Mother wants to "heal" me and other issues

American professional psychiatrists these days do not classify homosexuality as a disorder, and so even if you go to these sessions for your mother, the most the doctor is going to be able to tell her is, "Yup, he's gay. For sure. Not confused." If your mother sent you to a psychologist who is trying to tell you otherwise, refuse to go. You can't be forced to go to a medical quack, and anyone who goes against the American associations of psychology and psychiatry in their practice should not be teaching medicine.

In fact, this is what Freud famously told the mother of a gay son when asked about homosexuality:

^ I'm sorry you're having a difficult time with self acceptance (so am I, to be perfectly honest, so if you ever want someone to vent with, feel free to shoot me a PM) but denying your true sexual nature is not the way to go about it. For one, your future spouse does not deserve to be deceived this way, and you don't deserve having to go through your whole life living a lie. It's 2011, for God's sake.

Two, living a life of pretend will make you miserable and bitter by the time you become an old man. There is no reason to let being gay ruin the rest of your life.

I know that drinking probably helps you deal, and I've gone through this phase too, so I feel you. The only thing about drinking is that it sneaks up on you, and you don't want to add addiction to your life on top of everything else. I suggest that you cut back drinking to the weekends and replace your "relaxation time" during the week with some form of meditation, writing, or art. These activities will also relax you, but they're emotionally cathartic and will allow you to express the feelings you're having about being gay - good and bad - without intoxicating yourself.

I'm in this position as well, so I'm not sure how to advise you here, but know that if you need someone to talk to, there are tons of people here willing to help. We're not trained counsellors, but in most cases, at least a few of us have been there.

Hope things get better for you, and don't give up! *hugs*

 

That wasn't a rant. That was a well written post. And I can relate, and hopefully can offer some advice.

First off - you're gay. Nothing is going to change that, so you and everyone else needs to accept that. Your mother is only hurting herself and hurting you. She's your mom, and obviously someone important in your life, you'll need to distance yourself from her if this is the approach she's going to take. Because it's not a healthy one for you.

Instead, you need your own support network. You MUST take advantage of the counselling services at your school! You are NOT the first student who is going to go in there and tell the counsellor that you're gay. LOTS of students have come before you who have made it to college and been struggling with thier orientation and used the counselling services to help them through it, and you should too. This is not something that should create a real roadblock towards achieving your goals at school. But it will if you don't deal with it.

Find new friends. It's been said here a million times here in EC - that a friend who won't talk to you because you've come out to them wasn't really a friend at all. So find people who you know WILL talk to you even though you're gay. Seek out the LGBT club at your school. Attend their meetings and events.

(I'll just ask though... are you sure your friend isn't perhaps just giving you space? Have you perhaps pulled away from them somehow since coming out? Perhaps they're sensing that something has changed in you, while you're assuming that something has changed in them. You don't really have anything to lose by asking them point blank whether how they feel about you being gay - and point out that you've sensed a difference in them since you came out. You don't need to be confrontational - just honest. See what happens.)

Finally, find support here. Lots of people have been through the same experiences (or similar ones) and will be able to relate.

 

It gets easier after a while, sometimes it just takes time.
It might actually help if you're out to everyone because then people who will be true friends will come out of the woodwork and love you just for who you are, and not for your sexuality. Plus if it's going badly, what do you have to lose?

You don't want to get married to a woman and be unhappy your whole life because then you're just being selfish. The woman you marry has a right to have a husband who actually loves her. And you deserve a partner who actually loves you and who you love. Your mom is going to have to get used to the fact that you're gay eventually. No matter what she does, it won't go away.

I think you'll find that life is a lot easier actually if you're just open and honest about who you are. It might not be easy right away, but like I said, there are people out there who WILL like you for you. Meet other gay people, obviously we're the most accepting of your sexuality.

You'll find that eventually you can be happy this way and you won't need to drink. You should try to stop drinking because it sounds like you're adopting an addiction to it. If you need to drink to be happy, that's not good at all. It's already taking control of your emotions.

 

Thoughts as I have them.

>>>I first came out to a friend who was my best friend for 3 years. When I came out to him, he told me that he accepts me as I am and that we will always be friends. Well, he was lying. He stopped talking to me since then and isolated me from the rest of our common friends. I don’t think he told them that I’m gay, but now they no longer talk to me or hang out. Now, each seldom time I see my “best friend”, he barely speaks to me and each moment is really awkward.

Your best friend isn't a gatekeeper to your other friends. You ARE able to contact them without him. If you feel he's told them all to "back off" from you, you can certainly take matters in your own hands and get your side of the story in. You'll probably have to take control of the situation, though. So long as you treat your sexuality as something to hide, your best friend will be able to hold it over you. If you treat it like it's no big deal - and it isn't - then your other friends are more likely to treat it as such, as well.

