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Mother was accepting two days ago, now in DENIAL hoping I'll change

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by titaniumCloset, Feb 3, 2011.

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  1. titaniumCloset

    titaniumCloset
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    In my original thread, my mother contacted me in an email and her response was 100% positive and accepting:

    http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42770

    You can read it there.

    However, now let me share with you just two days later how things have changed...

    So...........I think I may have spoken too soon. Now 2 days later, I have received another e-mail from my mother. In summary, she essentially asked me if I had ever even been with a man or a woman before. She then went on to suggest that maybe I just need to try being with a woman and asked if I could "keep an open mind" for the time being. She then also asked if I wanted to talk to a "sexuality therapist", not neccessarily to change but to talk about "options".

    In reply, I told her I was incredibly offended by what she said and upset that she would say that after previously stating how accepting she supposedly was. I told her more in depth how long I've known and how I know. I then expressed how maybe it is HER who needs to do some more learning about the subject matter and I provided her with two links, one to the main support page of PFLAG and one to a part on their website where Parents share their feelings and coming out stories of their sons/daughters. She never replied, however I know she did read it. Maybe tomorrow she will...but anyway, I feel like she wants to accept me like she said earlier, but now that she almost did, is hoping it's a phase, in the DENIAL stage of the acceptance process.

    How can I get my mother/parents out of denial and more back on track to the end-goal of full acceptance. The only thing I can think of is educating them and sharing more about myself with them hoping they will understand. I wish they would go to a PFLAG or similar meeting and talk to others who have gay children but I don't want to pressure it on them. Hence why I showed them the website, and knowing my mother she will thoroughly explore the site to see what it's about and maybe stumble upon a page on the meetings they have. Any other ideas? Help. This week feels like a roller coaster...very very happy on Tuesday and today was the most depressed I've been in months. I got my hopes up and then they were just torn to pieces today.
     
    #1 titaniumCloset, Feb 3, 2011
  2. zeratul

    zeratul Guest

    You have to keep the line of communication open and continue to explain until it is fully accepted. My parents and I have had over 4 long phone calls (As we live thousands of miles apart) before they realized sexual orientation doesn't matter anymore, its happiness that matters.

    Remind them of all the good times that the family has had and how much more fun those times would be if you could happily bring your boyfriend home and have a lovely time. Thats what I did.
     
    #2 zeratul, Feb 3, 2011
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    I think this is less denial and more bargaining (which is the 3rd of the 5 stages of loss; from what you said, she's already been through "anger"). And it's common for parents to experience the stages of loss out of order, and to move back and forth between different stages. Perhaps she spoke to some wingnut who put those ideas in her head for the moment or something; I wouldn't stress about it a whole lot either way.

    So I'd concur with Zeratul. I think you need to gently remind her that this is who you are and isn't going to change, hold your ground, and let her go through her process. She'll come around.
     
    #3 Chip, Feb 3, 2011
  4. titaniumCloset

    titaniumCloset
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    Yes I just held my ground and provided resources to educate. I feel that with time she should come around again. What I think happened is they said they (mother, father & older sister) talked at dinner last night and I bet the topic of "Has even had sex with a man/woman before?" came up and then they got on some rant questioning if I was even gay or something. I'm hoping that their thoughts are a "phase" that will walks it's ass out the door shortly.
     
    #4 titaniumCloset, Feb 3, 2011
  5. Flyers2011

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    I agree, you need to keep the communication going. But this communication needs to be positive or it will never work. It will never get through to them the way you want it to.

    Sending the PFLAG stuff is a good example of positive communication. Maybe when you visit them you could sit them down and have a face-to-face conversation? Or even a long phone call. It's always better to talk about it face-to-face or over the phone after you've come out to them. Maybe once they hear YOU say it they'll realize that it's not going to change.

    Just hang in there and try your best. Denial is always the first stage, they say.
     
    #5 Flyers2011, Feb 5, 2011
  6. Filip

    Filip
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    Well, I can't assume it was the same for you as it was for me, but before I came out to myself, I went through months and months of "yeah, I might be gay" and "no way, I can't be gay, I just need to do X to turn straight".

