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Mid 30s... so close... my story.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by random3418, Jan 30, 2011.

  1. random3418

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    I'm closer than I've ever been, I want to, but still can't take the plunge. Figured it'd help to write some and hear from others.

    I knew early on I was gay. While the other boys were getting interested in girls, I was interested in them... I didn't really try to fight it. I think I accepted it early on. I've always been comfortable with who I am, and I've never been one to care that much about what people think about me. Weird because I've kept this hidden for so long.

    All throughout middle school and HS, I was of course very sexually frustrated. Never had a good chance to get involved with anyone, and I was too timid anyway. Stared a lot and had a few little crushes, but for the most part, I was a normal kid. Had a few girlfriends, and then at 17 started getting serious with one.

    Before she was my girlfriend, she was probably my best friend. A year or so into the serious relationship, I don't remember why... but I tried to tell her. Wrote her a note that said I was gay... I wish I could remember more about what was in it. Lots of crying, and she wrote me a big long response. I left it in my pocket, my mom washed my jeans, and she found it.

    My parents confronted me and told me it was common, teenagers go through phases, you're probably not, blah blah. I think between the combination of them and things my girlfriend said to me, I got scared and backed down. I knew it wasn't a phase. But I didn't have the courage to tell them the truth. Somewhere mixed in there, I convinced myself I only liked guys physically, but I liked girls romantically. That was how I would get through life, and I could stay safe.

    That girlfriend is now my wife. We were married 10 years ago, and now have 2 little girls. We've had our ups and downs as any couple has... and I tried hard to be a good husband and father while managing my gay side. I made it to 28 before I gave in, because I realized denying myself was screwing me up. Porn took the edge off, but I became increasingly obsessive over the years with my male friends and random guys. I think what did me in was all the catholic priest stuff that hit the news... I realized that could be me in 20 years if I kept denying myself.

    My first hookup was on a business trip to the west coast. He was a nice guy. Closeted himself. I had chatted with a few guys before online, so I already knew a few of the ropes and found a good first guy. We screwed around twice that week. We were both nervous at first both times but loved every second. I did this 3 or 4 more times over the next few years... two asian guys and an older guy in NYC. I was always safe and stayed away from the 'how big is your dick?' types.

    Took a few years off. Didn't want to put her at any more risk than I already had. The obsessing started up again and I decided the best way to manage it would be to find another married guy and have a long term thing. Found just what I was looking for on craigslist. Let's call him N. We were looking for the same thing for the same reasons.

    It was great to have someone to talk and share with. We spent many many nights talking for hours online. The sex started off fairly awkward, neither of us were very experienced, but it was a great release. Months went by and we eventually fell in love. I didn't realize it at the time, but that's what it was. I wanted to be with him all the time and he wanted to be with me all the time. We spent as much time as we could together, meeting for breakfast, going snowboarding, screwing around, just like a normal relationship... I felt 'whole' and totally comfortable with myself for the first time in my life. It was amazing.

    Our relationship got to the point where I knew what the next step had to be. N was not there. I have always been comfortable with myself... him, not so much. Between work, family, and the sudden realization how deep I was with N, I pulled back some. He was a bit on the needy side, and this drove him crazy. I feel terrible for what I did but I don't know that it could have gone any differently. Told him a number of times that maybe he should go find someone else because I didn't have the time for him, but he always insisted he didn't need to do that.

    He withdrew as well and moved on without telling me. I stayed in love with him. We still talked, but he didn't make much time for me anymore. I believed him when he said he was busy... I figured he was just in the same place I was when I was busy. After a number of months, I began to realize he had moved on... confronted him about it a few times, but he kept denying it. Kept saying he wanted to get back to where we were. Finally, in December, he broke my heart.

    I convinced him to tell me the truth. Found out he'd been out looking for someone else for over a year... and that he was involved with another guy. It was the craziest thing I've ever been through. I'm a very logical, rational person, and what happened to me completely took me by surprise. I never knew heartbreak physically feels like your heart is breaking. It took me almost two months to get over him. Meanwhile, I learned more in the past two months about myself emotionally than I have in the past 30 years.

    It's so fucked up that I had to essentially have a long-term affair in order to realize what I've been doing to my wife all these years. We have a good relationship, but it's not whole for her. After the full circle of my relationship with N, I 'get' so many things that I didn't 'get' before. I always told myself I didn't feel as strongly for her as she did for me because I'm just a guy, and on top of that, I'm a logical guy. I just don't get emotional. Turns out I just never had a true relationship... the feelings, good and bad, that I had with my wife were similar, but only 20% what I had for N.

