Support and Advice Welcome

Hi Boston31.

Why not send him a heartfelt e-mail? I'd expect he'd be glad to hear from you and learn that you want to come out. Being a good friend and having once been in the closet himself, he's likely to be 100% supportive and trustworthy. What's more, he could likely surprise you with his knowledge of who else in your mutual circle of friends and acquaintances is LGBTQ.

Once one comes out to that first person, the next one is a little easier--kind of like pulling that first brick out of the wall of rationalizations mortared together with perhaps somewhat over-imaginative fears that you've constructed over the years.

That wall is getting taller and you're feeling smaller. It's time to reverse the trend.

 

Welcome to EC! Your story sounds a lot like mine. I tired dating women for years with no success. It made me more and more depressed. I felt like I was not able to love anyone. I realized that I am gay and tried to hide it from my friends and family. It got to a point were I felt like I was about to explode. It sounds like you are that point. You found a good place to get advice, feel comfortable about yourself and vent.

Once you feel more comfortable, send an email to your friend. That is what I did. I have a friend from high school that came out in college and is now married to a man (we live in MA). I was at first scared to death to tell him, but is was so caring and accepting. I was able to chat with him for a bit about coming out. It turned out his mom was best friends with my mom. So from him I was able to get incite from him about coming out to my parents. About that time not only from hanging out here I also attended PFLAG meetings. Eventually I came out to my parents and my family. Now I am out to everyone and have the love of my life. So hang out here for a while...We are a friendly bunch.

 

Good morning, there is no reason to be upset about the gender that you fall in love with. In the end, no matter who you have to please in life, you will have the freedom to make your own choices at some age, by then when you are alone, your personal happiness becomes ever more important to your own health and well being. So no matter what situation you are in RIGHT NOW, and no matter who you must keep happy right now, stay true to yourself and have a little optimism that one day you will be free.

That is the hope that anyone can have.

 

Welcome to EC! A few things to add to the choir.

>>>I still wish for a straight life...

The difference between "straight life" and "gay life" isn't anywhere near the huge gap you make it out to be. I'm trying to think of all the ways my life is different from my married brother's.

* I sometimes have to correct people when they think I'm straight.
* I don't want children, but if I did, I'd have to go through adoption proceedings.
* What I do in bed. (I'm guessing here - I don't ask about my brother's sex life.)

...that's pretty much it. The rest of my life involves going to work, chores around the house, hanging out with friends (gay and straight)...you know, the same things straight people do.

>>>I am depressed because I know that I cannot have the same life my parents envisioned for me (wife/kids/picket fence).

Wrong. You CAN have that life. You can work the office job, get in your nice car, drive back to the suburbs to your house with the picket fence, and be greeted by your loving family. The only difference is your wife is gonna have a penis. Big fucking deal.

Your disclosure of your sexuality will possibly not be the huge shock that you think it'll be. Not because I think you "act gay" from this far away, but because it's nearly impossible to hide the most obvious of hints - your disinterest in the opposite sex. But even if it comes as a shock, I'd say the shock is long overdue. You've put your dating/romantic/sex life on hold for the last decade-plus. That's long enough. It's time to come out, start dating, and start living. Perhaps we can help you with that.

Lex

 

Hi and welcome

You have come to a great site here,EC has been my inspiration in my coming out ten years later than you at 41,wasting another decade.

As other posters have said,it is unusual to get a negative reaction and nearly unheard of to be dumped by friends or family.At least when coning out at a more mature age you tend to avoid the its a phase/are you sure comments and your treated like an adult who makes his own decisions in life.By the time you get to 30 without any serious girls on the scene alot of people will have already suspected you could possiby be gay which is good because it doesnt come as a shock,only confirms thier suspicion and nothing changes between you.

Sexual orientation is never a concern to straight guys so they dont spend hours thinking about it like we dnce you bring it up by coming out,they process what you tell them then go back to whatever it is that they spend hours thinking about,sexual orientation folder closed again.

I agree with the advice on therapists etc but i found the best possible therapy for me was just the actual coming out to a few people and getting it off my chest,the longer i waited the more the coming out would be on my mind and eat away at me.Life is so much better when your out and open with family etc that it seems to lift depression away.

Good luck and remember that we will try and help and answer any questions if we can,most of us have been where you are now at some point.

 

Yeah, your sister sounds like a good first person to come out to. It does get a lot easier after the first one.

Lex

 

Sounds like a good plan. My sister was the first person in my family I came out to. Sisters are awesome!

 

I agree with those above that your sister seems like a great first person to tell. Perhaps, since she's a social worker, you could bring it up in that frame-of-reference to make it easier?

Best of luck to you!

 

Unfortunately, I don't have a lot of advice to give you but others here seem to be really great with offering their advice. However, I did still want to reply just to let you know that there are other people in your same situation. I am 30 years old and I can completely relate to a lot of what you said in your post. I have felt and experienced many of the things you discussed. Anyway, when I first posted, it really helped me to know that I wasn't the only one dealing with this at my age, so I hope it helps you a little to know there are others here working through the same issues as you.