    So it's not entirely unreasonable that parents go through the same stages themselves. One day you wake up, the sun is shining, and you had a good night's sleep, and your son being gay doesn't seem all that big a deal. The other day, you slept bad, it's raining, your boss is in a foul mood at work, and your son being gay suddenly seems as big a problem as ever.

    The bright side to it is this, however: you know that they're capable of acceptance. For now, that's a new thing, and they only manage to keep in that mode for short bits at a time, but they can do it. And even when they relapse, they're being more reasonable than "get out of my house". So they're on the right track.

    There's no special advice I can give here other than: you're doing great. Remain calm and steadfast, always maintain that you know what you're doing, and that you're willing to talk about it (but not to compromise on actually being gay). With time (and look how far they got over a couple of months), they'll manage to be accepting full-time!
     
    #6 Filip, Feb 5, 2011
  7. Lexington

    Lexington
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    It's also helpful to keep in mind that, for the most part, parents don't hope for straight offspring simply because "how could I show my face at bridge club when I have a child that's gay?" It's because they want the road their children to travel to be as smooth as possible, and they often think that being gay is going to be a huge obstacle to that. So try to keep in mind that your mother probably isn't doing a "I refuse to have a gay son!" routine - she's just trying to be helpful, albeit in a not-very-helpful-at-all way. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #7 Lexington, Feb 5, 2011
  8. titaniumCloset

    titaniumCloset
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    Ever since I replied to their email that I mentioned above, communication has kind of stopped. On Friday she took the day off work (I assume because of stress of the situation) and I didn't hear anything today either. I dunno. I think I kind of put them off with my reply as that question really offended me and now I think they're worried all questions will offend me. However I sent a short email again stating it was okay to continue to ask questions. My Dad called me Friday night but I missed the call and didn't call back...I don't really want to talk to them I guess. I don't communicate on the phone with them as good and as thoughtfully/honestly as I do in e-mail. They know that and kind of agree on the matter. I'm hoping they're just working it out mentally right now and need some time alone.

    I think you're dead on though Lex - they mentioned the straight life being easier and kind of hoping that if it was possible for me to straight, that they'd want me to try that....


    @Filip - Yes that's also true. When I first was coming to accepting myself for being gay I remember one night vividly where I was home alone. Went out to the garage to get a drink or something and I just remember starting to cry out there saying outloud "Why me? Why am I gay?" Like of all people in the world, why can't it just be someone else, what made ME gay. I was hating myself and definitely never thought I'd have the positive outlook on life I have now.
     
    #8 titaniumCloset, Feb 5, 2011
    Last edited: Feb 5, 2011
  9. titaniumCloset

    titaniumCloset
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    Hmm so it looks like my Mom sucks at the internet, lol. She was trying to forward the PFLAG link I sent her to my Dad and accidentally CC'd me on the email. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Well at least they're talking about it and she clearly took an interest in the PFLAG site and is sharing it with my dad. :slight_smile:
     
    #9 titaniumCloset, Feb 6, 2011
  10. maverick

    maverick
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    ^ In this case, I'd just lie back and let them talk it out, it sounds like they're back on the right track to me. :thumbsup: At least they are talking about it and reading about it.

    Where you accidentally CC'ed, or did she want to show you that she IS trying?
     
    #10 maverick, Feb 6, 2011
  11. titaniumCloset

    titaniumCloset
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    It looked accidental to me. In the email she only mentioned my dad and then signed it with her name, not just "Mom" like she would if purposely talking to me.
     
    #11 titaniumCloset, Feb 6, 2011
  12. titaniumCloset

    titaniumCloset
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    FYI - she hasn't said anything negative since then. Whenever she sends me e-mails now it's just like before - about school, life, the weekend, etc. So maybe she's working through it.
     
    #12 titaniumCloset, Feb 12, 2011
  13. Chip

    Chip
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    It definitely sounds like that's the case. Pretty normal to go back and forth for a while, sounds like you're weathering the storm pretty well :slight_smile:
     
    #13 Chip, Feb 12, 2011
  14. malachite

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    If she changed her tune then she never was accepting. She will HAVE to get used to it. This isn't going to go away. Be patient, you've had a while to get used to your sexuality, she has only had a few days.
     
    #14 malachite, Feb 12, 2011
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