First of all it's been a long time since I have posted anything as mostly Life has been good, but I still have few friends I feel I can discuss any Issues with and go to for advice - (When a say few it should read 0 - Already ready know best friends feeling on my relationship) So I met my BF about 3 months after I came out and we dated and spent 1yr with each other while he was working, me not before I got a job, which meant I had to move away. At this point we were both very happy and his job wasnt great so he gave it up and moved with me - (This is my first time ever living with someone). So my job pays the bills and just about feeds us and he hasnt had any luck/ really tried to get a job in the year we have been together with my job. He wants to work for himself but needs money to do so - but we have none spare so you just gets moody about everything and puts more demands on me. If my job had overtime at this point I would never be home as I would work all hours to earn money to get his business started - but it doesnt. Any way the issues are he keeps telling me I dont support him and always put his ideas down etc etc, where what I feel i am doing is keeping a roof over our heads and juggling debts and his needs.. After 2 years with him I am getting to the stage where I feel he is now just with me as a meal ticket and we are both getting dragged down together - I know I can get myself financially secure again without him and feel it might be time to do a everyman for himself lifeboats moment... I know I have rambled on and dont make much sense but advice please... Ohh Another thing that really worries me is we have never had sex ( we have wanked/ blown each other) but he said early early on in the relationship that he has to really really trust someone to have sex and 2 years on still nothing - Ok we are both more bottoms - but I am versitile. :icon_sad: Ok, I even think I sound like a C#!T, thinking about ending a relationship over money worries (as that is what it sounds like), but I never seem to get any support from him just grief and more demands on our stretched resources or critism of everything I provide...
Money issues are a big reason why couples break up. It can really put a strain on a relationship. You need to sit down with him and talk to him. Tell him that you support him but for him to start his own business he needs start up money which you both don't have right now. As far as sex you need to bring this up with him also. Tell him its been 2 years and this is something you want to do. Listen to him and see what he has to say. Maybe the thought of sex is scarry to him. It may also be that you two are not sexually compatible. Also the stress of no job and the money situation has lowered his sex drive. I hope this helps!
To be honest with you, he sounds like you need to slap him and tell him to get off his ass. If he's not working at all, how can he expect to start a business? Pardon my language, but you should tell him that if he's going to bitch, then he should at least be pulling his weight before he does. The sex thing, what the hell does trust have to do with it? Safe words were invented for a reason, and if he doesn't trust you enough in two years, then that's his problem, not yours. If I were you, I would give him an ultimatum; get a job and be more 'trusting,' or get out of my house.
I’m not an authority on sex advice, so I’ll leave that part to others, but on the money/job front, it really sounds like your boyfriend is acting the way he does because he feels he lacks control of his own life. After a year of trying to get something going and failing, it might be that he’s becoming obsessive about the one thing he feels he can still somewhat control – you. And if you find yourself frustrated, it’s also very tempting to imagine that it isn’t just due to yourself, but that it’s others not being supportive enough, so he might be unconsciously looking for a scapegoat as well. If I remember correctly, he’s also a bit older than you, so he might be further frustrated at not being the independent and in control one. Of course, knowing why he lashes out isn’t making it easier for you, so something has to happen. My suggestion would be to honestly talk about how this makes you feel (as Ed said, above), and maybe try to make him change his approach to finding a job. If you can’t find a job, it always helps to try and cast a wider net. Even a job that’s below your normal competencies and pay grade is preferable to sitting at home being frustrated. Even if it’s cleaning tables in a cafeteria. And saving whatever money it brings in, might give a better shot at starting up a business eventually. Or, alternatively, if there’s really no job available, he might want to look at volunteer work. He’d obviously not be paid a lot (if at all), but doing something might help him at gaining more self-worth, it might make him meet new people (the more contacts you have, the better your odds at being clued into other jobs), and it gives him something else to mull about than angsting about not having enough money. And, finally, if he’s feeling really depressed about it, it might be best to seek some professional help. Being unemployed for long times is a serious risk-factor in getting clinically depressed, which in turn gives problems when looking for a job. Even a single meeting with a professional might help in seeing if there is something he needs help with.
