Hey guys, I recently broke up with my boyfriend. Now, things have been going downhill for a while, and even since I met him, he had issues with anger and a really bad belligerent drunkenness problem, as well with what seemed like a problem with alcohol dependency and smoking. What made the relationship go down hill was a lack of communication, seeing each other on average twice a month and me not trusting him as much(when he'd say things like he needed to study and couldn't hang out, then post a fb status saying "drunk off my ass with so-and-so!"). So, we were all set to meet up this weekend, but, again, he said stuff came up, this time he had to go home to take care of family stuff going on with his sister. Not really knowing if anything was going on, I sent him a text saying it would be better just being friends, because of how busy our lives were and how little time we actually got to see each other. Of course, he was upset, but he told me that a text was a horrible way to tell him, saying that doing it during a major family crisis was horrible and made me look like a jerk, etc., etc. I have to agree, but I just couldn't wait. I didn't know when we would see each other next, or how he'd react in person if I told him. Also, being an introvert, it's difficult to share my feelings with other people I don't feel comfortable with. So now I feel like a jerk, and asshole, and like I made a huge dick of myself doing it while he was dealing with some major issues at home. I feel extremely angry and depressed at the same time now, but I haven't responded knowing that we both probably need some time to cool down. I don't mean to rant, but I just need to get this stuff off my chest. :bang::bang::icon_sad::icon_sad:
As an old saying goes, one palm cannot slap loudly. Both of you have obvious blames. He more so than you. He's obviously some jerk from what you are describing.
I strongly believe that integrity is the single most important thing in any relationship, be it a romantic one or a friendship. Without it, the relationship is almost meaningless. Your (now ex) bf directly lied to you, apparently on more than one occasion. That alone would be enough for me to end the relationship, because if you can't trust the person that's supposed to be the one you are closest to, it's sort of pointless. I think your distrust of him because of that is entirely reasonable. Additionally, if he has behaviors that you don't agree with and aren't healthy, then you are probably better off finding someone who is healthier rather than trying to make it work with him. Your timing was perhaps a little wrong, but the fundamental decision was right. And honestly, he has to realize that he contributed significantly to the failure of the relationship. If he doesn't, then he'll be making the same mistake with the next person.
When I was a drunk I wouldn't listen to (or have respect for) anyone until after I hit bottom so hard that I had to listen or die.
It's bad enough when people lie. It's worse when they lie to their lovers. It's especially bad when the lie includes the insulting assumption that you are a moron or a doormat who will just believe it in glaring light of the evidence against the lie. From what I understand you didn't know there was a crisis of that magnitude. Maybe if he'd told you what was going on you would have waited, but he didn't. You can't be blamed for not knowing stuff about him that he won't tell you. You didn't do it to hurt him. Although I would say that it's always better to tell him in person, given that you hardly ever saw him that would prove difficult to hold in those words for so long. Also, this might seem cynical, but given his previous record of deception, the story about the family crisis could easily be another lie or exaggeration invented just to make you feel bad as retaliation for rejection. Relationships are organic things like a plant. They need maintenance or they wither and die. That's what really ended the relationship. Your text was just the end result of all that came before.
Addiction only finds fault in others. ---------- Post added 29th Jan 2011 at 05:36 AM ---------- Owl47, why not find a nice boy who'll respect your intelligence and appreciate your sensitivity? An unrepentant addict is toxic to those who are close. I feel that you can & should do better.
Yeah, this pretty much sums it up for me. Personally, I'm tired of taking blame for other people's bad behavior when it comes to situations like this. I'm sure you are too, Owl. The bad thing about addicts is, they're always having a crisis. So it's never a good time to approach them about their destructive habits, or about how their actions are destroying your relationship. By the time you get the chance to really talk to them, it doesn't matter. It's too late. Things have gone too far and you feel no pity. You do things more callously than you would have otherwise because the anger bottled up while you waited for that person to get their shit together comes out in your last exchange. My advice? I'd move on and find somebody more accessible who appreciates you. Don't let negative people like your ex drag you down - they often have to lose several people before they're willing to change. You just might have to be one of them. I've been that person for a handful myself.
Thanks for the advice guys. Made me feel a lot better and allowed me to see things from an outside prospective. MIJ VI and Maverick, you guys are right. I do deserve someone better and not someone who drags me down with them. It's time to move on.