It may be that (some of) your friends care more about their views on sexuality than they do about their friendship with you. In which case, it's time to ditch them and find yourself some better friends.

>>>I also came out to my mom. I really needed support and I thought she was going to be my support. Coming out to her was a huge mistake. She is very depressed now and she believes that I’m confused and that it is her duty to find a “cure” for me, that I need to be healed. Three hours after I came out to her, she took me to a psychologist that claimed that I was only confused, that I was straight and that with a few sessions I will become straight again. Luckily, I live by myself in a different country than my mom or psychologist so I escaped from the sessions, but my visa expires on June so I will have to go back home and attend the “healing sessions”. My mom is very excited about these sessions and she can’t wait until I go. I tried to provide her with PFLAG material and other stuff of the same sort, but she believes that the further apart we stay from any gay related stuff, the better. So she won’t read them or pay attention to them. She is treating me as if I was sick, as if I had a disorder.

I don't know exactly where your mother lives, but at age 21, I'm pretty sure you're an adult in most countries. That means you don't have to go see the "healing psychiatrist" that your mother is so adamant you see. It may mean that you have to separate yourself from your mother for a time so you can get your head back into a better spot, but she needs to be aware that your happiness is not contingent on you being straight, and that your happiness is much more important than her desire for a straight son.

>>>I also came out to one of my cousins. She has been my best friend for many years, and I only came out to her because I was a little bit too drunk. I don’t think she remembers what I said, because she was wasted, but she hasn’t spoken to me again ever since. So I guess she doesn’t want to speak to me at all.

Have you tried contacting her directly, and talking about what specifically was said? So long as you keep skirting the issue, you won't know for sure.

>>>All this stuff brings me to a second issue, self-acceptance. I was doing pretty well until I came out. I was getting used to the idea of being gay, I tried to embrace it. But now, I just feel like a weirdo. I’m not sure if I’m normal anymore. My life would be so much easier if I were straight. I pretty much decided to bury my attraction toward men as much as I can, get married, and be unhappy for the rest of my life. I think that will be easier than being gay. Even my own blood thinks I’m sick or have some sort of disorder. They will probably think that the Americans made me gay; after all, those are some of the few homophobic comments they make. I know that being gay is not a big deal, it just means I like other guys. But that simplicity won’t rest in my mind. I don’t know why I make such a great deal about it, and I don’t know what to do to prevent this. It just seems so difficult.

ECers are groaning inwardly, because they know what I'm gonna say here.

Say you're standard height - six feet tall or so. Now say you're living in a house built for really short people - maybe three feet high. So you're walking down the hall bent way over, and banging your head on the door frames, and having major issues trying to use the shower, and having to get into fetal position to get into bed. It's easy to start thinking "If only I weren't so tall, things would be so much better."

The problem isn't that you're too tall.
The problem is that you're in the wrong house.

So long as you're surrounded by people who think you're a weirdo, you're going to have trouble NOT thinking of yourself as a weirdo. You need to find some people who don't think of being gay as any big deal. In America, there's plenty of people like that. Maybe there are fewer in your country, and maybe those that do are simply "the gay people". In which case, you might have to get more involved in the gay community back home. If there IS no gay community back home, you might need to look into trying to permanently move to a country where there is.

>>>And the third issue is drinking. I only find peace when I’m drunk. Drinking is the only thing that helps me relax and forget about everything. Drinking a few beers or taking a few shots is the only thing that helps me get happy. I really don’t know what to do. I know I should stop drinking, but it is so easy and nice to drink and be calm. I don’t think I can quit.

You're gay, and currently in a land where being gay is (comparatively) OK. So why are you busy being miserable on your own? Your school probably has a gay student union - have you looked into that?

>>>Most likely I’m depressed, but I have no clue how to look for a psychologist or help. My university has counseling services and such, but I don’t think I can talk to a stranger about my problems, even more difficult, tell him or her I’m not straight.

Reread your post. You just told a hundred strangers that you weren't straight, and about your problems. Counselors here in America aren't trained to "fix" gay people - for the most part, they work on helping you come to peace with who you are and your place in the world. I'd urge you with all possible urges to go see him. If you have to, print out your first post and hand it to the counselor. It should help a lot.

Lex

 

1) EVERYTHING lex said he hit the nail on the head in a great way
- Definitely see a councilor in the U.S. while your still here
- Definitely try to contact your other friends or go to your best friend and confront him about how your relationship has changed, you have nothing to lose by doing so.
- Try EVERYTHING you can to continue to stay in the U.S. until things get better worked out, try saving up money to take home with you if all else fails.
- Do not let your mom take you to the healing sessions. they could be incredibly damaging to your psychological health and are not medically sound.
- Everywhere in the world has a gay scene and you can probably find it with the internet. I'm not sure what country you would be going back to but if you where up to saying where it is people here might be able to help you find resources in that area.