Ah. Well, it's been a while. I've had an account here for what has seemed like ages, and have dipped in and out, reading all sorts of supportive threads, the act of which alone has actually helped me immeasurably. But nevertheless, I've not written anything of my own trials here. Now, I'm at a bit of a crossroads (although, really, I've been there for a while), and I need to get my thoughts into words, as is so often the case. So I figured I might as well write them here and procure some advice at the same time. But that requires me to start in the middle of what has been a long and ongoing process; as such, I'll do my best to keep my background story as short and relevant as is possible. After finishing university, I moved back in with my parents on 28 July 2010. (Well, technically, I'd finished classes, but had to complete some outstanding coursework from home through December.) In anticipation of this, I came out to my parents in a later on 19 June 2010 with the support of my loving cousin and some GLBT friends: My mother took it surprisingly well and is understanding; my father has been entirely reticent on this issue, but that's a matter for another time. Anyway, the move-in was only meant to be temporary, but due to my unfinished schoolwork, my father (who is my main source of transportation and helped me move out) basically refused to let me move into a different apartment my friends and I had found (a decision which complicated more than just my own life). So for the last six months, I've been living in my childhood home, a smallish town in which everyone knows everyone, a full two hours' drive away from any of the friends on whom I counted when I first came out to my parents, without any practical means of ever "getting away." Everyone I knew here in high school either is gone because they've moved on with their lives or is someone with whom I never really associated to begin with. And while instant messaging can, at times, shrink the space between my distant friends and me, I can't help but feel "cut off" from the very thing I need most. I'm clearly not getting the support I need at home, and it's ever-difficult to get it elsewhere. Which is where EC comes in, I guess. Before I'd moved back, I had a fairly doable plan for telling the rest of my extended family — including my younger brother, grandparents, aunts, and uncles — as well as some friends. Now, though, I'm not sure if I even need to tell some of these people. While I realize there's no such thing as being done coming out, I do want to feel some sense of liberation. I only started attending events put on by my university's GLBTQA group a couple months before I finished school. I was looking forward to coming back as an alumnus to strengthen those relationships and come out to the nearest of my university friends. But now I haven't seen any of them in six months. And because of my overbearing parents and the "you need to be constantly focused on getting your schoolwork done" attitude I encountered for the entirety of autumn — which, by the way, was counterproductive — I haven't really had occasion to converse with any of them in as long either. So for them, I think it can wait until I next see them. Or when I next naturally converse with them. I don't think there's any reason for me to go out of my way to contact them just to tell them I'm gay, right? As for my grandparents, I'm quite close with three of the four of them. As a matter of fact, I was considering telling the one set very soon, either this Saturday 29 or Monday 31 January. To some extent, I still am; I want this to happen soon. Lord knows I don't want to be in the closet one day longer than I need to be. But I need to handle this. I was somewhat affected just yesterday by something one of my friends posted to my Facebook Wall, which more-or-less publicly associated us both with the GLBT community. For fear of reprisal, I promptly deleted it, and told him he knew why. But rather than apologize and attempt to understand my situation, he passively-aggressively expressed his frustration with my slowness in "step[ping]... into public view." And I can't help but feel frustrated, in turn, by that. He has been proud of his sexuality for some time now, and I'm glad for him; however, even though his coming out process wasn't perfect itself (and none ever is), it still seems he's unable to understand that others' processes might have more complex facets which need to be accounted for. In particular, the biggest facet I'm struggling with is that I'm a counselor at a Christian youth summer camp, and although I've gauged most of my colleagues whose opinions would matter to be fairly tolerant, I'm pretty sure my situation needs to be handled a tad more delicately that a nonchalant Facebook Wall post that implies (or says outright) that I'm gay. (And no, we're not going to have the sexuality-vs.-religion debate here; there are other places on these fora for that.) For me, coming out is ultimately going to mean some carefully worded, timed, and choreographed messages, and it upsets me that my friend is so bothered by the pace that he would risk subverting my efforts before they even begin. On top of that, telling my brother is another issue which will undoubtedly require its own thread here at some point, for this soliloquy is lengthy enough as it is, and my brother is his own piece of work (as brothers often are!). I guess I need some words of encouragement. Words of wisdom. Words of what-have-you. Because I'm soon going to experience my parents' inevitable "you need to be constantly focused on getting a full-time job" attitude, and while I realize that is indeed where my life needs to be headed, I've tried so hard, but I'm simply not capable of splitting my focus like that while I'm still closeted. Okay, that's it for now. I look forward to seeing how EC can help me, as I've been privileged to see how it's helped so many others. Thanks in advance.
Hi volleyren. I'm tired and your post is epic--lemme see if I understand this: - you're 23, - you've finished uni, - you're once again living in your childhood home in a small town, - and you're more concerned with coming out to everyone than getting a job? Are you trying to re-live your teen years? If so, why? BTW. The moment you come out of the closet you can kiss the counsellor gig at the Christian youth summer camp goodbye. In the main, Christian parents won't tolerate "abominations of Satan" being near their kids. If I have any of the above details wrong please offer a succinct correction. Thank you.