Well 2 years in an relationship and no sex. Thats no good. It is very important to discuss that with him on that. With the money is concerned he cant start an business without money. Well why does not he get an crappy job and at least he earns some income. If he contines with not getting and job and refuses to have sex with you then break up with him.
For him to say you aren't being supportive when you've been paying all expenses for 2+ years is complete BS. It sounds like he wants his particular vision or dream and wants someone else to support him while he (maybe tries) to develop it himself. I think it is time to leave this relationship. Not just because of the money, but because it sounds like he isn't very mature in a lot of ways. If he doesn't "trust" you for sex after 2 years, then he probably never will, which means either there's a deeper psychological issue going on, or he simply isn't that attracted, or something else. It's not going to be easy, but honestly I think you will be doing both of you a favor. He's gotten complacent in letting you support him, and you're being dragged down. So I'd say end it, set a clear and firm deadline (a month is probably more than reasonable) after which he needs to move somewhere else.
If he has a good proper business idea, he can deliver a business plan to a bank and get loans. Just saying...
Cheers for responses... We talked last night as I new we would before I ever posted here.... He suggested yet again that I haven't supported him and haven't encouraged his plans. I explained the fact that I with the best will in the world am unable to fund or put anything towards setting up the business as I have my hands completely full with keeping all the bills paid and food on the table, and a feel that I never get anything but problems and demands pushed my way... We only rent and he wants a larger place so the business he plans wouldnt effect our day to day - yet we can just about manage the place we have... Every time I suggest downsizing so we have more money to help him set up his only come back is if that is the case then I might as well go back to where he came from... - which makes me question all the more how much he loves me as saying he would leave me if we moved to a smaller place so we had more money to support his ideas seems too easy for someone to do if they loved the other... I must admit I already know he isnt "The One" as I wouldnt be having these doubts so easily if he was - but I think deep down I am afriad of being alone and loosing all my friends I made in the last 2 years as they all new my BF first... + I dont think I could ever dump him and make him homeless... I have had thoughts of giving him a choice of sort of getting with the programme and getting a job, otherwise we are over and I will give him enough money to get back to our home town letting him keep the car we got together etc etc... Then it is his choice of what he wants to do... I know I can't do anything like what I just suggested in real life as it would break my heart and I would be a blubbering crying mess before i even started to speak to him... Feeling like I should of stayed the person that was totally devoted to work and had no Life - It was all easier before I let people in...:help:
You must do it. If he threatens to leave because of downsizing apartments TO HELP SUPPORT HIS IDEAS he does not love you. And obviously you do not love him. Nor should you, he does not sound charming or nice. He sounds selfish and only interested in using you for your money. Kick his ass out. And while you may feel guilty for telling him to get out, I guarantee your life will be better as a result. If they were his friends and they know you well, you can justify yourself to them and if they are worth being friends with at all, they will understand you. You cannot change the character of another, and if you try, you will fail. Only that person can change their character, and it doesn't sound like he wants to.
I hate to say it, but it may be time to move on. He sounds very selfish and a bit manipulative. For him to say if he would leave you for downsizing is not right at all. You make the money and he wants to spend it and if you don't agree with you he says you don't support him. You say he is not the one. The fear of being alone is not a reason to stay with him. It sounds like you have an exit strategy in mind by giving him the car etc. That shows how much you of a good person you are. You deserve better.
If you are having doubts, especially with the reasons you've explained...I think it's over. It just sounds like this isn't one that's going to last...good luck with your decisions though.
He is using you. Anyway I hate to say it but you need to drop him. You admited he is not the one. Get him out of the house soon. He would sort him self out but you have done more than enough to support him and he does not appreciate it. Dont be afraid of going alone, and there are much better guys out there that wont use you like that. I know what its like being used by people esp for money and the best way to get out of this is to get those people out of my life. In the long run I was much better with out them.