    During my emotional rollercoaster, I realized I cannot put off coming out much longer. Life is too short, and I am being horribly selfish staying in this and denying her a chance at a real relationship, the real kind of relationship I had with N. I do love her, she is my best friend, and I terrified about breaking her heart. I went through over a month of pain and what I had with N was only 2 years or so in the making. I know I need to do it, but every day is different. Some days I'm gung-ho. Other days, I back off.

    I'm a much different person than I was almost 20 years ago when I tried the first time. I'm confident, assertive, and even more comfortable with who I am. Now that I understand what true love is, I cannot in good conscious get involved again while I am married to her. I feel so much guilt for what I have done and I know the best way to handle this is to tell her. Why is it so hard to do what I know must be done?
     
  2. Dare2bProud

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    Hello! Welcome to EC! I just wanted to say that your story brought tears to my eyes, I know what it feels to come out of the closet, not sure if what you felt for another was real or fake and go back to dating girls. I have done this several times. Now I am comfortable, I know I'm gay, I haven't told my family because they are ultra conservative and whenever I begin to drop hints they change the subject. I am happy that you are finally coming to grips with who you are, remember to be who you are. Don't stay with the status quo. I think you and your wife would be much healthier if you told her and you decided what road to take next together!
     
  3. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    Hey from your story, you mentioned about the note that you wrote her telling her you were gay and she replied with a long note. I am curious as to how she replied? Perhaps the key to what she feels lies in that note.

    I personally can't imagine what your life must have been like, you being emotionally isolated from the one you are supposed to love. But you also have responsibilities as you are a father to 2 children.

    I think the best thing to do is to be open to your wife about it, as you had once and got cornered by her and your parents into submission. And then make arrangements with her so that your children will not be neglected.

    Go for it.
     
  4. random3418

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    dare: Thanks for the note. It must have been rough going back and forth like
    that, I am lucky in that I have seen everything fairly clearly, once I was able
    to see it. Good luck with your family -- I haven't even thought that far ahead
    yet. One step at a time.

    zeratul: I wish I could remember what we wrote to each other, but I don't. I
    remember only giving it to her in her bedroom, her reading it while I was
    there watching her, and then lots of crying afterwards. I don't remember
    anything about the response note. I did save many things from high school,
    including many notes... perhaps if I go searching I could find it. I don't
    even remember if my mom gave it back to me, though.

    I've had a good life, no complaints. I wish I would have had a gay
    relationship when I was a teenager so I could know then what I know now, but
    I didn't and I can't change that. Everyone has things they'd go back and
    change, and so I guess in that regard I don't consider myself much different
    than the average person, even though I am not an average person since I'm gay.

    I want to do whatever I can to make this as easy as possible on her, and so I
    agree I need to be open with her. I am certain she will forgive me. There
    will be fighting and tears again and it will be the hardest thing I have ever done
    in my life, but it'll be worth it in the end.

    (P.S. protoss is for wimps)
     
  5. MIJ VI

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    Hi random3418.

    You have a message.
     
  6. Chip

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    Hi,

    First, you're not alone, in the world or here on EC. There are a number of members here who have been heterosexually married (for as much as 30+ years) before coming to the place where they understand and are ready to deal with who they are.

    Second, one of the most valuable insights that heterosexually married gay men (HMGM) can gain is that... they are not alone in responsibility for the marriage. In nearly 100% of these situations, the wife, once she gets over the initial shock, realizes that she knew, or at least had signs and suspicions, that her husband was gay. And in your case, there's no question, since you essentially outed yourself to her... so it's basically a conspiracy of silence of sorts where both of you worked together on something that was convenient for both of you.

    I'm sure your wife will be upset and that will be something that the both of you will have to work through, but I doubt she'll be shocked.

    First step, I recommend getting hold of a copy of "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort. The book is out of print temporarily, but used copies can usually be found through bookfinder.com. It has several chapters on HMGM, the special issues of coming out late in life, dealing with your wife's situation... and it is also probably the best book I've ever read that goes to deep understanding of the issues that gay men face in interpersonal as well as romantic relationships.

    Second, it would be wise to find a therapist, one with a specialty in coming out issues and preferably with experience working with HMGM.

    And third... spend some time reading the stories and posts here. You might message Jim1454, who has been through your particular situation and has helped a number of others here with similar issues. And feel free to message me if you'd like to talk as well.

    You're on the right path and it sounds like you're handling the process sensibly and responsibly, and, really, that's a great place to be. :slight_smile:
     
  7. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    Which is why I am a Zerg player.
     
