I'm coming out to myself again and it sucks. I'm not going bisexual, pansexual, transexual...just sexual. See I never really grew up religious but my mother did instill in me some strong morals. One that has stuck with me for a while is the whole sex before marriage thing. Thats changed as soon as I woke up to being gay. Then it was just sex with someone you like to be with. So I have been waiting and waiting and...nothing. I'm a virgin about to graduate college and no sexual experience with ANYONE yet. Now my friends whom I love to death are very supportive of me. I woke up out of this lala world a little while ago when I realized everyone around me had someone to love...or hate, but someone none the less. It really made me think what was so flawed in me that I couldn't find someone to be whole with. That is when the second coming out kicked in. One: No gay friends. Two: Morals I'll cut it short, I have no real gay friends. Acquaintances yes but no real bond, partly due to the fact that I lack in acting, looking, speaking and oozing the gay like them and its hard to mesh with these acquaintances when all they want to do is talk Jennifer Lopez. Morals are the main issue I'm having problems dealing with which I cannot cut short but I'll try to simplify it. I'm a very conservative progressive in the non-politic way. I'm that old fashion boy next door. I cannot and will not have a random hook-up or one night stand and in my community's; gay community it's very hard to find someone who has those same values. I date guys not their penis. I like the vibe, essence and aura I get from guys, that is why I'm gay. I love men for their masculinity, aggressiveness and the uncommonly seen kindness that people love to look over. In conclusion, in order for me to sleep with someone there has to be a connection...but I've been questioning that lately. Maybe my morals are just too outdated and I'm living in a fantasy world. Maybe all gay men (in my area) are just dicks and only worry about relationships after graduating college and only worry about a quick JO with some anal if it's been too long and maybe I should start dropping my expectations of the GoodGayGuys and just learn to be a SluttyGayGuy. Maybe then I might find someone I like by sleeping with them first...But then the "germaphobe" (im not really a germaphobe) reminds me about STI's and what not so its back to being the boy next door and this constant catch 22 keeps cycling in my mind. I'm stuck in between morals and I don't want to give up that highroad because it's part of me yet no real success has come from it. All in all: I want sex(...bad) and a man(...bad) but I don't want to give up any part of myself in order to find that. Yet if I don't I feel I'm going to be a 40 year old virgin and I don't want that either. Any thoughts?
It is harder to find a relationship than a hookup, but that doesn't mean finding a relationship is impossible, just...harder. From what I've gleaned here on EC gay relationships rarely form in gay bars, they're more likely to happen with gays you meet at other gay-themed places and events; you may even meet someone just out in the real world. I understand your forty-year-old-virgin fear, very much so. But I think ultimately it's less likely than it feels. As we get older we get more mature and more interested in relationships than sex (at least, most of us do). Which means more and more guys go from sex material to relationship material as time goes on. By the time you're forty, most guys you meet will be more into relationships than sex.
Hi MyDecember. First off, my compliments on choosing to be chaste. True boyfriend/future husband material such as yourself is indeed rare in the gay community and will only become more desirable over time. Please do not dilute & devalue your moral essence (and potentially your health) and resolve for the expediency of bagging a little nooky. My stock suggestion for nice boys who seek other nice boys is to find a social circle of guys & gals (who invariably have some male friends) who share the same intellectual interests as yourself and then gradually get to know everyone via an ongoing involvement in a range of communal efforts until Mr. Right surfaces. Boys who enjoy old fashioned cuddling do exist. You're just going to have to meet a LOT of new people to flush them out. BTW. One needn't confine one's hunt to overtly gay environments.
Hi there! First off, I think it is really great that you are trying to understand your sexual identity better and go with what you feel comfortable and what you feel describes you best. I think it is totally fine to be graduating college and have no sexual experience. Honestly, hookups aren't all that great. Hookups, for the most part will most likely give you just an adrenaline rush for a couple of hours/days, but once that fades, you will find yourself at the very same point of feeling that something is missing in your life. Hookups, and even though they might be fun for a while, can actually have an impact on how you see yourself, and your self-confidence. Most of the time, once everything is said and done, the guys with whom you might be having hookups, will be gone and don't want to hear from you. Safe the sex part for the guy with whom you feel connected to. Leaving the sex part for relationships, it becomes something more meaningful. In other words, stick to your morals! There is nothing wrong with you or something that needs fixing. Don't think that there is something flawed within you because that can and perhaps will only lead you to feel even more down about not having someone in your life. But there are a couple of things you can do to change things. Start making some gay friends. You mentioned that you are in collage. Check out your college's website and try to see if there is a LGBT group or alliance on campus. Look in the wider community as well. Do a search on Google and see if there is something that comes up for your area where you go to school and/or live at the moment. You could also contact PFLAG. On PFLAG's website you will find contact information to the chapters closest to your area. If you can, contact them and ask them if they could provide you with some information about LGBT events or groups. Most LGBT groups, besides having regular meetings, will also have social events, allowing members of the group and anyone joining in to get to know each other. Try to attend some social events and try to start making some LGBT friends. In the process of doing that, you might also find yourself getting to know someone with whom you feel a connection to or feel that there could be more than just friendship. Yes, it will take time, but if you are willing to put the effort and time into it, your chances of finding someone increase. (*hug*)
I'm in a very similar situation. Change a few of the details and I could have written it. I don't mind a one-nighter but I'm "old-fashioned" in that I'd vastly prefer a relationship and, oddly, despite not minding sex if I'll never see the person again when forming a relationship I'd like to wait. Not "are we dating? Good, sex tonight then!"... I"m also, definitely monogamous. That one's a bigger stickler than the "when" of having sex. I'm not looking for a virgin so much as a guy who can be monogamous (and they seem rarer D; ) I'm also in a rural Florida town (the north part that's more like "south, south Georgia") so I don't know many gay people for relationship purposes either. Or I grew up with them which makes it sort of weird in it's own way. So yeah, no advice, just chiming in to say I'm in a similar boat.