 

^Hey Boston- that's great that you reached out to a therapist. From my experience, talking with someone can really help. Over the past two weeks I have come out to four people (3 friends and my therapist) and being able to talk openly about what is on my mind and bothering me is amazing.

^That makes perfect sense, at least I hope so because I feel the exact same way. For me it's my parents and sister that I am worried about letting down. I don't really have any answers, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

 

Chip has given you some great feedback. It does sound like you are starting to get ready to come out. Next time you see your sister and mother you may be ready to come out to them. You will know. You will feel it. If not that's ok. The best piece of advice I got was that coming out is NOT a race. Come out at your own pace no one else's.

As far as feeling dumb for coming out now instead of your 20's don't. There is nothing that you can do to fix it. I came out in my late 30's and I am the happiest I have ever been. I truly feel things happen for the reason.

 

Hello Boston, sorry I'm late to the party!

That's an awesome step buddy, and I don't think it's one you'll regret. I've pretty much come to the idea that every single person on this planet would be better off if they had access to some regular therapy. Just having an unbiased, educated, third party opinion is worth its weight in gold, honestly.

Okay, first, I have to say that I laughed out loud at that last part. But you gotta consider the fact that you probably are really blowing stuff out of proportion. I did the same thing before I came out. I got myself so worked up over coming out that I was crying hysterically and throwing up. There were days beforehand that I just sat at my desk at work sobbing silently to myself over it.

But in the end, after all that drama, it really didn't change my life all that much. Sure, my family flipped out, but you've got to remember that being gay isn't something we hide as well as we like to think we do. Even if we snowball our relatives through their own denial or our friends through their lack of interest into pretending that we're straight, lots of straight people have strong gaydar, and chances are there are several people in your office who already know you're gay, if not most of them. That last comment you made probably sealed the deal on it for a lot of people. :lol:

I relate to you so much right now, I feel I have so many conversations like this these days. And I really wish people would just come out and ask too! If you're interested enough to drop hints, just ask! :lol:

Oh my, you should totally tell this woman. Believe me, telling people is SO much easier when you have an ally. I told my brother first because I knew he would be accepting, and that gave me the courage to tell my parents, and then my boss. It was easier that way because if my parents rejected me, at least I'd still have my brother, and if my boss rejected me, at least I'd still have my family.

Give yourself a safety net, so if one of your tellings goes badly or you're rejected, you won't feel like a total reject, because that can keep you from coming out to anyone else because you'll have the fear of repeating that rejection.

Get yourself an ally, it's the best thing you can do for yourself as a gay person.

Coming from someone who didn't come out until they were twenty-five (and three years out of college) I can say that I completely understand what you're saying. I was so angry with myself when I first came out because I missed so many opportunities in college to enjoy myself, develop longterm relationships, and find solidarity with other people who understood the pain I was going through.

But there's really no use beating yourself up with thoughts like that, because the past is the past and you can't change it. May as well start off your kickass day from Day One, which is always today.

 

>>>I just keep going back and forth in my head about whether it's worth it to come out. I know it is deep down and I almost get comfortable with the idea, but moments later I think about how different my life will be and societal stigmas attached to being gay and I get nervous and sad. I think I blow things way out of proportion in my head. I CAN'T stop thinking about it. I guess this is part of the process, but really from the time I wake up until I go to sleep, coming out is on my mind. It's so much on my mind that I was outside smoking with a co-worker and was telling a story and meant to say "As I was coming out of my office", and instead I said "As I was coming out of the closet", i laughed it off, but it's strange b/c the other gay guy at work has been stopping by my office and chit chatting way more than ever before.

I've oft maintained that coming out is simply something to get to the other side of. The hows and whys and whens and at-what-speeds really don't matter that much.

It's hard to tell how "different" my life is, since I came out just after college, and don't have a great frame of reference. But honestly, the biggest change I've noticed in people in your position is that the weight is gone. There's no more agonizing over who to tell, or when, or how they'll react. There's no more worrying about whether people "suspect" things when you look at a guy, or like that Lady Gaga song, or your laugh goes a bit too high-pitched. You can just be you. And that relief is much of where the term "gay" comes from. Gay DOES mean happy, after all, and perhaps nothing makes us happier than getting to simply be who we are.

>>>I went out to eat with my sister and mother over the weekend and both of them brought up me hanging out with the daughter of one of my mother's neighborhood friends. I didn't say a word and looked the other way, so at least I didn't fake interest, i guess that's a start. My sister laughed it off and said "He's not having any of that". I wish they would just ask me already, b/c if they at least asked me, then to me, it would seem like they're ready to hear the answer.