That's uh, pretty harsh dude. I was living a very similar situation - finished college, came back home, also had to deal with coming out to everyone - and spent a good nine months trying to find a full time job (working oddjobs and internships while I searched). It's only been the last month that I've been offered a job, and even then it's more or less freelance for two days a week. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to afford moving out this summer. Among my friends, I'm far from the only one who has had that life. It sucks. There are not a lot of jobs out there, and I'm a little sick of boomers condescending the young folk today when they're the ones who drove the economy into the ground. It's a bit grating. Thank god my parents -who are your age, by the way - are a bit more understanding. Christ. Volleyren: Welcome back! Again, you're at where I was in May. For me, I was really isolated from my friends and where I want to be and frustrated with the whole "not getting my life started" thing... and that was before I came out. You've already done the hard one, coming out to your parents, and you've also come to the same logical conclusion that I did: you don't need to have the coming out conversation with everyone in your family. Pick the people who are important to you, and word will spread fast. Re: the youth group, what's the worst that can happen? You'll get kicked out. Okay, yeah, that's pretty awful, but you'll still have your faith. I do know a few religious LGBT folk out there, some of whom are involved in a church and others who aren't. If you don't get kicked out, think of it as extra affirmation. Re: getting out of your hometown, don't worry. Make sure you're actively looking, and your life will take off soon. Good luck!
Hi, Vollyren, First, no one asking for help in your situation should expect an inconsiderate and harsh response such as the one you received. Secondly, no one -- not friends, family, anyone on EC or anyone else -- should dictate how slowly or quickly you should come out. It sounds like you've got a lot of people around you that could potentially have some issues with your being gay because of their spiritual beliefs, and so you're absolutely right -- that needs to be handled delicately and carefully. So the first thing I'd do is tell your friend to cool it and respect your timetable, whether it's a day or a year. Perhaps he's afraid you're going back on your commitment to be out, but (a) that isn't true and (b) even if it is, it's your choice. The second thing I'd say is, if you haven't already, put all the effort you can into finishing whatever course work is needed to complete the degree so your dad will get off your back. I think you're feeling isolated and unsupported simply because you are... and the sooner you can do what is needed to get yourself out of there, the sooner you can feel support. The third thing is... even though your friends may be physically separated from you, reach out and ask them for suggestions on work possibilities. Your parents are correct that you need to focus on getting a job, and honestly, even though it might not seem right to you, getting a job (and, therefore getting you out of the environment you're in) would probably be a better use of your energy right now than coming out, even though that's probably where your interest lies right now. I get *why* coming out is important -- so you have the support that you feel will help you in the job hunt and so forth -- but I do think that if you shift your focus, temporarily, toward simply getting out of the environment you're in, and finding work, it will make it a lot easier to both have the support you need, and to come out in whatever way and timetable makes sense for you. Oh and... I disagree about being out necessarily affecting your camp counseling job. I've known a number of people who are out (at least to the staff) at a number of Christian organizations, from camps to schools to colleges, and, depending on the denomination and the particular staff you're working for, there are a surprising number who will basically be OK with it as long as you don't share it with students or the public, and while you might not agree with that, I can see where they are coming from, and it's a reasonable middle ground while you're transitioning. There's no reason to feel negative about what's going on... you have a lot on your plate, and the last thing you need is more negativity, so focus on taking the steps that will most efficiently help you to move forward, tell people who are unhappy with your timeline to back off and let you make those choices, and i think you'll start to see a clearer path to where you want to be. Hope that helps!
I understand why you were upset. After I came out to my brother and my parents, my brother made a wiseass remark about me seeing "light under the closet door" at a large family function, and I thought that I would kill him, because I was NOT ready to be out to anyone else in my extended family. It was extremely awkward and he got to go back to California and forget about it, while I'm stuck here dealing with them. It is not other people's responsibility to "out" us, and it's disrespectful to do so. Also, I think you're right to be concerned about the Christian youth summer camp thing. If you come out publically, they can probably kick you out, and they might exercise that opportunity. But it really depends on your location and how liberal your chuch is. If you're a counsellor in an Episcopalian church camp, I doubt they'd care. If you were a counsellor in a Southern Baptist church camp, in my neck of the woods, you'd be out the door.