  8. random3418

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    The 'kerrigan' handle was already taken, eh? :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 31st Jan 2011 at 05:29 AM ----------

    Thanks for the recommendations. The first point is interesting... I'm sorting through it but it still seems I share the brunt of the responsibility since I actively kept it hidden and definitely lied about things in a few instances. I do give myself some slack because of the situation society puts me in but at the same time it's not a free pass either because my choices were my choices.

    I've been reading as much as I can here and on the internet lately. I'll try to find a copy of the book you recommend, that's exactly the kind of resource that I was looking to find, thanks for the suggestion. I was planning on finding someone to talk to in person... this was my first step on that path, I guess, talking openly over the internet.

    I'm doing my best as far as being on the right path. I guess I want to make sure I make this as easy as possible on her, and so I'm taking my time to plan it out and find the best way possible, for instance, telling her today when I get home from work would NOT be the right timing at all. On the other hand, I don't want to get lazy and put it off much longer, so I'm making sure to do things like this (talking actively about it) to keep it at the front of my mind so I stay motivated and continue to become more comfortable with my decision.
     
  9. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! My only additional advice would be to make sure you don't fall into the trap of thinking there's a "perfect time" to tell her. There might be some really bad times, and it's best to avoid those, but a lot of people sit around waiting for "the perfect moment". Which either never arrives, or is only identifiable as such in retrospect. "Oops - should have told her last night. Oh well, I'll wait for another good time..." Don't put this off very long.

    Lex
     
  10. MIJ VI

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    Say random... Do you feel that it might be worth writing a heartfelt letter to your wife as a kind of 'dry run' aimed at ensuring you won't miss any details for when you talk to her face-to-face?
     
  11. random3418

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    What a great idea... I already wrote one actually. While I was going through my emotional turmoil I spent a lot of time writing. I do intend to give it to her. I can usually convey my feelings better in writing than in person.

    My original letter gives her the gist of how I finally came to terms with it, but leaves out the gory details. I also intend to write a second letter that I will give her when she is ready. When I was coming to grips with N's betrayal, I spent a lot of time reading about infidelity and what one needs to do to regain trust. I need to tell her everything so after she realizes I've betrayed her too, we can rebuild our relationship. The only thing I plan to leave out is identities, as it is not my place to out anyone, that is a very personal decision they should make themselves.
     
  12. MIJ VI

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    +1 on coming clean in an effort to re-pour the foundation of trust required to build a home for your entire family.

    --------

    Damn this prevalent 'GOD-HATES-FAGS' sentiment in society and the ongoing grief it causes. :frowning2:

    "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
    - Mahatma Gandhi

    At least now we're fighting.
     
  13. GoinStag

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    Welcome to EC!

    I think you're feeling what I felt when I realized a was into guys, you're just feeling it a lot harder since you had a relationship. You are realizing what you ACTUALLY like.

    All I can say is don't force yourself to come out if you aren't ready. When you ARE in fact ready, it's not gonna be like you aren't nervous at all, so don't wait until you "aren't nervous" about coming out, 'cause I doubt that's gonna happen. Only you can decide when the right time to do it is, my friend.
     
  14. Chip

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    You've hit on another key point above, which is being in integrity with yourself. Telling your wife about your infidelity is going to be dicey, and I think you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that she may not be able to handle both your coming out to her *and* having cheated on her repeatedly, even if they are time-separated (and I'm torn on whether that's a good idea or not.) But being honest is the only way to keep (or rather restore) your own self-integrity, so you have to do it, and take whatever lumps come with it.

    Also, it's worthwhile to know that while your kids should be the highest priority, keeping the household together as it is now is *not* necessarily the highest priority. What you should be thinking about is finding the solution that has the least impact on the kids, and this might mean separating, if being under the same roof means constant discomfort and irritation for your wife. Your kids will not benefit from keeping the home together if they sense you aren't getting along; on the contrary, that will likely imprint unhealthy messages about relationships with partners. So while it might seem counterintuitive, if both of you can keep your focus on the kids, you may ultimately decide that separating sooner rather than later is a healthier solution.

    Another consideration is that staying together for as long as your kids are still at home also delays both of you in building new relationships, and ultimately, her happiness and yours, which are important both to each of you individually and to your kids. Depending on the age of the kids, getting them therapy could help immensely (if you can find the right therapist who will make a real connection with them, which isn't easy.)

    I'm afraid I may be throwing some gasoline on the fire here, but I feel like it's important for you to have thought about some of these issues at least a little so that when you go to discuss them with your wife, she'll see that you're trying to approach this in the most considerate way possible.