It's very tempting to wish and hope that other people will take the onus off. That they'll ask us so we can just nod. But it's pretty rare when they do (and it seems we're never ready for it if they DO do it!). Even if they suspect, the general thought is "he'll come out when he's ready". So just letting you know that it probably will come down to you.

>>>I went to dinner with a great friend last night. She's recently married, known her since I was a kid. She asked me if I was dating anyone...i know, perfect opportunity, but I just said no. She brought up one of her friends that was interested in me, and I quickly changed the subject. I feel like she might be a good person to tell as well. We're close, but she's recently married so we don't speak as often, but she has a bunch of gay friends from college and would be totally easy to tell, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't think I'm ready, I need to get more comfortable with the whole idea, since it's only been about a month since I fully admitted the fact that I'm gay to myself.

That's another of my common bits of advice. The most important person to come out to first is yourself. Get used to the idea. Let yourself be gay to yourself for a bit. Look in the mirror and say "I'm gay" until it sounds less like you're admitting to a horrible secret, and more like you're stating a fact (like "I'm six feet tall"). Feel free to look at guys, and think "gay thoughts". Feel free to look at gay porn, and enjoy it. Don't give in to feelings of shame and embarrassment post-orgasm. Sit there (as sticky as you are) and think how damn good that felt. Eventually, you'll feel more secure about the whole thing.

>>>I just feel dumb that I've waited this long to start figuring things out, and wish i could go back and deal with this when I was 20. I knew it, but I surpressed it. I've involved so many other people in my fake existence at this point that I feel like i'm letting them down by being honest, does that even make sense?

In a sense, it does. But at the same time, by not coming out, you're continuing the deception, right? And nearly everybody I've talked to who came out late didn't get people who said they felt lied to or betrayed. It seems most people instinctively know that coming out takes a lot of fortitude and time. About the closest to such a reaction they report is people saying "You should know you can talk to me about anything", which isn't really an indictment ("how dare you keep this from me") so much as a reaffirmation of friendship ("I don't want you to feel you need to keep secrets from me").

Lex

 

>> I don't think I'm ready, I need to get more comfortable with the whole idea, since it's only been about a month since I fully admitted the fact that I'm gay to myself.

It's been a year and a half since i first admitted to someone i knew that i was attracted to women, but i guess i am still figuring things out and still trying to accept myself for who I really am, and not who people want me to be. There is no exact time frame for coming out. For me, it is part what "feels" right and part feeling that it "has" to get done.


>>>I just feel dumb that I've waited this long to start figuring things out, and wish i could go back and deal with this when I was 20. I knew it, but I surpressed it. I've involved so many other people in my fake existence at this point that I feel like i'm letting them down by being honest, does that even make sense?

Please, do NOT beat yourself up just because you feel that you are letting others down, because it is not their life you are living. I feel that most people would prefer the honesty of you telling them that you are gay, rather than continue covering it up. As several people have said, there is no one "magical" time when everyone comes out and how to come out, it is a very induvidual process, but some coming out stories do overlap.

 

Boston31,

I can appreciate how you feel about what your family's reaction might be. My parents seem to be pretty okay with gay people in general, but when it comes to family, I fear that they may feel differently as well. The thing that has helped me (I'm going to come out to my dad tonight!) is to remember that my dad loves me, and wants me to be happy. As Chip said, a lot of homophobes are afraid of the unknown. Your family is really no different in that regard. The only difference (and a good difference, I think) is that your family has grown up with you, watched you become who you are--they know you (at least part of you). So in a sense, you have the opportunity to change their perspective on what it means to be gay. By taking out the unknown, and reminding them that you are the same person you have always been, you just might make your mother more comfortable with her lesbian neighbors, and give her more to talk about with her gay friend (and you might even give you sister the incentive she needs to break up with what sounds like a not so good guy!)

I don't know your mother personally, and I don't know your family, but if your mother loves you, and is okay with having other queer people (friends and neighbors) in her life, than she will most likely come around to the idea of having a gay son (even if her initial reaction isn't great).

Also, I know what it's like to try to live a heterosexual life when it's not really the life for you. I can tell you from recent experience that your first relationship with a partner who you are truly interested in will be amazing! It's like waking up and suddenly knowing the meaning of life. And I think that, even though you have struggled for all of these years, that pain will bring about even greater relief.

Lastly, I have been seeing a therapist for almost 3 years now, and it's a wonderful thing, even if you don't talk about the most difficult issues right away. Just knowing that there's time set aside for you each week will be comforting. Knowing that your sessions are all about YOU, and that you can use them to talk about whatever you want will help you get through each day. I started out seeing my shrink because I was in grad school and had a horrible adviser. It was a year and a half before we talked about anything that seemed serious. But that's the process. You can go at whatever pace is comfortable for you, and share what you are comfortable sharing.

I hope that you can begin to find peace in your life, and realize that it is NEVER wrong to be who you are. Good luck, and keep us posted!