To the OP: I felt like i was reading about myself - moral value wise. All i can tell you, i'm in the same boat as you and so you're not alone! (*hug*)
I'm assuming I was supposed to read your post as: "I'm still a virgin because, so far, all the gay guys I've encountered want to go a lot faster (physically) than I do." However, this is more how I read it: "I'm still a virgin because, unlike all the other gay guys, I'm not immoral, not effeminate, and won't fuck everything that moves." As I said, I don't think that's how I was supposed to read it, but it IS how I read it. So let me go back and highlight the parts that set me on that path. >>>Acquaintances yes but no real bond, partly due to the fact that I lack in acting, looking, speaking and oozing the gay like them and its hard to mesh with these acquaintances when all they want to do is talk Jennifer Lopez. "Oozing the gay"? This is the sort of term - much like "faggot" - that says a lot more about the user than about the supposed subject. It implies not just that these other guys are more "into the gay scene" or more effeminate than you, but that there's something majorly wrong with that. Also, I get the hint that you've dismissed them awfully quickly. It's true that, in groups, people tend to play to their commonalities. When I'm with my music-geeks friends, the subject WILL turn to music, and when I'm with my sports-fan friends, we'll probably discuss sports. But notice that I'm in both groups. Like most people, I can (and like to) talk about a variety of subjects. There are very few people who can talk about only one subject. In groups, yeah, they're gonna "get their gay on" more than they do individually, simply because that's their commonality. But even in groups, chances are that they can talk about a lot of other things - you just need to start nudging the conversation in that direction. (And among gays in the calendar year 2011, the idea that that one subject they CAN discuss is "Jennifer Lopez" seems awfully far-fetched...) >>>Maybe all gay men (in my area) are just dicks and only worry about relationships after graduating college and only worry about a quick JO with some anal if it's been too long... In short, if somebody isn't "old-fashioned", if they aren't "a gentleman", if they don't "wait until there's a strong connection" before they have sex...they're dicks. >>>I love men for their masculinity, aggressiveness... ...not limp-wristed "bois" who act like girls. I'm giving you grief because I think it's important. Your overall belief that "I'd like to date and form a bond before I get physical" is totally fine. The attached baggage of (if I may ramp things up severely) "...but they're all shallow femmes who fuck anything that moves" isn't. You're not going to get a date/a boyfriend/laid if you continue to reject everybody before you give them a chance. Advice the first. The easiest gays to spot are the effeminate, going-whole-hog-into-it type. Even the most clueless people can pick them out of the crowd. But that's not the entire group. YOU're in that group, and presumably you won't be picked out with the same amount of ease. Which means if there's another guy looking for a non-effeminate gay guy to get with, he's not going to be able to spot you. You'll have to do what you can to make it known that you're interested. And yes - a lot of that will involve dealing with the known ones. By doing so, you'll add to the diversity of the group, and presumably make it more attractive to the "not-as-gay" gays. Advice the second. Keep getting to know the other gay guys. Even if they're ultra femmy and flighty and whatever else. Remember what I said about commonalities. They talk about cute guys and gossip and fashion together mainly because they can't talk about that stuff with their straight roommates. And it doesn't mean they're incapable of talking about other things. Do your best to see if you can nudge the conversation elsewhere, especially when talking to them individually (or in smaller groups). You'll presumably have to stick with less weighty topics to start with - that's the human way. We discuss the weather before we discuss our current plight with the universe. But keep them engaged, and see if you can find some substance there. I almost always can. That doesn't mean I want to date all of them, necessarily, but at least I can interact with them on some level. Advice the third. Keep an open mind. I don't mean "try going home with somebody and see what happens", mind you. I mean keep your options open when it comes to "what I like". Far too many people build a fantasy date in the heads, and then start comparing real-life guys to the fantasy. "Well, I want somebody muscular, and this guy is a bit overweight - pass." "I want somebody passionate about sports, and he doesn't like football - forget it." The thing is - you never know who you'll click with. Give people a chance. My "fantasy guy" when I was in college was a tall, slim, muscular, long-haired music geek. And I ended up with a short, round, bald guy who hardly ever listens to music. Not because I "settled". Not because I said "Well, I guess this fantasy guy will never come along, so I'd best take what I can get." Instead, I just started chatting with people. And something clicked. And I fell in love. And if that tall, slim, muscular, long-haired music geek came by today, I'd tell him to get lost, because I already found my guy. Lex
Thanks and you're right. ^I needed to hear that ^. I'm not one that's shy about re-evaluating things so I'm going to give all these advices a good effort.
There is nothing wrong with being virgin, especially in high school. It's not like you're the only one. Don't feel bad anyways, sex in high school can cause a lot of stress on relationships. Besides, I for one have decided to be abstinent from sex throughout high school. I mean, in my opinion, why would I really wanna have sex with someone who's not fully developed? but eh, don't feel bad