Hello, everyone. It’s been a hectic weekend, so I’m just now finding time to respond… but let me start by saying how blessed I am to have received so much by way of positive encouragement! Anyway, onto the barrage of quotes from your responses, which I’ve organized by category… Pressure from parents I did finish this in December 2010, thankfully… more in spite of my parents’ purported “help” than because of it, but whatever. There are some trust issues, though, so they’re still a little bit skeptical and would like to see the diploma “in hand”… I’ve tried to convey to them that they don’t get mailed out until the middle of February, but they’ll believe it when they see it! I mainly mentioned that whole scenario to draw parallels to how they’re handling my ongoing job search. They’re treating it much the same way (unhelpfully), and if that’s any indication, the pressure is likely to be turned up very soon. Social isolation and job prospects You hit the nail right on the head, I think. It’s not so much the not being near friends; it’s the lack of forward progress that’s getting at me the most. This is very much something that I’ve been trying to capitalize on. The rational side of my brain keeps saying that this is more important than any emotional gratification I may receive from coming out; however, as that has been my line of thinking throughout my time at university, these feelings are a long time repressed. I want to believe that keeping them that way for just a couple more months won’t hurt in the long run — and I’m sure it won’t — but I’m frankly quite fed up enough with living this way as it is. So I’m still a bit conflicted here, but fortunately the conflict is split neatly into my rational thought and my emotions. I hope I can continue to keep both pacified for long enough to get out of this mess. Thanks for the words of encouragement! Coming out to extended family I totally agree. My cousin, who has known about my orientation since August 2005 (has it been that long?), has been getting a bit “itchy,” for lack of a better word. Apparently, her mother and my grandmother have had casual discussions with each other which have included: “I wonder why he isn’t that into the dating scene.” “Well, he is a little different.” …but it’s not really on their radar that I could be gay. Which is part of why I was planning on coming out to my grandmother in the near future; to get that established before any such discussions get out-of-hand. Nevertheless…, …in the mean time, my cousin has been a bit frustrated that she can’t mention me openly to her mother when she asks about me. And, in that case, I’m probably just going to let her say something to her mother when she feels it’s necessary. That said, however…, …my cousin has basically said that — since it’s been so long — if I don’t tell the family by Easter 2011, she will start telling people as it comes up. Which, although not inherently unreasonable in and of itself, is not within her responsibilities or rights to proclaim. So I’m going to have to actively work with her on that… if only to keep her from going rogue and causing me more trouble than I need! Camp Counselor position I think that’s an important thing for me to keep in mind. Although this particular camp helped me immeasurably during my middle and high school years, and I strongly believe in the “pay it forward” system (which will, in time, translate to EC, I’m sure)… I have been blessed enough to be given the opportunity to volunteer as a counselor even once, let alone for the last four summers. Seeing positive changes in the campers’ lives continually reminds me that it’s not about me or how involved or how “deep” in the organization I am; it’s about being a Christian role model, which isn’t precluded by my being gay, despite how certain people might think otherwise. Although I haven’t commented on (m)any of them, I’ve seen a plethora of uplifting comments on these for a with both Biblical and rational explanations for how it’s possible to reconcile religion and sexuality… and how to explain to others that it’s really not a big deal, since God’s grace is a loving grace. And, of course, should things not happen to work out, I need to keep in mind that no matter how much this particular outlet means to me, there are always other ways in which I can share my faith with others. Well, the camp is affiliated with the Presbyterian Church (U.S.A.), which is, at least lately, a bit more left-of-center than the average denomination. It’s in a rural-ish area by Lake Erie, but two-thirds of the campers come from Pittsburgh and its suburbs, two hours away. In my experience, the general sentiment — especially amongst people who I know have had sway over staffing decisions — is one that is tolerant. But, of course, in a group of 175 people, there is bound to be some dissent… so I certainly don’t plan to make a big deal about it if and when it comes up. In my eyes, my sexuality is simply a matter of fact, so in camp settings, I plan to approach things matter-of-factly… downplaying its spiritual significance and emphasizing God’s instruction to love others for who they are. I agree that not sharing things with the campers and the public is reasonable middle ground while transitioning. The problem is I’ve basically been “transitioning” since before I even got the gig. I certainly want a few key people who are with me on the staff to know before I do anything even remotely resembling coming out to the public. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m going to need to take that plunge at some point. I guess all I can do is prepare, and in the meantime, enjoy how God is working through me today. New stuff Yeah, there’s new stuff. My great-great-aunt (on my father’s side) died in her sleep last night (Sunday 30 January), and so in the frenzy of planning and finding out new information, visiting my maternal grandparents today as I thought I might do has been put on hold, at least for today. But I still remain confident that the next time I can get to their place, I can come out to them despite what’s happening concurrently on my father’s side. Likewise, the act of job searching has taken a back seat today to the flurry of phone calls surrounding funeral arrangements and the like. It’ll just take a bit of time to get everything back in order… a hiccup, if you will, in the normal progression of things as I’d planned, but overall, things won’t be much different. Thanks again for all of your encouragement and concern thusfar!
Do not put job searching on hold. That opportunity is going to slip away if they dont get your resume today.
I think it's perfectly reasonable to put your job search on hold for a couple days to deal with the death of a family member who was loved and revered. Just don't let that stretch into a week or more... it's easy to get distracted when you are unconsciously not all that focused on the task at hand to begin with And... my condolences on your great aunt.
Indeed, the "putting things on hold" was more of a practical matter as our phone was just about ringing off the hook all day Monday. I am indeed being very careful not to stretch this out, considering the inertia I've already built up; in fact, I plan to get a small bit more job-searching done tonight (Tuesday). And... thanks for your condolences. We're working, as a family, on deciding exactly what to do next... even though we knew this day was coming, it never comes when you're expecting it, which yields its own complications. In any case, I have a feeling things will soon work themselves out just fine.
