here!), the expectation does seem to be that when you're gay and out and dating, you're supposed to jump into sex right away (after all: "you're both guys, and you know what guys want" as one of my friends sometimes put it). My own friends are still rather flabbergasted that I never developed a "slutty stage" as that seemed to be the expected next step after comming out.
    And expectations seem to warp people's behavious around them.
    Those that don't follow them feel as if they're acting wrong. And maybe those that DO follow them feel constrained. For all you know, that guy really doesn't care whether sex happens now or ten dates from now (as long as the answer isn't: "not before the 150th date" :wink:), but feels obliged to rush to sex because he's afraid of seeming disinterested otherwise.

    The best advice in these cases is to cut through the unspoken expectations and the implied messages and just be fortwith with him. Tell him, in so many words that you really feel like he's a nice guy and that you are interested in pursuing further dates and see where they lead, but that you're not ready to go to far too soon, as it would make you feel rushed and unhappy with how the relationship is going. That way, he knows where you stand, and can see where he stand, without angsting about "we didn't have sex, what does that mean??"

    So by all means, be who you are. And be assured that even if this guy might not be the one you're looking for, you're definitely not the only one feeling like this!
     
  5. malachite

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    Geoff, that isn't odd at all. I'd say 70% of our folk like to have a relationship before jumping in the sack.

    You let your heart go to someone and you got burned, its natural to be on the cafeful side for a while, maybe you just need some time for you, it is ok to be single.
    When you're ready you'll get back out there
     
  6. MIJ VI

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    +1. Otherwise why would so many gays be trying to get married?