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No Idea What This Means...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by thedreamwatch, Jan 29, 2011.

  1. I came out as gay a little over a month ago, but I'd been struggling with it for a few months before that. I decided that the truth I'd been hiding from myself was that I am not physically attracted to men. At. All. All I was looking for was someone who cared about me, and that just happened to be a long series of relationships with guys who I cared about very much emotionally, but dated specifically because it wouldn't work out (this was subconscious, but obvious in hindsight that I was trying to make an escape for myself).

    That being said, I have a serious issue right now.

    Is it possible to be in love with someone who you're not really sexually attracted to?

    (cue long story mode)

    This summer (before I started coming to terms with my gayness) I had a really crazy secret affair with my (male) best friend. We can call him R. And I use the term "affair" loosely, since neither of us was actually cheating on anyone. We were both single, but due to laws of friendship we were definitely not supposed to be carrying on in that fashion. (R's best friend is my ex who hates me, even though it's been a few years.)

    We had some fantastic moments this summer that I will remember the rest of my life. It was always beautiful when I was with R, no matter if I were sad or happy, it was okay with him to be anything.

    He told me he missed me too much when I was away and that he loved me. And I believe that was true. R would sometimes be on the verge of saying something big and emotional to me, but then obviously change the subject as though he chickened out or had some misguided idea that he was protecting me, or himself.

    ANYWAY, long story short, I ended the summer thing we had when he told me to go be with this other guy that wanted to date me. So I did. I left R and then he barely spoke to me for three months even though it was him that decided that we were better just to stay "buddies" and that sleeping together had to be a huge secret. I would have changed that in a heartbeat and told the whole universe if he had said he wanted it to be serious. I just think he was too scared and pushed me away.

    Now, we've slowly gotten our friendship back. We talk almost every day and have even hung out a couple of times. He knows I'm gay and outwardly seems okay with that, but I don't know if I'm okay with it.

    I seriously think I'm in love with him. I want to kiss him and sleep next to him and be close and talk about everything under the sun with him forever...but the actual act of sex with guys I'm not interested in.
     
  2. MIJ VI

    MIJ VI Guest

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    IMO yes, since love is a state of mind. You are most fortunate to have a friend that dear.

    The one potential peril might be if R harbours a secret physical attraction to you. Perhaps this should be discussed.
     
  3. It's no secret, we've had sex and messed around for months. And I don't think either of us would be okay if we had a relationship with no sex. I don't know if that sounds shallow, but it's true.

    ---------- Post added 29th Jan 2011 at 08:48 PM ----------

    The problem is that I want to keep this friendship because I love him dearly. But is it better to let him go because I can't get what I want from him and he can't from me? Or should I stick around because it's possible to learn to be friends?

    I feel like it is possible for us to be friends, but it's so hard to tell with him because he doesn't tell me everything he's feeling.
     
  4. MIJ VI

    MIJ VI Guest

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    Have you actually discussed it with R while looking into his eyes for any deeper thoughts which may not be expressed in words?

    That he was once on the verge of announcing something and then didn't, followed by putting distance between the two of you by encouraging you to go with someone else for what turned out to only be a while, suggests that he may be conflicted by something which he hasn't told you yet.
     
  5. I can ask, but I usually lose my nerve. I don't know what his exact issue is with not wanting to admit something (idk what) that he's tried to communicate. It could be because he's best friends with my ex and that would be like a betrayal. It could be because he feels like his life is messed up and that he doesn't deserve to be happy until he fixes it. It could be because he thinks I'm not in love with him, which I more than once last year told him that I am. He has serious trust problems stemming from childhood, so that could be it.

    My inclination now is just to try and let it go for his sake and for mine, but it's so hard. I've never felt like this before.
     
  6. MIJ VI

    MIJ VI Guest

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    Please have an eye-to-eye + heart-to-heart long talk with him by opening up to him a little, then he to you etc. Being a str8 guy, you'll have to pry it out of him over the course of a few conversations conducted face-to-face. You'll have to read his face and his eyes constantly while you both talk

    Please try to avoid needlessly dumping your dear friend. In life friends that close are in short supply.

    ---------- Post added 29th Jan 2011 at 10:14 PM ----------

    Please don't lose your nerve in getting him to open up. Your mutual friendship and peace-of-mind are worth cultivating, yes?

    Re his problems: have you suggested that he join EC and perhaps post anonymously?

    Please don't give up on your friendship over something which could likely be resolved.

    Living is largely a process of problem solving... What's that U.S. Marine Corps saying? 'Adapt and overcome'?
     
  7. I'll try. And guess I've decided I won't leave unless he tells me to go. And only if he really means it.

    Maybe I'll never be able to be with him, but I'd rather not be without him.
     
  8. MIJ VI

    MIJ VI Guest

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    Please look him in the eye and tell him what you've said here. :slight_smile:

    If you can gently ease the trust barrier he has placed between you both, then you'll have a chance to help him with his personal problems. If things progress along that track then you can suggest that he joins E.C.
     
  9. Thank you so much.

    Seriously. Now I feel like I can breathe and not panic. Up until I wrote this, I was hemming and hawing and feeling like I was going insane and had to make a decision about what I felt or what to do immediately.

    Now I have a clearer head and some time to think of how to talk to R about all this.
     
  10. MIJ VI

    MIJ VI Guest

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    I hope you and R can work things out so that you both breathe easy and enjoy a rich & life-long friendship characterized by the confidence of knowing and feeling that you're in each others' corner no matter what size of slushies life may douse you with. :slight_smile: