I just want to be normal, but I'm at war with the world.

When I came out transgendered, my family pretty much said, "Think however you like, and date women if you want, but any change you make to your body is a mutilation and an affront to God, and we won't stand for it."

Their main issue is with hormone treatment. They think it's sick and unnatural. They think I should just be a lesbian and learn to love my feminine body as a neutral extension of my masculine self, a blank canvas (other than the genitalia). They tell me I don't need to physically represent the male form in every regard to be masculine. They say that all people encompass both aspects, and that wanting to change my body is sexist because women can do everything that men can do.

I'm really torn about transition because of their attitudes towards it, and my own. Presenting as totally male is impossible for me because of my breasts, which I'd really like to have reduced to almost nothing if not entirely removed since they contribute a lot to my gender dysphoria.

But I don't know if full FtM transition - hormones and all - is necessary for me to be happy as a transgendered person. I'm afraid that extreme body modification to make myself more male will only make me unattractive to either sex because I'll be physically stuck "in the middle". Also, I'm worried about being cast out by my family because of it. And I don't have the money to transition. So far I haven't even gotten up the guts to walk into the gender clinic even though I know exactly where it is and even got so far as driving there. But I couldn't make myself walk in.

I hate doctors and therapists with a passion. I don't want to be tested and poked and prodded to find out if I'm intersexed, even if it only confirms a condition that I already feel. I don't want to be anyone's psychiatric guinea pig. I don't want to have to explain that I'm transsexual to everyone new that I meet. I don't want to do the Real Life Experience. I don't want to come out to coworkers or friends - I'm socially phobic enough without being singled out. I don't want to walk down the street and have to worry about being harassed or murdered. I don't want to be a walking punchline.

I just want to be able to be treated like a normal guy. That's it. I'm so angry about being a biological misfile right now it makes me sick. I've never been so furious over something in my life.

At this point, I feel like if someone did harass me, they'd have the fight of their life on their hands. I feel like if someone pushed me the wrong way, I have enough rage built up to put them in the hospital instead of turning the other cheek like I normally would. It's almost like I want someone to pick a fight with me.

I don't like feeling like that. I've never been so out-of-touch with my emotions in my life. I'm usually the most peaceful, laid-back dude I know, and that's my reputation with people. I've never had anger management issues before, and I don't even know how to resolve my feelings because they're not directed at any particular person or thing or institution.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not actively taking these feelings out on anyone, I just feel so consumed with hatred and detachment. It's a creeping, cold resentment, but it's there. I understand it's probably just a part of the "anger" stage of grief, but understanding that doesn't make me feel better about it. :icon_sad:

Thoughts? Advice? I just don't know what to do. I've been avoiding every person I know because I feel like people can read these feelings all over my face even when I try to cover them up.

 

Yeah, it's something I'm definitely concerned about as well (cancer and whatnot from hormone treatments). And the concept of manipulating my body physically like that kind of weirds me out. But I'm doctor-phobic and doctors would be an inherent part of that process.

 

I have a problem confiding in/trusting people, which is why doctors are particularly problematic. I don't even like being asked about general symptoms, much less intimate details about my personal life.

One of my biggest issues with the whole thing is that I feel like sex reassignment surgery has become "trendy" in medical circles, and that society's solution for butch women is to encourage their transition. And having read this from another transman:

^ I like being androgynous/genderqueer as I am right now, and just because there's a disconnect between my feminine body and my masculine mind doesn't mean that I hate my body (except for the tits thing, but even if I was a woman I would be unimpressed with having to carry around the rack I think). Any "mental suffering" I've been dealing with lately hasn't had anything to do with being transgendered, it's been about acceptance, just like any normal 'mo's coming out. As weird as it is, I'm used to being a guy in a girl's body. I get frustrated by it, but what are you gonna do?

I feel like dressing up like one of the guys and acting/speaking like a guy presents me as male to society and alleviates the overwhelming bulk of my dysphoria, but without the considerable disfigurement that breast removal and phalloplasty would entail (the latter of which I'm completely uninterested in). I am just confused because I don't know whether all of these medical treatments and tests would be any more useful in helping me be comfortable in my own skin than just giving myself a little time to accept myself as a "butch" bisexual would. As much as I'd love to wave a magic wand and make myself biologically male, it ain't gonna happen and doctors ain't gonna make it happen, either. I'm coldly realistic about that.

As far as my parents go, I agree with them that sex reassignment surgery is really extreme, but I don't want them to think that I'm backing off of the idea simply because they think I'd make a better lesbian than a transman. I've always been a feminist, so it's weird to think that I don't have the freedom to express whatever degree of masculinity I'd like within the context of a female body. After all, lesbians all over the world do it every day, right?

I just can't stand the idea of being caught in the middle one way or another. As it is, lesbians hit on me now that I have accepted my homosexuality and have relaxed my "cover" long enough to ping on the gaydar of others, and I frankly enjoy the attention from femmes.

But if I transitioned, I don't feel like I would have the equipment to interest men or the physical appearance to interest women anymore. At the same time, androgyny is supposed to be sexually attractive, isn't it?

I don't know what to think about any of it, really. Other than seeking therapy, I haven't the slightest idea what to do. But thanks for the support guys, I appreciate it. It really just helps me to write it all out so I can see what my own thoughts are about it....

 

Thanks, it helps just to see someone else out there who is transgendered but reluctant to transition...I think I could honestly learn to be happy in this body if I can express my gender in other ways, and just be who I really am (rather than pretending to be feminine for the benefit of others).

 

Yeah, I'm having an issue with this. See, I might not like my boobs, but lesbians like boobs, and I have been told I have very good boobs and that the idea of cutting them off is absolutely crazy. And I want girls to like my chest, that's kind of the end goal, so I guess it's okay if they like my chest with boobs on it? But I feel more comfortable binding. It's a conundrum.

It looks completely insane when I write it out actually. :lol:

So...what to do about that? I have no idea.