    PS: I hear what you said about taking more blame on yourself for lying and so forth but... my response is "bullshit." She totally knew. She chose to take it on when she married you, but she knew, and she likely saw the signs and ignored them. Now... I wouldn't go and tell her that, but I think just having that awareness in the back of your head will help you to stop kicking yourself for this; both of you share responsibility for it, which you each took on when you told her and she still married you, and when the two of you actually married.
     
  15. random3418

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    Thanks. I wish I would have taken these steps when I was young like you -- you're definitely doing the right thing!

    Yeah, I'm sure I'll always be nervous about doing it, I just have myself in a difficult situation so I want to make sure to do the right thing.

    ---------- Post added 1st Feb 2011 at 06:04 PM ----------



    No, you're not "throwing gasoline" on the fire at all. These are the sort of things I want to think through before I say anything... I'm an engineer so I analyze everything to death and this will be no different. And just like you said I want to be as considerate as possible. I'm sure once we get through the initial crap 90% of our conversations will be about the kids.

    I see what you're saying, but still, it doesn't change the fact I betrayed her. I'm not taking it too hard on myself because in a better world I would have been encouraged to discover my true self when I was a teenager and none of this would have ever happened. But I'm glad you made the point about the responsibility, it's been interesting to think about. In the end though, she trusted me and I lied, and that's not something I'm proud of, even if I was cornered into doing it in some respects.
     
    #15 random3418, Feb 1, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2011
  16. Jim1454

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    Hi there, and welcome to EC. I'm glad you stumbled upon this place, just as I did.

    Fortunately for you, you found this place BEFORE you came out to your wife. For me it happened afterwards, but I still found EC an extremely helpful place to help me explore my new world as it unfolded around me.

    I can relate to SOOOO much of your story. Not all of it, as we all take a slightly different path through life.

    I too was married for (almost) 10 years. We also had 2 little girls. I too used porn as an outlet, then chat rooms, and it just kept progressing until I was meeting other men. And I don't think I was as discerning as you were.

    As Chip said - you can search for threads that I started to get a better sense of where I've been and how far I've come. But I do have a couple of suggestions I'll share here.

    Get a therapist. Mine saved my life. Granted, I was pretty messed up with addiction and depression by the time I saw him, but I'd still say VERY important in my getting through that part of my life. My wife saw the same therapist on her own, and then we also would go together at times. It was EXTREMELY helpful in salvaging our relationship. We managed to work through it and remain best friends. I'd certainly wish the same for you.

    Coming out to your wife doesn't necessarily mean you need to come out to anyone else - including your kids. Even if (likely 'when') you need to tell them that Mommy and Daddy are going to live separately, they don't need to know that it's because Daddy is gay. Not right away. My daughters were only 3 and 5 at that time, and we both felt that it was too young for them to understand, and it didn't matter to them anyway. They simply needed to know at the time that we both loved them and that they would continue to be safe.

    Even other adults don't need to know the reasons. I was terrified at first to tell my parents or friends. So when I told my parents we were separating, I told them the reasons were personal and that I didn't want to discuss them. And most people simply left it at that. Others had to be told a second time. It was several months before I told my parents the truth as to why we split. So keep that in mind.

    The good news is, that I've since found the true love that you're referring to. I've been with my boyfriend now for over 3 years, and we're actually planning to get married this summer. And just like he and I were invited to my ex-wife's wedding last summer, she and her new husband will be invited to ours. And my daughters, now 7 and 10, will be flower girls 'again' at one of their parents' weddings!

    I wish you all the best in this journey, and I make myself availble to you for advice and support. I certainly wished I'd had someone else to talk to, so I'm willing to be that person for you.

    Good luck!
     
  17. mnguy

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    I agree with those who said your wife enabled you to get married and have kids with her and probably even the cheating that you did with guys. I suspect she knew something gay was up, but didn't want to admit it so she could stay with you and keep the happy family facade going. Nevertheless, they were your choices and she'll still be hurt when you admit all that, but I doubt it will hurt as much as if she's totally blindsided by it. She's probably somewhat ready for it.

    Keep strong, keep your kids first and foremost, get counciling as needed, and good luck, man.
     
  18. random3418

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    Just an update.

    I told her three weeks ago. We happened to be in PA visiting our families and circumstances ended up that we were in the same bedroom I told her in so many years ago. Crazy.

    We are sorting through everything. She is being very kind to me. She has good days and bad days but other than that our lives are continuing on as normal right now. I'm trying to be as supportive as I can and do the right thing here. There is lots of talking and explaining, and many things are very painful, but we are moving through everything.

    Thanks to everyone for the support and encouragement.