I hate this

I hate being autistic. I hate it more than anything. It's horrible; it fucks up my social skills, I am extremely anxious about every little tiny fucking thing, I have a million bad habits. Nothing good comes out of it.
They say sufferers of asperger's syndrome are supposed to excel in specific areas, obsession leading to skill. But not for me. I have no skills, I don't 'excel' in any areas. But that's the story of my fucking life, isn't it? Always getting the raw end of the deal. The one thing that is even nearly positive about a horrible, life ruining mental condition, and I don't get any of it.
I can't talk to people, I can't connect with people. I have no way to relate to anyone else on this fucking planet.
I have fuck all self esteem, I avoid anything that might bring me joy because I know that it won't, I fuck everything up and ruin life for everyone around me. I can't talk about my problems, let alone seek help for them. All I do is fucking complain about bullshit, whining and bitching about some shit. I should just grow some damn balls and get the fuck over all of my problems. But I can't, because I sit there and think about them. I think, and think, and think. I inflate them in my head, making them into something much bigger than they are, and then I go and bitch about it.
This is exactly what I am doing now. Bitching, whining, moaning about some bullshit no-one carse about. Why should anyone care anyway? It's not like I contribute anything to the world. All I can do is bitch about my non-existant problems. Just sitting here, typing away, filling the screen with crap that nobody cares about.
I don't even know why I do it. Am I that depraved of attention that I invent issues in my head just to get someone to talk to me? But then, when I do talk to someone about my 'problems', I don't take their advice, all I do is go away, and start bitching about it the next day. Just looking for more fucking attention. But when I get attention, out in the 'real world', I hate it. I can't stand it when I get praise for something, or affection. I can't stand any sort of positive acknowledgement.
But I can't stand negative attention either. I hate being yelled at, scorned, whatever. I go looking for attention, but can't handle it when I get it.
What the fuck sort of a fucked up person does that? Sweet jesus, what the hell sort of a person am I? How pathetic must I be to act like this?
It really would be best for everyone if I died, right here right now. But even then, someone gets upset. My family mourns my death, my friends, anyone who carse about me, though I doubt there would be many people at all who gave a shit if I died. So even when I do them a favour by getting out of their way, I am still fucking up, ruining their lives.

I don't even know why I am posting this, I really shouldn't. It's just a waste of mine, and anyone elses time. But I will still click submit, and seek out some fucking attention from a stranger somewhere who I don't even know exists. When I need help, I always turn to some stranger somewhere, I never talk to my family, or my friends, or anyone who knows me. Fuck, how useless am I? I can't help myself, so I just circle around bitching, and bitching and bitching. I'm not even venting here, I am probably legitimately asking for advice or help. But why? Why the fuck am I asking for help when I know I won't take the help? I'll just take any advice, and throw it aside, ignoring everything and wallowing in my own miserable self pity.

Sorry to have subjected you to that. It's all a bunch of crap, so don't bother yourselves. Although if you have read through all of this, then you are probably going to bother yourselves with it. Well don't bother. Any advice, any help I get, I will just throw away. I'll keep ignoring anyone trying to help me with anything, so don't even bother.

---------- Post added 31st Jan 2011 at 06:53 PM ----------

Jesus, why am I even posting this? It's all just bullshit.

---------- Post added 31st Jan 2011 at 07:02 PM ----------

And now, of course, I will go away for a few days and hide, embarassed that I have made such an arse of myself.