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private lives

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by IThinkInCircles, Jan 27, 2011.

  1. IThinkInCircles

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    Every day I'm really grateful for this site, because it seems that I have a new question every 12 hours or so.

    Have any of you ever thought about just not bothering with coming out on a large scale? Like it wasn't necessary or important, or even moreso, anyone else's business? I ask because I've kind of had these thoughts myself lately. I know that coming out can provide a lot of us with a sense of settledness and closure, but there are also a handful of risks we face in doing so.

    Even though I've lived most of my life as an open book, I've found that as I've been growing up, there are things that I just like to keep to myself. My last boyfriend didn't really get this, but there's something about uninterrupted privacy that makes you feel like you're still in control of your own life. I suppose that if I ever manage to reel in a same sex partner, it would have to be open for discussion based on how she chooses to live her public life, and I'm cool with that. But right now, I'm single and still trying to get to know myself and don't really have a solid report to give out anyway. If and when I figure myself out, is it okay if I want to keep my sexuality a part of my private life? Or is it a betrayal to my right to happiness?

    What do you think?

    -Emm
     
  2. Beachboi92

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    there are a couple ways to think about it.
    1) being open about your sexual orientation is no different than being a regular straight person. People's heterosexuality is assumed so they live "openly" as straight people so on the basis of equality there is no reason for us not to be public about our sexuality.
    2) I've found most people who take the "it's no ones business but mine approach" are
    a) Not completely comfortable with their sexuality
    b) Not as likely to be able to meet other people for relationship purposes
    3) Living open and proud sets an example for other gay people who may be afraid to do so.

    I personally am 100% open about my sexuality, i don't go around yelling "i'm gay" but i do talk about my interests in the same way straight people do. I also have a pride sticker on my car because i think it sends a positive message. I know that had i not been able to see gay people happy and successful or in public i would have never come out.
     
  3. maverick

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    Well, I dunno, I understand how you feel though, I've been having the same thoughts myself lately. But now that I'm out to family, being closeted at work and to periphery friends is really stressful for me. I've been having a lot of conflicts with my mother about coming out that have frankly affected my work, either causing me to cry silently in my office or avoid others at work because I have been so upset and it's written all over my face. It would be nice to be able to go to a colleague and explain to them why I have been avoiding them or so down lately, but I can't. It's something I have to deal with alone. I can't even discuss it at home or get advice from my dad (even though he's supportive) because I still feel really ashamed.

    I guess part of the reason I'm not out on a large scale is because I do fear reprisal, straight up. If I was just GBLT, I might be protected under the law (though based on where I live, I doubt it). However, as a transgendered person, I have NO protection under the law. If my boss found out and disapproved, he could fire me summarily with no explanation. And while as a queer I might be largely ignored by strangers, as a transgendered, cross-dressed person in public, I may as well be wearing a big sign around my neck that says: "I AM A HUGE HOMO AND I'M FLAUNTING IT. PLEASE PUT MY FACE ON A CURB TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER."

    I think it's perfectly reasonable to want to keep your sexuality a part of your private life. Other than the visibility it admittedly lends queers as a demographic, being out in public opens you up to a lot more negativity. However, it opens you up to a lot more romantic involvement and happiness as well. It's really just a decision that everyone has to make for his or herself.

    Personally, I'm waiting to come out publically until I am in a relationship, which is something I might pursue later this year. At which point I'll mention my relationship status casually at the office while someone else is talking about one of their partners. Last year I had my boss modify our discrimination policies at work to include sexual orientation, so at this point no one at work can give me a hard time about being gay without threatening their own job.

    But as far as my extended family? I don't know if I can ever come out to them, honestly, unless I was getting married or wanted to bring my S.O. to the holidays. I don't feel that close to them most of the time, and I feel like some of them are extremely judgemental. On that front, I fall more into a "it's none of their business" philosophy, until circumstances force my hand.

    Like you though, I've always been a really private person in *all* aspects of my life, because I fell like it gives me the most amount of control.
     
  4. Foxywolf

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    In my opinion I think that you should be able to keep your sexuality private if you want to, but I wouldn't recommend lying about it. In other words you could just go about living your life and not tell anyone your sexual orientation, but if someone asks you, I wouldn't deny it.
    I think maybe it is good to have at least one or two people who know so that you have someone to talk to when things get hard or bad.
    But also as a previous poster said, if you are out and proud then it sets a good example for other LGBT people.
    I know that I am probably going to eventually come out to at least one other friend and EVENTUALLY my parents, but after that I am just going to be open about it. If someone asks I'll tell them, but I won't volunteer the information.
    I think it's ok if you want to keep your sexuality a part of your private life as long as you are not trying very hard to hide it from everyone - just "live your life as if no one is watching."
     
  5. IThinkInCircles

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    I have a few close friends that know, and so do all of my roommates from college (there's about ten of them... I always lived in 5 bedroom houses then). Though I get the strange feeling that, because I was in a straight relationship for a year and a half (until October), at least some of them might think it "wore off" or that I went back into the closet.

    Which, actually, brings me to my next question: For the bisexuals on EC, do you find that your social interaction patterns change depending on who you're in a relationship with? Like if you're in a "straight" relationship, you hang out more with straight people, or when you're in a same-sex relationship, you hang out more with LGBT people? That might be a really weird/stupid question, but hey, I guess that's what I'm here for, to ask questions.
     
  6. silverhalo

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    I think its a completely personal thing as to how and how much you come out, I like to try and find a nice balance in the middle where im not obviously gay, I dont throw it upon people straight away or in their face but if I feel comfortable with them and an opportunity arises then I tell them, I dont outwardly seek opportunities but I wouldnt lie. But its kind of personal preference. I try and make as little a deal out of it as possible.

    On your second question im not bisexual but I still mainly hang out with straight friends and couples even though im in a same sex relationship, I dont think it affects it in my life.