so. I'm looking for some help i guess. I live under a roof with two highly republican passive aggressive homophobes for parents. I say passive aggressive in that they make a lot of inappropriate gay jokes although they don't realize how offended i get by their humor and how could they. This is where my troubles begin. I've been keeping my attraction to men hidden from them and everyone else I know aside from my best friend. I'm kinda scared about coming out to them because my father will quite literally put me in the hospital and my mother I don't even know how she'd react but I know that it won't be good. How did you all get the courage to finally tell your family and how did you go about doing it.
http://www.emptyclosets.com/forum/showthread.php?t=41003 ^ Here's my coming-out story, and my parents are similar to yours (passive-aggressive Republicans who made a lot of homophobic remarks while I was growing up). I have a theory that parents who do this sense that their children are gay, and in response to that try and impress on their children that homosexuality is wrong, thinking that maybe they can help you to "choose" not to be gay by encouraging you to be "normal". I came out in a letter to my folks. It did not go well, to put it mildly. Things are fine now, but I feel lucky to have had a place of my own at that point, so I could largely be separated from my parents' bad reaction. If I had lived with them at that point, it would have been a miserable time for all of us. We needed the physical distance, and my parents needed the realization that I was making a dignified stand, and that I was an adult and could live without them if they chose to reject me. If your parents are seriously homophobic to the point that you're worried your father actually will hurt you (and you're not just being hyperbolic) then do not come out to them. Many gay youth who come out before they're financially independent to homophobic parents get kicked out and end up homeless. Or end up psychologically scarred by reparative therapy. Not most gay youth get this kind of treatment these days because the public is becoming better educated, but not an insignificant number of them do act this way. You do not want to get disowned. I know this from personal experience. It is not fun, but at least when it happened to me I was in my own house and paying my own bills. You do not have the luxury of coming back at your parents with a "Fine, reject me if you want, but I don't need you" response. You do need your parents at this point. So lay low and bide your time.
I don't want to instantly say "oh, they'll be fine with it". But the fact is - a lot of people find it easy to be homophobic, mainly because they don't realize there's a gay person in their midst. And quite often, finding out that somebody they know (and love) forces them to reassess their position. "Wait - I've always said that gays aren't any good, but Fred is gay, and I've always thought he was OK..." Have you ever seen your father literally get angry and/or belligerent at a gay person? Not on TV, but while passing one on the street or something? If so, then yes - your best bet is to lay very low, and find your support elsewhere for the time being. But if the only homophobia they've displayed is more of the ignorant "dumb fags, haw haw" variety, don't feel that you're destined to be torn from them. You might yet find a way to bring them over to your side. Lex
^ Definitely have to second this, I came from a household where gays were fair game in the "Haha, silly faggot, dicks are for chicks!" vein of humor, but as soon as I came out, all homophobic remarks stopped instantly. My family was very chagrined by the whole experience, especially when I admitted that at several times during my adolescence I had very seriously considered killing myself because I felt like a worthless human being and was constantly surrounded by homophobia that reinforced that idea - in school, in church, and at home. There is a big difference between a father that says, "Ew, gays are disgusting," without knowing anything at all about gay people, and one who would refuse to shake hands with a homosexual, or seek one out for the sole purpose of harming them.
Hi,i have to agree with Lex here.I personally listened to all the homophobic comments from my dad until i came out to him a couple years ago,when he told me that it was my choice to make i just simply pointed out that i never had a choice and he seemed to think about it for a few seconds,then realized and accepted it. It is so easy for homophobes to see a gay person on tv etc and the only characteristics they know about that person is that they are gay so the comments start.Most of these type of people dont actualy interact with or even know any gay people.When your family find out you are gay, they already know you as you so the gay part becomes only a small part of you.This also is a shock because they suddenly realize that someone who(you) they thought were "normal" is gay,so then gay and normal everyday people cant be that much differant. Obviously a small minority of parents cant seem to accept a gay child but that minority is becoming so small that unless you have reason to believe your parents to be that bad i would not let this worry stop you from coming out to a few more friends etc.Coming out to a few more people can help to get a bit of a support network if things ever did go wrong at home,plus after talking openly with others you will gain alot of confidence and strength which will help alot when you eventualy come out at home.
