When I came out to my mother last spring, she was fine with it, but she asked me to let her tell her boyfriend, Mark. (If my mother did not have tax problems, they would be married. They live together.) This was maybe nine or ten months ago. She has not told him. Whenever I visit, he goes on making random homophobic comments, completely oblivious to the fact that they offend me personally. By random, I mean that he will suddenly bring anti-gay comments and jokes into conversations that have nothing to do with gay people or homosexuality. For example, over the holidays we were discussing tribbles, from Star Trek. I was explaining, I forget why, that bringing a single tribble onto a starship can result in being overrun with them, because they apparently reproduce asexually. (Now you know that I am a huge, enormous geek.) He made a comment that this (asexual reproduction) was like gay people. I said, "Um, no, gay people definitely do not reproduce asexually." He said, "Well, they're trying!" (This particular comment seriously damaged my opinion of him; aside from being homophobic and rude, it was also stupid, and made no sense. Asexual reproduction does not involve a partner, or sexual intercourse of any kind. Arguably, the Virgin Mary reproduced asexually, but other than that I haven't heard of any human cases. Or attempts.) :rolle: Mark is not an especially important person in my life. He and my mother have only been together a few years. But he is very important to my mother, and she is happier, and, frankly, saner, than I have seen her in a very long time, maybe ever. He has definitely been a stabilizing influence. Her previous boyfriend was a literal crack-head, who resembled Jaba the Hut, and sounded like he was swallowing all of his words when he talked, and some of them had lodged in his throat. I could go on for pages about that guy, but I'll just say that he was rude, and disgusting, and stole money from her, and had incredibly bad personal hygiene habits, and got her taking hard drugs, and stalked her after they broke up. He got my mom involved in some kind of bisexual swinging, as well, so he presumably wasn't homophobic, but I still prefer Mark. The homophobic comments make me uncomfortable, and I hate not being able to talk openly with my mother about my life, since he is usually there the whole time I visit her. But I recognize that my coming out can affect other people--in this case, it might have a negative impact on my mother's relationship with Mark. Eventually, he'll have to know--if I have a girlfriend, I'm not hiding her from anyone. I would eventually want her to come to family gatherings. How much time and leeway do I need to give my mother, to try to navigate this in the way that she thinks will be the least damaging to her and Mark's relationship? And what do I need to do to be fair to Mark? I can't imagine he's going to feel too good about it, when he realizes that he's been kind of making an ass out of himself, saying offensive things, ignorant of something everyone else in the room knew.
Hmm, I don't know the tone this was delivered in, but I'd consider the following: A lot of homophobic people cover their sexual insecurities by making bad jokes about gay people. It's an offensive coping mechanism. But you have to treat homophobia like you would any other irrational fear - exposure is the best medicine. Or, here's a theory - he could be making jokes because he has a good gaydar and knows that you're gay, but wants you to admit it. I have a coworker like this and the way you described this story reminded me of him. Because he knows that I'm gay but he can't prove it because I'm not out to anyone at the office, he says really homophobic things around me to see if he can get some sort of physical reaction out of me. He just wants me to admit that I'm gay so he doesn't have to be the one to ask. If I come out to him, I'm sure he'll stop, but it pisses me off that he is using provocation to try and out me, so even though I don't care if he knows that I'm gay or not, I'm not gonna tell him. I think you need to talk to your mom about why she hasn't come out for you to her boyfriend like she said she would. Ask her when she plans on doing it, because at some point you'd like to bring a girlfriend to family gatherings and whatnot. Also, tell her how Mark's comments make you feel, and how you think that if you come out to Mark, they'll probably stop once he realizes he's insulting someone at the kitchen table. Is there some way you can interject some humor into the situation?
Welcome to EC! I didn't find that particular comment to be that homophobic, truth told. It sounds like something I've said, although in a different context. When somebody says something along the lines of gays not being able to breed, I say "Yeah, but it doesn't stop us from going to bed every night and trying our damnedest." The joke being that all the sex that gay people have is unsuccessful clinical trials at breeding. No, not that funny, especially when you have to explain it, but I don't consider it homophobic. Have you talked to your mother since she said "Let me tell him"? Have you pointed out things he's said, and how they make you feel uncomfortable? If she sticks by the "you can't tell him" credo, you have every right to say you don't want to visit if he's going to be around. Lex
